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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...to not want to give my sister any of my DS's baby stuff?

74 replies

Mamatastic · 01/07/2008 20:32

Hi, my sister is currently PG (due sometime in October, she doesn't even know her due date so that's how important this baby is) and I have a DS currently 8months old, so they will pretty much be a year apart when her LO comes.

I really do not like my sister, we have never got on although she has always looked up to me (even though I am 3 years younger) and has tried to copy me throughout my life. She used to constantly steal from me and break the things I liked when we were kids, she has spread awful lies about our family to get attention etc. I must admit she has settled down a bit now (she is 35) but still does my head in if I have to talk to her for more than a minute. My dad even joked that she copied me in getting PG!

She called me up the other day and casually asked if she could borrow my wedding dress for her wedding next year (WTF!!!) and said she could just adjust the bottom as she is 5ft and I am 5ft 4. I was on my way out the door so just said 'um maybe' as it's from Monsoon so not that pricey but then I thought imagine asking such a thing! It's MY wedding dress! Plus she is about a size 14 and my dress is a size 8, another example of her copying me grrrrr.

Anyway I am totally off the reason for posting now. Basically she seems to just expect to be given handouts (my dad still give her £20 here and there as she never seems to work) I just KNOW she is going to expect me to give her all DS's baby stuff- clothes, toys, play gyms, equipment etc, and I KNOW I'll get hassle from my parents if I don't give her some things. But she is still feckin smoking (yes while she is PG) and her DP smokes too so despite me warning her about cot death and smoking etc, I know they prob won't give up so all my DS stuff will end up honking and totally ruined.

It took us 5 years and IVF to have DS so all of his things are ultra special to me, plus ideally we will have another one one day so I want to keep his things for a possible #2. If she gets her hands on any stuff though it will slowly rot through fag ash or get ruined, just like she has always ruined my things. What do you think I should do? She's not asked for anything yet but I know she will at some point.

OP posts:

lulu25 · 01/07/2008 20:33

find a nice friend to give it all to, quickly

RubyRioja · 01/07/2008 20:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RubySlippers · 01/07/2008 20:34

give her a few things that you aren't too attached to and problem solved

PussinJimmyChoos · 01/07/2008 20:35

I wouldn't. I would explain that you are saving it for no 2. You shouldn't have to justify yourself any further than that and be firm.

Am that she is smoking...appalling!

Hecate · 01/07/2008 20:36

I agree. Pack it, put it in the loft and when she asks, say "Oh, I'm sorry, I've already given it all away / sold it"

LynetteScavo · 01/07/2008 20:36

Be strong and just say no, sorry, you want to keep every thing.

whippet · 01/07/2008 20:36

Go to a charity shop and buy some really tatty bits to give to her. Say you've lent the rest to another friend.

solo · 01/07/2008 20:37

Say it's all gone and put it away for your next baby.

differentID · 01/07/2008 20:37

TBH, if things are that bad between you, I think you need to sit down with your parents and explain the reasons why you don't want to let her use the stuff. Do you sometimes feel that she's always been the favourite and could get away with stuff you never could? Just remember, these are your possessions and you can do whatever you want with them, even if that's nothing at all.

WallOfSilence · 01/07/2008 20:37

No, don't give her anything!

Let her buy them the same way you had to.

I hate people who don't take care of others' stuff!!!!!!!!

mrsgboring · 01/07/2008 20:38

Be vague about what you've got. It's in storage.... Just sound scatty and don't commit to anything. She won't chase it up hard enough and your parents will get fed up eventually and just buy her some stuff.

And I totally understand your desire not to lend this stuff. Some things I will lend from my DS but most things not as they are ultra special.

Alternatively, for a quiet life, you could go to NCT nearly new sale, buy a pile of cheap baby stuff and give her that. (Would anyone notice that it wasn't your stuff)

Lowfat · 01/07/2008 20:40

Agree witht he previous posters, find a friend (or pretend to find a friend) to give the stuff to, who will return it in good condition after it is no use to her.

