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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to not want to give my sister any of my DS's baby stuff?

74 replies

Mamatastic · 01/07/2008 20:32

Hi, my sister is currently PG (due sometime in October, she doesn't even know her due date so that's how important this baby is) and I have a DS currently 8months old, so they will pretty much be a year apart when her LO comes.

I really do not like my sister, we have never got on although she has always looked up to me (even though I am 3 years younger) and has tried to copy me throughout my life. She used to constantly steal from me and break the things I liked when we were kids, she has spread awful lies about our family to get attention etc. I must admit she has settled down a bit now (she is 35) but still does my head in if I have to talk to her for more than a minute. My dad even joked that she copied me in getting PG!

She called me up the other day and casually asked if she could borrow my wedding dress for her wedding next year (WTF!!!) and said she could just adjust the bottom as she is 5ft and I am 5ft 4. I was on my way out the door so just said 'um maybe' as it's from Monsoon so not that pricey but then I thought imagine asking such a thing! It's MY wedding dress! Plus she is about a size 14 and my dress is a size 8, another example of her copying me grrrrr.

Anyway I am totally off the reason for posting now. Basically she seems to just expect to be given handouts (my dad still give her £20 here and there as she never seems to work) I just KNOW she is going to expect me to give her all DS's baby stuff- clothes, toys, play gyms, equipment etc, and I KNOW I'll get hassle from my parents if I don't give her some things. But she is still feckin smoking (yes while she is PG) and her DP smokes too so despite me warning her about cot death and smoking etc, I know they prob won't give up so all my DS stuff will end up honking and totally ruined.

It took us 5 years and IVF to have DS so all of his things are ultra special to me, plus ideally we will have another one one day so I want to keep his things for a possible #2. If she gets her hands on any stuff though it will slowly rot through fag ash or get ruined, just like she has always ruined my things. What do you think I should do? She's not asked for anything yet but I know she will at some point.

OP posts:
OurHamsterisevil · 01/07/2008 21:46

Def pack it away and say you are keeping it for future use.

I would happily give my stuff to DB to use for his kids, as I know I would get it back looked after. It's different for you knowing it won't be looked after.
Smoking while pg

ChukkyPig · 01/07/2008 21:55

Saying you are keeping it for any more DC cannot be argued with.

Are there any items you hate? Gifts maybe? From her? Hand those over but no more.

SexyMilf · 01/07/2008 21:57

congrats on IVF, I don't think you are unreasonable at all, but I do think your sister is... keep all your baby things, as everyone suggests pack them away in the loft and save them for number 2

Also I agree don't give her your wedding dress - it's special to you and not for her to change the length, alter size etc but for you to keep

myredcardigan · 01/07/2008 22:05

Your post actually comes across as a bit strange, as if you're jealous of her.

It's as if you're annoyed that she gets hand-outs from your parents and got pregnant easily.

You don't need to give her the dress or the clothes if you don't want to. And of course she shouldn't be smoking but there does seem to be something of an undecurrent here.

nametaken · 01/07/2008 22:30

OMG mamatastic - I could have written the exact same post as you word for word.

My ungrateful sister had hundreds of pounds worth of furniture and household items from me over the course of 10 years and when I once asked her if I could borrow an old novel she'd finished with she said "no, I'll never see it again".

Cue a few years on and i've had twins and she has her (same sex) baby 20 months later and I can so tell that she is expecting me to give her absolutely everything!!!! Why do they just asume that? If they could only see how arrogant that is!

In fact, she was so sure I'd give her all my baby stuff she too went into hospital with just a couple of babygros and baby vests. She never said a word to me when I didn't give her the stuff. I think she was absolutely stunned that I didn't offer.

I took them to the charity shop. I still don't give her my cast offs. I'd rather donate them to Oxfam.

Strangly, our relationship improved after this. It was like she realised just how much taking she was doing and how much giving I was doing and how one-sided things were.

Flashman · 01/07/2008 22:33

Boy you sound lovely!! Nothing like a new child to bring a family together!!!

VeniVidiVickiQV · 01/07/2008 22:35

my thoughts exactly expat.

you seem as bad as each other in some respects.

I think yabu, but, you are entitled to keep all your baby stuff if you want to. I'd not want to give much of mine away but not for any other reason than sentiment.

ravenAK · 01/07/2008 22:39

Shove it all in the loft if it bothers you.

But actually, I'd give her anything I didn't feel sentimental about. If it comes back a bit faggy, it'll wash.

I have a dear friend who passes on hand me downs - lovely stuff, but her flat is damp, she has relatives who smoke & she uses a washing powder that makes me feel a bit queasy - it all goes straight in the wash, it comes out fine.

I'm a big fan of 'what goes around comes around'...she might buy lots of nice things too, & pass them on to you for dc2...

olyoly · 02/07/2008 00:20

Don't give her anything that is special to you. That includes your wedding dress, if you don't want it altered. But maybe try to approach this with an open mind as you will now have a new little nephew/niece to love. And why is it so awful that she wants to be like you? Bothersome at times, perhaps, but flattering.

nappyaddict · 02/07/2008 00:52

give her stuff that isn't sentimental on the basis that you are only lending it to her cos you will want it back for dc2. the smell of smoke will wash out.

KnickersOnMaHead · 02/07/2008 09:55

Message withdrawn

lucyellensmum · 02/07/2008 10:59

Jsut give it too her. I totally agree with you re the smoking but that is a seperate issue. I become very PFB about my babies stuff, couldnt bear to part with it, but i was more than happy to give it to SIL as i knew she would use it and it wouldnt just get thrown away or forgotten. My SIL smokes but i wont need the stuff again, at least it is getting used.

