DS has been uninvited from a sleepover and I don’t know what to tell him

[TryingNotToMakeItWorse]

DS is in year 6, 10 but turns 11 next month. One of his closest friends is having a sleepover next weekend for her birthday and invited him along with 5 other girls. He’s the only boy.

He’s always got on better with girls really. He’s got a couple of boy mates but theyre more school friends if that makes sense, whereas the girls are who he actually wants to spend time with outside school. He’s been friends with this particular girl since year 3 and they’ve been to each others houses loads of times, so it’s not like they’ve only just started hanging about together.

Anyway he was invited last week. They were going to have pizza, watch films and all sleep in the living room.

Yesterday the mum messaged me saying she’d had a conversation with one of the other mums who wasnt comfortable with her DD staying overnight if a boy was there. Apparently she’d not really thought about it before but had decided she was going to make it girls only after all. So DS is no longer invited.

I do understand that its her house and she can have whatever rules she wants but I feel really uncomfortable about the way its happened. He was invited and now he’s been dropped because another parent has an issue with it. The birthday girl apparently still wants him there and they’ve not fallen out or anything.

I havent told him yet because I honestly dont know how to explain it without him thinking she’s changed her mind about being his friend. He doesnt get invited to that many sleepovers and he was genuinely excited about this one.

Part of me thinks I should just say the plans have changed and leave it at that, but then he’s going to find out at school when the other girls talk about it.

Would you tell him the actual reason or keep it vague? And would you say anything to the mum or just leave it now?

Nice try and a good attempt at selective quoting (ignoring the parts of the posts that prove the lie of your statement)
We all read those posts and your 1st example asked why would telling a boy no be automatically harmful or rude instead of a teaching moment and "why wouldn't he ..."
The 2nd quote was in response to your agreegous statements about women and girls having boundaries and the right to dignity and privacy.
Saying no to boys and men, saying that there are times and places where no male should be is not rude and women and girls shouldn't be expected to shut up and move over just because a boy or man wants inappropriate access to them.

So again I point out that you are the only person on this thread talking about gender and gendered stereotypes whilst we are talking about sexed bodies and the risks of mixed sex sleepovers at the age of these children and you appear to be doing so for your own nefarious reasons

So again I point out that you are the only person on this thread talking about gender and gendered stereotypes

If you can't see how those statements are infused with deeply harmful gendered stereotypes, inappropriately projected on 10 year old children, then I really can't help you.

Can’t you ask the Mum if he can still attend for films and pizza then come home before bed? Then you could invent an excursion for the following day that means leaving the house early, hence why he couldn’t stay for the sleepover?

Ah the DARVO is strong in you

No because he’s not been invited for pizza and a movie. I’m so sick of boys/ men thinking they’re the priority

Unless you're being lied to, the mum with the issue should be told to remove her child from the sleep over not uninvite your DS!
Whilst it does get to a stage where mixed sex sleep overs need more careful handling, at this age, close friends, established sleep overs, it should not be an issue.
My last mixed sex sleep over was 18+!!
Am really sorry but not sure what to advise you to tell your DS, other than a version of the truth. Make sure it reflects badly on the other mother, not the friend whose sleepover it is.
Maybe plan a nice outing with him instead and have a meet up with the other lass another time if he would like.

I think the thread has been derailed somewhat. Even aside from perceived risks/ concerns around safeguarding and sexuality, it is perfectly normal and natural (and healthy) for a pubescent girl to want to protect her privacy, and to have the right to do so - whatever her/ her mum's reasons. It's why girls and boys that age change separately for PE at school, it's why there is separation at overnight residentials. It's as straightforward as "I'm sorry ds, but girls that age are changing and it's their right to protect their privacy." This isn't prudish, it's about respecting girls' bodily autonomy.

Also strange for the other mum to not just decline the invite if she wasn't comfortable with it.

Make sure it reflects badly on the other mother, not the friend whose sleepover it is

Why? The mother of the girl whose sleepover it is is the one at fault, since both children were invited in the first instance. This could have all been avoided with better management, such as a text to all the girls' parents before the boy was invited, asking if anyone had any issues.

I have no idea why you're intent on villainising the other girl and her mother.

It doesn't reflect badly on anyone at all. And encouraging a mum to tell her son that a woman looking out for her daughter is an act which reflects badly on her is an insane bit of parenting advice- even if you think that act is misplaced.

