...to not want to give my sister any of my DS's baby stuff?

[Mamatastic]

Hi, my sister is currently PG (due sometime in October, she doesn't even know her due date so that's how important this baby is) and I have a DS currently 8months old, so they will pretty much be a year apart when her LO comes.

I really do not like my sister, we have never got on although she has always looked up to me (even though I am 3 years younger) and has tried to copy me throughout my life. She used to constantly steal from me and break the things I liked when we were kids, she has spread awful lies about our family to get attention etc. I must admit she has settled down a bit now (she is 35) but still does my head in if I have to talk to her for more than a minute. My dad even joked that she copied me in getting PG!

She called me up the other day and casually asked if she could borrow my wedding dress for her wedding next year (WTF!!!) and said she could just adjust the bottom as she is 5ft and I am 5ft 4. I was on my way out the door so just said 'um maybe' as it's from Monsoon so not that pricey but then I thought imagine asking such a thing! It's MY wedding dress! Plus she is about a size 14 and my dress is a size 8, another example of her copying me grrrrr.

Anyway I am totally off the reason for posting now. Basically she seems to just expect to be given handouts (my dad still give her £20 here and there as she never seems to work) I just KNOW she is going to expect me to give her all DS's baby stuff- clothes, toys, play gyms, equipment etc, and I KNOW I'll get hassle from my parents if I don't give her some things. But she is still feckin smoking (yes while she is PG) and her DP smokes too so despite me warning her about cot death and smoking etc, I know they prob won't give up so all my DS stuff will end up honking and totally ruined.

It took us 5 years and IVF to have DS so all of his things are ultra special to me, plus ideally we will have another one one day so I want to keep his things for a possible #2. If she gets her hands on any stuff though it will slowly rot through fag ash or get ruined, just like she has always ruined my things. What do you think I should do? She's not asked for anything yet but I know she will at some point.

I wouldn't lend her anything that you actually want back. If there are a few bits that you are ok letting go off then give her these but if you want it back then dont lend it because of the smoke issue.

Flame away yourself, Expat! How funny you are...

My point is that yes you can say if you think someone's BU on an AIBU thread... but no you can't claim to know more about her family dynamics than she does!

I think you should pick a few things as starter items for her and then keep the others. For example keep things that you will use in every season. If you're next baby is born in April surely he/she will have outgrown any winter clothes your ds has used. Give some items to her saying that if you have another baby you would like them back.

Well, I never did say I knew the OP intimately, 'AngelDoll' .

You're very funny as well, in a netmums, hun sort of way

Salient point, Fio. I was actually just thinking of Xenia and who her dad recently passed away and how she brought up that now the siblings had no parents, only one another.

There you go again, 'Expat' - telling people all about themselves!

What's netmums then? Something you know ALL about, obviously!!

'There you go again, 'Expat' - telling people all about themselves!

What's netmums then? Something you know ALL about, obviously!!'

It's my fav thing to do, hunny doll! People are sooo interesting and quite humourous - far more entertaining than hamsters.

Oh, yes, I do know all about netmums. It's a very supportive place.

You'd never find any unreasonable people there.

I would never "lend" any baby stuff that I wanted to see or use again

On reflection, no YANBU.

I would buy your sister an appropriate baby gift but not give her your ds' things as you plan to use them in the future - and there's no point lending them out if they come back in a poor state, as previously has happened with things you've lent her.

And I don't see the point of her asking for your wedding dress since it's a size 8 & she's a 14 & surely she'd want to wear something that the same guests hadn't already seen you in? Offer to go wedding dress shopping with her instead.

Yawn....

I don't think you should lie about having given the stuff away etc. Can't see the point and you are bound to come acropper.

Just explain it - short and sweet like you did in the post. That the things are really special and you don't want to part with them. Give her a line like 'as my sister I am sure you understand', which may take the wind out of her sails (sales?). You could say the same a bout your wedding dress. ' I am so looking forward to your wedding, and am happy to help you choose the dress (maybe that is too much), but I think it would be a mistake for you to wear mine as it needs to be individual for you. And mine is mine. I think it is important that you keep gently emphasise Your needs in all of it.

Oh, how easy it is to advise when it is it not MY sister probs I am solving, and after two large glasses of Rose!

As I said earlier, I think the OP is more jealous of her sister than she realises.

And ROFL at the sweeping statement that baby clothes cost 'peanuts' and of course you'd want new ones for a second child so why keep them!

Same as other posters - tell her your saving them for baby no 2. They are your elongings and no one has the right to them or to make you feel guilty for keeping them. I still have my ds baby clothes and he is 8!

She shouldn't expect any of your baby things, especially if you're not done having babies yet. She's being weird. Your dad is aiding and abetting because he thinks she needs protecting (hence the 20 quid here and there). That's his problem not yours. Do not give her your precious baby things. If you want to keep family peace, give her the things you don't care much about.

I had lots of baby things from my big sister (her children are five years or so older), added to them when I had ds, gave them to my next sister when she had her dd, got them back (with additions) for my dd, and then gave them back again for her dd2. So I'm all for sharing - after all babies grow so fast they barely wear their clothes out. I don't have a particularly good relationship with my sister, and wasn't very happy when she got pregnant three months after I did, but actually it has brought us closer together. BUT I would be very hesitant with the smoking thing, because I hate hate hate the smell of smoke. So I wouldn't lend on that basis. I'd do the cowardly thing and say I'd lent them to someone else (actually I probably would lend them to someone else, I love seeing my children's clothes on other kids, brings back lots of happy memories).

