I really resent being a carer some times

[GreySharks]

I have 6 dc, 4/6 are at uni or graduated so I dont think it’s my parenting. My youngest is 14 and has asd, also struggles with his mental health, notably OCD especially around germs, people coughing set him off which is not ideal now it’s cold season. Also has self harmed in the past by cutting, he no longer cuts but he self harms by picking at his lips until they bleed and biting at his fingers and picking the skin to cause infection. Same with spots

His anxiety has really ramped up since puberty started in august which coincided with him turning 14. We have had issues for a few years with school, when things were really bad he said he’d rather kill himseld than go to school. The gp were useless tbh just referred to camhs and told me to take to a&e if i thought he was at risk. Still haven’t seen camhs btw despite me calling often and half the time school don’t get back to me

School have been helpful in a way. They have put him in the hub which is a room for other autistic children, he feels he doesn’t fit in here as he feels he’s too autistic for real classes but not autistic enough for the hub which was his words, a lot of other children in the hub have ta’s whereas ds doesn’t. They also have relaxed the uniform for him, he his uniform is literally, long sleeve shirt, tie, trousers, velcro shoes which are more trainer style and he’s allowed to wear a t shirt under the shirt and due to his ocd traits he wears fingerless gloves. He also presents himself scene day to day and has dyed hair and piercings which last year school allowed as he was in the hub anyway, this year they have said they can’t allow them as it can’t be a rule for him and another for everyone else, which I get but he doesn’t understand why and he won’t take them out at all so that’s added more anxiety about school. He went 2 days last week with the piercings in and tbh if i forced him to take them out he wouldn’t have gone those 2 days either

He doesn’t leave the house apart from school, not even for a walk so essentially i’m trapped at home when he’s home. He struggles to sleep, he always have but atm it’s worse, he sleeps about 11ish but often wakes up a couple hours later and is awake for hours and wakes me because he wants his phone/is upset/is really anxious etc and he just can’t settle despite being tired

EHCP for school has only just been sent off so who knows how long that’ll take. I went from caring for my other ds who became disabled after an accident to caring for youngest whilst also still been there for my other ds as despite him wanting to be independent it isn’t fully possible, he needs support with some things still and taken to appointments and it’s exhausting. I did have therapy a few years ago before youngest showed these issues but it didn’t do much and i don’t think it would now.

Posters on another thread jumped on me accusing me of being lax as he was posting on tiktok, which i still don’t know how to handle with him because im just exhausted, this weekend has been worse as he’s been the snappiest and moodiest he’s ever been which is probably hormones but also tiredness and his general mh he just seems so on edge about everything

He probably won’t be at school tomorrow, i keep suggesting ear defenders to try and get around the coughing issue but he refuses because he doesn’t want to be seen as different but he’ll be in the hub anyway, also doesn’t accept a fidget toy and his fingers are red raw again from school on friday

I don’t know what i want from this thread but i really resent him and being his carer

Oh op - i remember your other thread. People will be along with advice but I wanted to offer a handhold

Youve done very well to get him this far. Do you get a break? Can your eldests give you a couple of days to yourself just to decompress?

🩷 x

My elder dc do visit but when they do he gets really on edge and refuses to come downstairs which is a newish thing since puberty began a few months ago so i think it’d add more anxiety to him then i’ll just be worrying the whole time if i were to go out. my other ds lives with us but he’s disabled and it doesn’t feel very fair on him and even though they live together they aren’t that close, he does ask youngest if he wants to help him with his lego or something but youngest always says no and he just prefers to be on his own in his room

bump

I just read your other thread directing posters here. What you are asking is quite specific and I really wouldn't have had anything of value to add. From what you say here you are doing your best in a really tough situation. Again, no advice, but it's sounds like absent any other direction, you follow your instincts and try to manage day to day as you have been.

Keeping looking for help, eventually I really hope that you'll get the support you need.

Thank you

I'm sorry things feel so tough right now. I have teens with asd and it's bloody hard, the ocd is a whole other level of exhaustion. Keep on at CAMHS and it might be useful to know nice guidelines say they can give meds for ocd even if the person doesn't want to,or can't engage in therapy, if that helps at all. If you haven't already try to find some parent support groups for teens with asd/ocd/MH difficulties (Facebook has a few). I find it helps to have a place where others understand exactly what you're going through.

You're dealing with a very complex child and I would imagine there's little space or time for you here. My DD has OCD but at this age was also engaged at school, had friends etc, and it was a bumpy time but mostly managed, big feelings more than anything.
After raising so many children no wonder you are feeling a bit wrung out

What sort of piercings does he have? Ears? Surely the school would allow that if they are discreet?

Poor kid. So many siblings in the family must be hell for his OCD. I'm not really sure what someone with six kids expects tbh. Chances are at least one of them is going to have issues of some sort. I mean I do sympathise but I can't get over six kids tbh. Just my heart goes out to this lad who is clearly struggling so much. And now his mum resents him.

How is that helpful? Only one sibling lives with us.

He has one ear piercing, nose piercing (small stud) and lip piercings on either side, they did allow them last school year as he was in the hub anyway but this year they won’t when is an additional thing as it’s not logical to him because he was allowed last year

I do get the need for rules but it hasn’t helped the situation

Your situation sounds so hard and it sounds like you’re doing amazing things for your kids. They’re lucky to have you.

from a practical perspective have you suggested in ear loops instead of ear defenders? They’re much more discreet.

Yeah I know but presumably the rest come to visit. I have OCD (though not as bad as your sons by the sounds of it) and I'm already dreading having to clean all the floors after Christmas. What help is he getting for his OCD?

We set up a tv dd could use during the night that was restricted to appropriate content. So no phone allowed, but if she has anxiety in the night she has something to use for distraction. I’m not in the uk so I don’t know how to set up something similar there, but it really helped us with the nights. Just knowing it was an option helped her sleep.

It infuriates me that schools try to make an issue about uniform, piercings, or hair color. They are right that one rule for him and a different rule for others is a problem. The exception showed the flaw in their rule. It has no purpose in the first place. His piercings do not impact his ability to learn or distract other students from learning.