The mum who arranged the sleepover didn't realise that now might be the age at which what was once appropriate is no longer appropriate, the mum of the girl who pointed this out was safeguarding the girls involved, and the OP here is understandably upset that her son will miss out on something he was looking forward to. These things happen.

I don't know why on earth anyone would expect the other mum to just decline her daughter's invitation. As if she probably didn't just have a little chat with the mum arranging and voice some concerns which that mum took into consideration and agreed with. For the sake of ALL involved.

The best thing for absolutely everyone involved is to hold their hands up and say "hey ho, they grow up so fast don't they! Let's find another way they can maintain their friendship that feels more comfortable for all."

And we shouldn't be teaching our girls that all boys or men are predators!
Am fully aware of safeguarding procedures.
I have a boy and a girl and am very selective about sleepovers. I've turned them down for my DD for various reasons. As a parent, I don't allow her to go somewhere I'm not comfortable with. I would never turn round and say so and so can't come to a sleepover so my DD can.

The party mum could easily have said "oh I'm so sorry Alice can't come then, all the other mums are happy with Bertie being there" but she didn't. For her own reasons. Maybe Alice's mum isn't alone, maybe the party mum has changed her mind about mixed sex sleepovers because Alice's mum gave her a wake-up call.
The OP really can't ask the party mum which is is though!

No, hundreds of thousands of years of biology and testosterone do, love.

Honestly.

It's true, you can't help us.

Listen, it's absolutely women's fault that as a section of society they have had their boundaries trampled on and violated for centuries by men, because they keep banging on about it. Women make men feel like predators and that is the sole reason they ever become predators.

If we just stopped with all this safeguarding nonsense, men would never grow up knowing they are capable of such horrors, and we could all just live in a utopia where men and women have entirely platonic sleepovers into adulthood and nothing unterward would happen because we just don't see sex differences anymore.

Can't we all just accept how enlightened @Lacksie is- they have been showing us an entirely new viewpoint that none of us have ever come across before: women should just keep quiet and accept that their opinions, feelings, and boundaries are the issue here 🙄

It's a shame that he's been completely dropped when he could have just come home rather than stayed over. But as others have said, there's several reasons that are perfectly reasonable as to why it's not appropriate.

I think that’s a bit crappy to be honest. If I was that parent I’d of told the other mum I understood her reasons for not wanting her DD to stay and we would arrange a sleepover for her at some other time. No way would I uninvite a child.

“Biology is not destiny” is feminism 101. But please don’t let critical thinking get in the way of your naturalisation of patriarchy and sexual violence.

And by all means, keep raising children to believe that male violence and female subordination are natural, inevitable consequences of biology, rather than phenomena shaped by social norms that we have the capacity to challenge and change

I don't think you really know what biology or feminism are.

Yep. OP simply should have told her son he was no longer invited, and why. It's such a commonplace, everyday thing for girls to want same sex only sleep overs. He'd best get used to girls having the right to say no to boys now.

She could then have arranged a pizza sleep over party for him at her own house if she felt that way inclined.

As I said, OP should have named her thread "My Son has been told NO by a girl! The horror! How can I salve his boyfeelz, rewrite the narrative, and ensure this gross injustice never happens again!"

I think it’s rotten. Uninviting someone is cruel. And it gives the idea that all males are just waiting to assault females. I really don’t like it. My DS had plenty of mixed sleepovers. Produces much more healthy relations between the sexes - which he had from closeness to his sister anyway.

Lol. "I think girls should be forced to be around boys on sleepovers, even if they don't want to. I really like boys having access to all female spaces no matter how that makes the girls feel. MY son is super important and everyone should know that"

Fixed your comment for you.

Out of curiosity, what age did you let your son have mixed sleepovers until? Or did that go on throughout and after pubity.

I can't tell what's driving the majority of these comments about it being 'cruel' to put a stop to mixed sleepovers- is it willful ignorance?

Normally speaking it is considered rude to rescind invites or acceptances. But usually that happens when eg 'I have found something/someone better' which generally isn't a good enough reason.

In this case rescinding the invite is unfortunate but entirely reasonable as previously inconsidered issues have come to light re 'privacy, dignity and safety' of the girls attending.

That's where people are getting confused, (apart from the one poster who either doesn’t care about these issues or who thinks by ignoring them they will just go away).

Well, yes. That and that there's a difference between rude and 'cruel'!