To think if you don’t want to have to think about other’s needs or feelings…

[ClaudiasCloak]

… you should accept others have the right to not have to think about yours?

Particularly in the context of friendships, etc rather than family or relationships.

For context, this is prompted by a friend who’s going through the perimenopause unusually early. She’s on HRT which apparently is helping but says losing estrogen has freed her from having to care about what other people need and feel and that from now on she’s only thinking about herself.

That’s fine, but it’s meant that while she’s no longer offering support when myself and others in our friendship group are going through a tough patch, she’s still expecting us to offer support to her. Put simply, as friends we’ve gone from “we’ve got each other’s back” to “I’m finished with watching your backs but I’ll be upset if you don’t have mine”.

She really can’t understand why we might see the imbalance as being a bit unhealthy and is offended we even question it. Any advice?

Tell her you thought this was a wonderful idea and so now you are all doing the same too.

Leave her to it.

She has bought into the bollocks that being in perimenopause allows you to be unpleasant to be around. It may reduce your bullshit tolerance. It doesn't excuse knowingly choosing to be difficult and uncaring.

Have you pointed this out to her OP? Is she aware of her behaviour?

Tell her to effing well eff off. What a fool.

She has an interesting take on it.

I’m definitely less sensitive to bullshit from strangers, but I care about my children, family, and good caused as much as ever.

Yes, in round about ways following specific incidents. Hence stating she gets offended we even question it. It’s not come to arguments, more us trying to explain nicely that friendships are built on reciprocity - none of us have ever wanted or expected her to suppress her own needs!

But it’s like we’re trying to explain 2 plus 2 equals five. She defaults to “I need to put myself first” and if we don’t adapt to us putting her first as well we’re abandoning her.

She sounds like a dose, I would ignore her rants let her chat away about her ‘awakening’.

If she asks for something you don’t want to do just say no that doesn’t suit. No need to connect the dots for her that only makes trouble for yourself.

Ooh someone’s voted I’m being unreasonable - there’s no chance you could explain why? Honestly, I’m looking for advice to help resolve things so seeing the other perspective would help!

Possibly because for two hours, there was no context.

Threads without context just become a silly question and unfortunately at the moment, MN is full of threads like that.

But YANBU anyway, just keep telling her.

In your situation I'd distance myself from her.

I have fuck all time or tolerance for people hiding their shit behaviour behind a label.

I think if she moans about the rest of you not bending to her will you should just casually say "Oh I thought we were putting ourselves first now" and then ignore her. She can't have it both ways as she's trying to do.

That’s all bollocks anyway: are we supposed to believe that were it not for oestrogen, women would be a great deal more like Genghis (sp?) Khan?
Nowt to do with very probably being brought up, even in the 21st century, in pink frills femininity and in some degree of broad-based subservience?

What does this iffy branch of science say about the typical post-menopausal woman who does not now decide that putting oneself first is the whole of the Law?

How come you haven’t already decided this wagon is not worth worrying about, on account of her thoroughly repellent attitude?
Even if her adoption of an ‘I’m alright Jack’ mantra were caused by a hormonal change, that doesn’t mean you have to endure it.

She's an emotional leach, she expects you to care about her but doesn't care about you. Ask yourself is that friendship?

Personally I'd tell her the truth that friendship works both ways and she's got every right to put herself first. But you have to put yourself first too so if she's unavailable to support you then you will be equally unavailable.

To be honest do you want to be friends with such a selfish person?

As a general rule, sometimes, if someone is going through a lot, I'd be ok about letting it all be about them-for some time. And only if it's reasonable, like a friend with a serious illness, a family member who has dementia etc.
But in her case, no. Presumably all of you will be in her shoes soon enough? OK, if some of you are having it much harder than others, some flexibility is fine. But it sounds like she's taking it to extremes.

Match her energy.