Son has spent the night with gf

[Mumofteenboy278]

DS16 has a gf 18 who he's been seeing for 18m or so. He is pretty mature for his age - youngest of 4 - and she isn't, and they look similar, so it doesn’t seem like a maturity or power imbalance.

He is only just 16. His siblings all had the rule of no staying overnight with someone until they were 18.

They both went to Reading festival in the summer, each camping with their friends, and I had the conversation with him before he went about mates before dates etc as I didn't want him spending the weekend with his gf instead of friends when he had arranged to go with them. Recently I was told via his friend's mum that he'd stayed in his gf tent.

Gf lives some distance away so we do say she can stay over any time. The other night she was sleeping downstairs and DS in his room upstairs; I woke up at 6am hearing someone opening/closing a door and on stairs.

I spoke to DS today. I said he is not permitted to sleep overnight with his GF until he is 18 (this was the rule we had for our other DCs) and I asked him about Reading and the other night at home. He said he'd stayed in GF tent one night at the festival and that the other night at home he fell asleep with her downstairs.

I've said he's broken our trust and she can't stay over and he can't have so much freedom now, because he's broken the rules and lied by omission.

Have I been totally naive here to trust him? Is it fair to apply our family rule of age 18 before sharing a bed with someone overnight ? AIBU to give DS less freedom now?

How on earth do you reasonably think you can control which tent he sleeps in at a festival you are not at?? You can have rules in your home for sure but you are being totally unreasonable to try to apply them here.

You are being ridiculous. HTH.

I'd be quite pleased to know he was safely in his gfs tent to be honest!

You’re being absolutely ridiculous and you will push your son away if you continue this batshittery.

I think you’ve been naive, I was sneaking around at that age. I also think you’ve been controlling

What do you hope to achieve? What is the result you want from this?

I think 16yos with girlfriends will want to have sex with them and given it’s not illegal and presumably he knows about being safe etc then I don’t really see what outcome you’re going for here. They aren’t going to not have sex. They’ll find a time and place to do it. You don’t want it in your house which is fair enough but you can’t stop them doing it somewhere else.

All you’re going to do is stop him telling you anything and he’ll still be having sex with her.

So do you all think it's ok for a 16yo to be spending the night with an 18yo? You wouldn't have any concerns about that?

I think I'm just a little worried he looks back later in life and thinks why didn't you put some boundaries in place.

Why do you want to control his sex life and relationship?

Thats not how boundaries work, you can't put them "in place" for other people.

As long as it's consensual and "safe" it's fine. Why are you referring to it as trust and him breaking it, he doesn't owe you anything when it comes to his physical relationship with his girlfriend, even if he agreed to it, that would have been coercive control.

Yes.

He is 16. He is of age.

He'll just not tell you, that's all. And probably move out as soon as possible. I wouldn't blame him.

You can’t complain about the tent, but in your own home your rules are the rules. You aren’t being unreasonable.

It sounds untenable to me, fair enough to stop them sleeping together at your house but I don’t think you can apply those rules elsewhere . He’s 16, it’s also possible to have sex during the day not in a bed so I think you’re on a hiding to nothing, unclench. He hasn’t broken your trust , if you continue to be melodramatic and over react you will lose his trust, I think you’re being unfair .

I think 16/17 isn’t an unusual time for someone to have sex for the first time. I’d say it’s pretty normal (at least it was when I was that age!). I would be concerned from a contraceptive standpoint but presumably you’ve had that chat way before now.

You can have rules about no sex in your house, but that's it IMO.

Your house, your rules. You can’t stop him staying in her tent at a festival, but if you wanted to you could stop him going, he is 16. That is up to you though

So she was 16.5 when she started dating a 14.5. That I wouldn’t have been happy about. I’m pretty sure a 16.5 yo sleeping with a 14.5 yo is illegal.

I think because if I say his gf can stay over on the basis that she sleeps in a different room to him, and they end up in the same room, thats breaking trust. And also if we say he can go to a festival and buy his ticket to go with his friends, and he spends it with his gf, that also feels like breaking trust.

I'm interested to hear all these different views though!

Who said they were sleeping together then?

Of course they were.

I think what you're doing is more likely to cause problems tbh as he'll just end up hiding things from you.

He's 16, she's 18, I'm 99.9% sure they've had sex already and the main thing is that they're both consenting and safe. Open and honest communication is better than judgement right now.

Yes, absolutely fine. They have already been together 18 months!

The rules are always relaxed for the youngest- it’s tradition.

Just talk to him about safe sex and consent, and ask him not to take the piss when he’s at your house, by making it obvious.

It's too late. No point in closing the stable door now.

The rules are always relaxed for the youngest- it’s tradition

yes! It’s the law.

Not necessarily. It was 16 months before I slept with my first boyfriend.