12 year old vape help

[Mytimenow25]

Bit of a back story - me and my DS12 dad split last year. We co parent well and DS sees his dad nearly every day. From March this year until August son went through some challenging behaviour at school including lateness to lessons, hiding from staff and vaping on 3 occasions. I was in close contact with the school, consequences were out in place at home and I got him in to councilling. Since starting councilling he has changed completely back to his old self, had got back in to his clubs outside of school and I have had several phone calls since September from school saying what a massive difference there is in him and his effort/attitude in school. Not a single negative behaviour point so far this term.

Now on to my problem. I found 2 vapes under his bed tonight. I called him through and he swears to me they are not his but they are his best mates who put them there last Thursday so his mum doesn't find him with them. After talking for a while and laying out the consequences if he is lying he allowed his dad to drive him to best mates house and tell his mum. Best mate denies it and his mum believes him.

I'm of the opinion he wouldn't let his dad drive him there and tell his mates mum if it wasn't true. The 3 times I found them he admitted it to me and accepted the consequences. I can read him like a book and know when he is lying to me and this time just feels different. He didnt shout, didn't cry, didn't get defensive just matter of factly said they were said mates.

What do I do? He has worked so hard to turn things around, is really focused on the particular sport he plays and fully knows the consequences vaping will have on his place on the team. All of this and how much he has engaged with the councillor makes me want to believe him but is he just pulling the wool over my eyes?

Gosh this is hard. Several things jump at me from your post; one - amazing that you have supported him so well during the hard times as it sounds like you’ve done a great job there. Two - I think I would be inclined to give him a mild punishment. Mild for several reasons - if they’re not his, next time he won’t let his mate leave his vapes at your house will he. Second - if they are his vapes, he has done well to turn things around & a mild punishment will remind him there are consequences if he reverts back to this sort of behavior.

I think a harsh punishment may undo the hard work you’ve put in to keep good relations despite poor behavior- this is actually really really difficult to do.
Can you speak to him again? Don’t let on that you don’t know whether to believe him or not- he needs to think you are in a strong position and not to be messed with!
Has he said where they / his friend got the vapes?? I would be inclined to keep him away from the ‘friend’ and I’d probably tell the mum why.

You talked to him, his dad took him to his mates, job done.

I’d trust your gut and let it slide.

This time.

You continue to keep a close eye. You continue to talk, praise, support and ask questions.

It sounds like he’s made amazing progress following counselling - you don’t want to undo it.

Just quietly observe. If he’s lying, he’ll show it soon enough.

He's told me the name of the boy who apparently sells them at school so I will be passing that on to the school tomorrow morning. He says he didnt know about them being in his room until I called him through but has seen his mate with them on the school bus and his mate got changed in his room when he came round after school last Thursday so had a chance to hide them.

Its so hard as I don't want to undo all the hard work he has put in to get to where we are but also don't want him to think he can get away with things if you know what I mean.

I've told him friend isn't welcome round for the foreseeable future and in my mind I am thinking if friend isn't allowed round and I don't find anything else then he must be telling the truth. Obviously if anything else happens I will know DS is lying. I regularly check his bag, phone and room so they couldn't have been there any longer than a week which would also tie in with his story.

Thank you. This is what my gut it telling me to do.

You’re his mum. Trust your gut x

How is he buying them? Cash or other ways? Just mindful of grooming etc.

Hope it is ok

Grooming crossed my mind when I caught him before as he said this person would just give him them he never paid anything for them. He doesn't have cash as anything he gets for birthdays/christmas etc he gives to me and I put it on his card for him. He card is linked to my phone and I get notifications every time he spends anything with the amount and where it was spent so no chance of him sending money this way. I also don't have cash around the house.

We had a conversation about grooming and what it was back then and it was something I told the councillor about before his first session. I haven't seen any other signs of potential grooming but I am conscious of it.