If your dad is happy to bung her the odd £20 then let him help her find the stuff she needs. If she happy to have your hand-me-downs then she should be equally happy to have other second hand stuff from e-bay etc.

And although off point, please dont let her have your wedding dress. Regardless of whether it cost a lot or not, it's yours and should you have a DD one day you may like to pass it down to her.

It's your life and your stuff do what you want. Sorry fit hat sounds awful but it doesnt sound like she has ever looked after stuff and that annoys me.

beaniesteve · 01/07/2008 20:40

no to the wedding dress but I think you should offer her the clothes. Maybe this will bring you closer together. It seems a bit childish to still be worrying about her copying you.

beaniesteve · 01/07/2008 20:42

Give her the clothes on the understanding that they will be returned if you have another baby.

fymandbean · 01/07/2008 20:45

say you're saving it for a #2
think of a good excuse not to lend her anything - e.g. cots and moses baskets are out 'because of the mattress issue', pram and all toy's still needed by Dc and clothes only have one more lot of use in them and that's for DC2?? - how's that for excuses or am I too practised

IPityTheFool · 01/07/2008 20:46

Tell her some of the clothes were leant to you.
Give her the stuff you're not so bothered about, and accept you won't get it back. Buy her a bunch of things from Primark.

Do not give her your wedding dress - tell her you've had it altered to a cocktail dress and dyed black.

Kimi · 01/07/2008 20:48

I understand where you are coming from,it is your stuff and up to you

Twelvelegs · 01/07/2008 20:50

Find a large suitcase and put it at the back of the attic and tell her you h=gave it to a friend of dh.
I agree about other goods too, let her get her own.

DontlookatmeImshy · 01/07/2008 20:56

Just tell her you are keeping then for future child. I wouldn't lend clothes to a smoker even if they were to be returned.
Same with wedding dress, if you don't want to lend it then don't, it's your dress, you don't have to give a reason, but if she keeps going on about it just repeat "Sorry but no, it's special to me" ad infinitum until she gets the message.

GirlySquare · 01/07/2008 21:00

I agree definitely get a suitcase and put it in the loft, maybe try being vague to start with then 'remember' you lent it all to a friend (or an imaginary friend).

Jux · 01/07/2008 21:15

Do not give her anything you don't want to give her. By the time her lo is born you will have passed all the nice stuff on to friends who have babies (those ones hiding in the attic!). The wedding dress is a complete no-no, it is of great sentimental value to you and dh and you could not bear for it to be worn by anyone else (let alone altered). Your gd when you have one may want it!

Wedding dresses get passed down, not across.

bekkaboo · 01/07/2008 21:20

dont lend them to her but bit unfair to say the baby not that important to her, tell her your keeping for future baby.

ilovemydog · 01/07/2008 21:22

Tell her that you have joined a baby swap cooperative where you donate things. Based on need, age of child etc.

Then when you have old stuff for baby number 2 suddenly reappear, explain that the coop provided!

expatinscotland · 01/07/2008 21:24

She hasn't even asked you for it yet and you're stressing about it already?

MummytoWillow · 01/07/2008 21:31

I'm in the same situation as you Mama, my SIL has a daughter who ia4 months younger than my DD, when she was born they expected us to give all her clothes, toys, mats etc to them! This is from the couple who have more money than us, but refused to buy anything apart from a few vests and sleepsuits before the baby was born as she expected our stuff and also thought she would be able to go shopping the day after her baby was born!!

My FIL even had the nerve to ask if we were going to give stuff to them, my reply 'I'm selling it on ebay to buy more later on'!! We struggled for four years to get our daughter with 3 expensive IVF cycles, so if its all the same to them, I'll give my stuff to someone I think deserves it, not them tights old sods!!

By the way, huge congratulations on your DS, IVF is such a struggle so I'm pleased it worked for you!

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