DS has been uninvited from a sleepover and I don’t know what to tell him

[TryingNotToMakeItWorse]

DS is in year 6, 10 but turns 11 next month. One of his closest friends is having a sleepover next weekend for her birthday and invited him along with 5 other girls. He’s the only boy.

He’s always got on better with girls really. He’s got a couple of boy mates but theyre more school friends if that makes sense, whereas the girls are who he actually wants to spend time with outside school. He’s been friends with this particular girl since year 3 and they’ve been to each others houses loads of times, so it’s not like they’ve only just started hanging about together.

Anyway he was invited last week. They were going to have pizza, watch films and all sleep in the living room.

Yesterday the mum messaged me saying she’d had a conversation with one of the other mums who wasnt comfortable with her DD staying overnight if a boy was there. Apparently she’d not really thought about it before but had decided she was going to make it girls only after all. So DS is no longer invited.

I do understand that its her house and she can have whatever rules she wants but I feel really uncomfortable about the way its happened. He was invited and now he’s been dropped because another parent has an issue with it. The birthday girl apparently still wants him there and they’ve not fallen out or anything.

I havent told him yet because I honestly dont know how to explain it without him thinking she’s changed her mind about being his friend. He doesnt get invited to that many sleepovers and he was genuinely excited about this one.

Part of me thinks I should just say the plans have changed and leave it at that, but then he’s going to find out at school when the other girls talk about it.

Would you tell him the actual reason or keep it vague? And would you say anything to the mum or just leave it now?

98% of assaults are by men. I think this is unlikely.

I always said to DD3 (when she used to have friends, before she got unwell) that she could send me a message that just said xx and I would call her and say that something had come up and she had to come home, so I'd pick her up.

The risks of same sex attraction are a) less likely (3% of the population are not heterosexual) and b) less dangerous because there is not the same physical power imbalance c) no chance of pregnancy

“Unfortunately”?

Really?

To those who are saying ‘he’s only 10’, what age do you think it is appropriate to start teaching boys about the issues girls face and how to be respectful of that?

We can wish it weren’t so, we can want for it to be different, but we absolutely can’t ignore that it is true. Rather than deciding boys are being treated as if they are the problem, why can’t we be teaching them they are the solution. If boys feel bad because the behaviour of other boys is labelling them as problematic, isn’t it better to teach them they have the power to deal with that by A) not doing it themselves but more importantly by B) making sure those other boys are called out on their behaviour?

From what I’ve seen, boys are really good at policing each other in the playground, on the football pitch, standing up for each other when they see what they deem to be unfair play. If a player in a team commits a foul, every member of that team calls the foul, even at ten years old. Nobody is worried that in doing so those boys will worry they might also be assumed to be the type of player who commits a foul. And yet we are supposed to believe that at 10 years old, boys are not capable of understanding that “unfair play” when it comes to girls means something different and it can involve behaviour that boys specifically indulge in, so the best course of action is to call foul.

The current discourse around VAWG where we have men defending other men, excusing their behaviour because the woman “might have….” is being met with “we just have to educate men better.” If this is true, when do we think this should start? Do we wait until they are fully grown? Do we start when they are teenagers full of hormones? Or would it be better to do it at the point where they are old enough to understand the concepts, but not yet having to deal with hormonal changes themselves. 9/10 years old seems the perfect age to start talking about it.

Just say it’s all girls.

He needs to learn young that single sex spaces are legitimate.

I would tell you son the truth, however I would make it clear that the mum is in the wrong and it should have been the other girl not attending or not sleeping over. What a shame he’s not even being included for pizza etc.

That’s fine, but it is cruel to change a plan to single sex at the very last minute when it only excludes one friend. If I was the other girls mum I’d just say my daughter couldnt sleep over. I’d be mortified if a nice boy was actually uninvited!

Yes very much so. I think mums of boys would understand .

Unfortunately thinking that he’s a young innocent boy and wouldn’t know anything about the birds or the bees or be interested in it is what parents of young children thought and then voila the 10/11 year old girl ended up pregnant and they didn’t really know what they were doing at the time - either of them - just doing what felt nice and came natural…so I can understand “Ava’s” mums concerns and frankly the birthday girls mum should have thought this too. Yes it doesn’t happen every day but it DOES happen!!

This is pretty much the same as the UK Scout system, except that patrols are mixed sex but on any given camp you'd share a tent with a selection of those of your own sex. My DD/DS camp recently had I think 3 tents of boys and 2 of girls but no one patrol would have had a big enough number to fill a tent anyway.

While I'm sure the Dutch attitude to sex is good in some ways, with a much lower pregnancy rate than the UK, I'm not sure the stats on the overall attitude to women by e.g. men who pay for sex mean it's a complete utopia. I'd be curious to see how Dutch teenage boys go from understanding how sex works and how to make sure contraception is secure, to having a very high rate of violence against prostituted women. A bit of a conundrum there, though the legal model has a lot to answer for, you'd really hope that boys brought up to believe girls are their equal would not be doing this.

https://nordicmodelnow.org/2025/08/10/the-nordic-model-vs-full-decriminalisation/

Nah, it's a month away. Oh well, such is life.

Nah. I brought my son up to know that he wasn't entitled to everything and that girls could say no to him, and because I didn't raise him to consider himself a victim and he understands that everyone - even girls and women - are entitled to boundaries he's a thriving adult now who has great relationships with women.

Bloody hell. Are you truly ignorant to how this sounds?

I agree.

If the other mum hasn't already suggested this. I wouldn't push it.

Its really bad to devite someone though. You will have to explain to DS OP. I dont think its appropriate though a boy sleeping over with a bunch of girls.

If it was just this one mum with an issue, why is your son being uninvited?
If I was uncomfortable with this, I would just say thanks but Penny can only make it to the movie/pizza but not the sleepover.
Doesn't seem fair your son has to suffer. Very bad form from the birthday mum and very odd she didn't suggest he enjoy the rest of the birthday activities.

single sex sleepovers in group birthdays parties is the norm from this age.
i think you just be honest and say it’s girl only.
it’s different with family and close friends when parents know the children and the family.

This

no more needs to be said

I have a son, and in addition I wouldn’t put him in that situation

I havent said he is only 10 but I think these conversations should be before 9-10 years and should start as soon as the child is born. We have always spoken and modelled consent from when all our children (both boys and girls) were tiny. We have had the conversations about private parts etc. We have also spoke about being the person to call out others behaviours, no matter how difficult this is, and that they can speak.to us about anything that has made them feel uncomfortable. Having these types of conversations from a young age makes it a normal thing to talk about. Obviously age appropriate etc.

But the risks are still there and the harm caused is still very significant even if it's "less dangerous" or there is no pregnancy. We have had an issue in a friend group at primary school because of the inappropriate behaviour of one boy to another.

Schools don’t have mixed changing or mixed residential to protect and safe guard all the kids

yes it’s disappointing for your son but check with mum. If he can come for pizza and film and you pick up after

then say to your son

he must understand /reliese why he has been disinvited as the only boy

If you read the op the other mum did and explained why to birthday girls mum, who then agreed with the reasons and decided for safeguarding to make it single sex. With i expect all future sleepovers will be from now on, hes 11 next month and needs to understand that hes far to old for mixed sex sleepovers.