How do you know your sister looks up to you?? FFS, get off your high horse. This is not about baby stuff is it? Do you feel a little put out that she is now pregnant and the centre of attention?

sitdownpleasegeorge · 02/07/2008 11:14

Easy way to minimise any family rows or offence is to put it in the attic and say you've lent it to a friend (one she doesn't know) and then if you have another ds produce it as having been returned by said friend after use.

Otherwise you could say she can have it when she and her dp have given up smoking as you will be needing it for any future children and you won't be able to use it if it reeks of fag smoke (A lot of soft fabric baby equipment is wipe clean only and can't be freshened up by being put through the washing machine). Might shock her into giving up ?

theressomethingaboutmarie · 02/07/2008 11:15

Be fair to the op - it sounds like she has had hassle from her sister for years and it's clearly getting to her. If I were you, I would not give her my things because a) they are precious to me and b) she won't respect them by making them all smokey-smelly.

bethoo · 02/07/2008 11:20

say you are keeping the stuff for sentimental reasons. i kept most of my ds baby clothes and the stuf fi wasnt too fussed about are in bags waiting for a friend who is having a boy (everyone seems to be having girls incl me!) so she can have them.
like alot of people have said you should not really have to justify yourself since yu bought them.

LazyLinePainterJane · 02/07/2008 11:54

Just stick all your stuff in the loft and say that you lent it all to a friend.

piggysgal · 02/07/2008 12:55

YANBU

Don't give her a bloody thing.

2boys2 · 02/07/2008 14:48

dont give them because you will only resent her even more when they dont come back in the same condition u lent them in. I didnt lend any thing out as i knew i wanted more but now my family is complete i have given the stuff away - and there is alot of stuff!!!

A friend of mine lent stuff to her friend and on asking for it back so she could use it for her ds2 was met with a rather sheepish "oh i got rid of it all" . This was a good friend too who KNEW they wanted it back. What i am trying to say is that u have spent alot of time and money saving for all your stuff - could u really afford to spend it out all over again??

alicet · 02/07/2008 15:03

I think if you don't want to lend her the stuff (baby and wedding dress) then just say no. You are wanting them for a possible dc2 and you want to keep them in good condition for that. And your wedding dress has sentimental value so sorry you are keeping it and will not lend it to her. No need to say anymore unless she pushes the matter. If she does then you can always tell her that you're concerned your items will be ruined as she smokes and also hasn't taken care of things you have leant in the past.

I disagree with others who say to be vague about it. She will probaby then keep asking and I wouldn't blame her. This will just cause further tensions in your relationship as you'll get hacked off that she won't take no for an answer and she'll get similarly hacked off that you aren't being very helpful.

She doesn't have any right to these things - they're yours and whatever your reasons are thats fair enough. But I think it's only fair that you tell her outright then she can arrange to get what she needs from elsewhere.

blueskythinker · 02/07/2008 17:25

As someone who has a sister who is a taker, not a giver, I can totally sympathise. I subsidised my sister for years, and she behaved hideously towards me. The posters who have been critical towards you are maybe fortunate enough to have better relationships with their siblings.

The term familiarity breeds contempt is good to bear in mind - and perhaps when you don't just hand over your stuff, she will maybe actually start to respect you more. It sounds like if you did give the stuff to her, it would just make you even more resentful.

I wouldn't be too bothered by your sister's reaction, but would be more concerned by what you think the rest of the family would be like - why would they give you grief if you didn't give her your baby things? Is she your responsibility?

You never know though, she maybe won't ask. I agree with the other posters who say it would be easier just to say you don't have the things anymore.

KatieDD · 02/07/2008 17:34

Hmm I would want new for DC 2 anyway so she'd be welcome to the old stuff. Honestly baby clothes cost peanuts and I bet you were given most of them as gifts.
And how would you feel if you keep all your blue bits in a suitcase, your sister has a boy and then your next child is a girl, then it would be a complete waste.

expatinscotland · 02/07/2008 17:42

It's a bunch of STUFF! It's clothes.

Used as point-scoring between two siblings.

'Oh, she's a taker, I'm a giver' 'she looks up to me, of course', implying that she's some big loser, and blah blah blah.

Like 13-year-olds keeping score about a bunch of material things.

How sad!

One day your parents will die, you'll be orphans, and all you'll have is your family that's still alive.

Or not because you spent your entire 'adult' lives squabbling over bundles of baby clothes and money.

Pitiful.

Especially considering she hasn't even asked for the stuff yet!

[rolls eyes]

lizandlulu · 02/07/2008 17:45

agree with alot on here, dont offer anything and if she does ask, tell her you wont lend her anything because of the smoke.

AngelDoll · 02/07/2008 17:53

Expat, I would think that the OP knows her family/sister better than you do! How can you possibly sum up her entire relationship with her sister - based on a few lines of a post? Families can be complicated affairs with YEARS of disputes adding up to the current picture, which the OP isn't necessarily going to go into now/here!!!!

Anyway. FWIW, I would not lend the wedding dress, I would keep the special baby clothes but give some of the basics to her for goodwill. Mainly to save you from being wracked with guilt. Then enjoy your DC and focus on ensuring that you do everything you can to ensure your DC's have a better relationship than you and your sister do. That's a positive legacy for the future.

expatinscotland · 02/07/2008 17:55

'Expat, I would think that the OP knows her family/sister better than you do! How can you possibly sum up her entire relationship with her sister - based on a few lines of a post? Families can be complicated affairs with YEARS of disputes adding up to the current picture, which the OP isn't necessarily going to go into now/here!!!!'

Well then why even ask 'Am I being unreasonable'?

Seriously.

Why ask everyone's opinions then?

Not everyone agrees, 'Oh, yes, OP, she's horrid. Don't give her a crumb.'

I don't.

So flame away.