Thanks for all your responses, I didn't think it would cause such heat however! I know of course that posting on this thread invites everyones own viewpoints but I think some people could work on the way they respond, even if they disagree. My sister and I have a 32 year relationship and there have been far, far more downs than ups, of which I do not want to necessarily get into here.

If you as a reader have a good relationship with your sister then I think that's great but that may well cloud your judgement on how other sibling relationships should be. Yes she may be my sister but that doesn't mean we have to get on does it? And some family dynamics cannot just suddenly change overnight when a baby arrives. Perhaps the contrast of us TTC for 5 years and having to have IVF makes me more sensitive too about my DS's stuff, and yes I do admit I am probably miffed that she got PG so easily, this may also sound unreasonable but if you have had fertility problems you may just start to understand how hard it can feel.

Yes I know the clothes etc are just 'stuff' but it is precious to me and given my sister is still smoking when PG, doesn't even know how many weeks PG she is (despite having scans), couldn't be bothered taking folic acid etc, well.... sorry if that gets my goat.

I am aware too that I don't want our realtionship to continue to be difficult now that we have kids but it is just hard to change overnight. When numerous memories from the past stick in your mind it's hard to just suddenly forget. From considering your posts though I think I will give her a few things but explain that we are hoping for number 2 in the future too. And yes, it's def no re the wedding dress.

well said mamatastic

I have come back to apologise for being so blunt. I am rarely tactful on any AIBU threads as, by their very nature, they lend themselves to straight talking.

But, of course, any sibling relationship is complex and only you know the true situation. Good luck TTC no2

If I've read the OP correctly, she hasn't even asked for any baby things yet. How will you change the relationship if you are judging her before she even does anything?

Mamatastic...Your feeling guilty about not giving her things? Because you going against an expectation that has been there since childhood that you will give in to her and what she wants cause otherwise your parents will back her up so she then gets what she wants.

Well your an adult now. Don't give her anythign, and CHOOSE not to feel guilty about it. Your parents cannot tell you what to do now...or make you...they can make dire threats and get emotional about it...but YOU control who comes in your house/has your ds's clothes...and I think you are right not to lend things to someone who does not take care of things...I know I don't which is why I don't ask for anything from anyone!!

Go on...stick up for yourself!

I dont thin I would lend her stuff either given how she doesn't take care of things. I mean with her own things that is fair enough, but when someone lends you something, the least you can do is look after it and try to return it in as near the condition it came in as you can. I have lent stuff before and been mightily pissed off when it came back needing a good clean, or worse, damaged!!
I can totally understand why you feel that way about your ds's things, esp if you want another. I have several, ok, many things from my dd's that I kept, mostly the teeny baby things, little favourite babygro's and cardies that look like doll's clothes, and tho I lent them to my sister, they came back at my request. I would not have lent them if I had known they would be ruined, they are precious to me (in an un-Gollum like way) and I didn't have trouble conceiving the way you did.

Mamatastic, I think the folic acid/due date stuff may be winding you up because you had to struggle to have your ds. (She must have a due date, maybe she just doesn't want to tell everyone? Odd but hey, there's no law that says you have to.) But your difficulties in conceiving are not your sister's fault. So it's unreasonable to criticise her - this is your issue. And clearly smoking is Not A Good Thing but again, her life, her choice.

She hasn't even actually asked for the baby things yet, so try not to get too irate about something that hasn't even happened. However, the clothes are your possessions and it is entirely up to you what you do with them. Don't pass them on if you don't want to. If she's so many dress sizes different she doesn't have any chance of altering the wedding dress to fit anyway.

I have given away tons of stuff to my sister and SIL - all of DS's clothes, highchair, booster chair, car seats, fire guard, some toys/books, maternity clothes etc. And I find it really sweet when I see one of my nephews in one of DS's old outfits.

oh no. This story made me so sad.

When I was expecting our first my sister was searching high and low for her baby stuff for me. She was so eager and happy for me.

My sister and I had not got on, and it is a very long story and I wont bore anyone here. But our relationship seems to have been at least as troublesome as yours. But with a new baby in the family? Bygones and all that. It sort of helped mend the rift.

Can you not try and be a little forthcoming to your sister? Sure, you dislike her, but there is a new baby born to the family soon, isnt it worth trying to accept her the way she is and stop being so irritated with her choices? I have learnt to listen to my sister and observe her behaviour, which sometimes is a little unusual, but to be there for her with love and support, and never take it personal, as I have learnt to accept her for what she is. (I sometimes come here to rant though. )

If there is one thing I have learnt in the last five years, and believe me I have been to hell and back with my own sister, with nearly getting the ss involved in her parenting, it is that a little love and understanding and support goes a long way. Her dd and my sons are now the best of friends, really close, and a joy to watch them together.

You can use this time to take the higher ground, and try rebuild your family relationship, or you can be petty about a few items of baby clothing. With a new baby, she is bound to have quite a few surprises and changes in her life.