Losing hope

[pippx]

My husband and I have been trying for our second baby for over 18 months now. I have had some basic tests done (bloods and scan) that have come back clear and DH is awaiting an appointment to give a sperm sample.
I am just losing hope that having another baby will ever be possible for us, I feel really sad at the thought of our DD not having a sibling to grow up with and make memories, or go on family holidays and her having a little brother or sister to play with. I just know she’d be the best big sister too. I worry about her being lonely as she gets older.
Whenever I see or hear someone announcing their second child it just upsets me and I feel so gutted. I am turning 36 in December and I really don’t want to be pregnant at 37 if I can help it. Each month I get a negative test I just think about the age gap between DD and them getting bigger as she will be turning 4 in April. I really hoped I’d be pregnant by now. This isnt how I imagined my life to be, especially after we conceived DD in the first month of trying, I just don’t know what could have changed so drastically for us. I know I’m older but surely I am still capable of conceiving?

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I wonder if the anxiety could be contributing to the difficulty in some way? I’m no expert but I’ve heard it could disrupt hormone balance for example.
I know it’s difficult not to be anxious when you want something so badly but perhaps it would help to shift your focus to enjoying your lovely daughter & treasuring her early years - rather than worrying about a sibling for her? She will be fine with or without a brother / sister if she is surrounded by love and has children of her own age to play with.
I do understand, it’s so difficult when you imagine your life one way and it doesn’t go as you imagined. But I wonder if relaxing into accepting your family as it is now will help your state of mind - not giving up on your hope for a second child of course (& you still have plenty of time to conceive) - but not imagining that it’s the only way to be happy either.

I just wanted to say you’re not alone. I’m in the same boat, 37 in April and I really want to get pregnant before then. I’ve a horrible pregnancy history and I was advised to take Letrozole and it worked for me then and brought my miracle, might be worth a try..

I was in your boat at the same age and as other posters have said anxiety can stop you getting pregnant. I started reflexology and I'm not saying it cured me but it certainly helped me take my mind off TTC and I eventually did get my positive test. A positive mindset and keeping your mind occupied and away from TTC will help you. Good luck!

Thanks for your replies. I did think I had relaxed into just accepting that this may be the way things are supposed to be and was ok with it but we have carried on trying anyway. However the last couple of weeks (since my last negative test) it has really been playing on my mind and I’ve just felt shit about it.
My husband and I have said that if this is the way our life is supposed to be then so be it, we can pour all of our love into our little girl and give her a wonderful life with all of our attention. It’s just the last couple of weeks I’ve felt quite sad about it and I do wonder what life would look like if we were to have two children.
Our GP haven’t been the most helpful either. I am sure I should be able to get some more tests done however they told me that after my husbands sample results have come back, there is nothing more they can do for us, as we already have our daughter together.

Same happened with us and second child. NHS fertility options are slow and limited so if you can afford it go private.

We never thought we'd be hearing about infertility and IVF when we had had a first baby with no problem, but that's what ended up happening and we are so happy with dc2.

It is expensive for sure and we were lucky to be able to afford it but if it's an option for you it will be better than waiting for the NHS wh ok can't offer you IVF anyway.

Try agnus castus

Btw following on from my previous post, we had dc1 naturally in the first month of trying. Thought we'd be fine for second pregnancy but there was an issue making the likelihood of it happening fairly low. Only knew about it from private tests.

Are you using ovulation sticks etc?

It's so hard, I'm here to reassure you about the age gap, there will be 6.5 years between my daughter and son when he's born next month. It took a year to conceive our first (which felt like forever) and then 4 years to conceive our son who I'm currently pregnant with now. It's all I could think about for years and my goodness, the absolute anguish about the age gap getting bigger and possibility it may not ever happen (I'm mid 30s too).

In all honestly, on both times we conceived, we weren't tracking, I think tracking ovulation and the 'optimal' time to dtd reduced our chances each month. But not here to tell you to "just relax", just to say I think the age gap we're now going to have is actually the biggest blessing. Everyone I have spoken to says we are so lucky and what a lovely age gap it will be. My daughter is so independent and settled at school now, she could not be more excited to have a baby in the house and help as much as she can. I had a small age gap with both my sisters and we fought like cat and dog and have never been particularly close.

Instead of thinking of them as a sibling pair, I reframed it that they will both get the benefits of having lots of attention each as babies/toddlers, less sibling rivalry, less frazzled parents, better financially, etc etc. I'm genuinely happy it's worked out the way it has.

Realy hope you do get your chance to have another, secondary infertility is heartbreaking and all consuming, you're not alone but your feelings are completely valid.

I am using the easy@home ovulation sticks and app. My cycle is a bit all over the place too, I seem to be ovulating around 3/4 weeks after my period stopping. I did have 3 months where it was exactly 2 weeks after my period stopped but it has gone back to the long cycles again.
I have completely lost the motivation and excitement of trying too, before when I’d see that I was ovulating I would get excited and think here’s our chance! Now I just think meh.
Our family is a happy one and she’s a very content little girl, I think I just need to focus on this but I can’t help feeling that wave of sadness every time I think about it and when my period comes.

We can’t afford to go private unfortunately :(

Sorry to hear that.
Definitely get what you mean about losing motivation. It's a cruel process!
And please don't assume it's necessarily anything on your side - could be male factor.

I'm sorry that you are having difficulties, it's hard. I hope that you find some answers soon and there is a way that you can conceive.

If your cycles are all over the place, please do at least look up agnus castus. I’m a biochemist, and felt it was worth a try and it helped stabilise my cycle lengths and I fell pregnant with my now DD18 after 15 cycles with no success