DS has been uninvited from a sleepover and I don’t know what to tell him

[TryingNotToMakeItWorse]

DS is in year 6, 10 but turns 11 next month. One of his closest friends is having a sleepover next weekend for her birthday and invited him along with 5 other girls. He’s the only boy.

He’s always got on better with girls really. He’s got a couple of boy mates but theyre more school friends if that makes sense, whereas the girls are who he actually wants to spend time with outside school. He’s been friends with this particular girl since year 3 and they’ve been to each others houses loads of times, so it’s not like they’ve only just started hanging about together.

Anyway he was invited last week. They were going to have pizza, watch films and all sleep in the living room.

Yesterday the mum messaged me saying she’d had a conversation with one of the other mums who wasnt comfortable with her DD staying overnight if a boy was there. Apparently she’d not really thought about it before but had decided she was going to make it girls only after all. So DS is no longer invited.

I do understand that its her house and she can have whatever rules she wants but I feel really uncomfortable about the way its happened. He was invited and now he’s been dropped because another parent has an issue with it. The birthday girl apparently still wants him there and they’ve not fallen out or anything.

I havent told him yet because I honestly dont know how to explain it without him thinking she’s changed her mind about being his friend. He doesnt get invited to that many sleepovers and he was genuinely excited about this one.

Part of me thinks I should just say the plans have changed and leave it at that, but then he’s going to find out at school when the other girls talk about it.

Would you tell him the actual reason or keep it vague? And would you say anything to the mum or just leave it now?

We had the exact same situation although it happened in yr4. I explained to my son that his friend had changed her mind and decided to only invite girls and he was disappointed but got over it and they're still friends. He's now in yr6 and I'd find it easier to explain at this age and can see that parents would feel uncomfortable about this whereas I thought a mixed sex sleepover in yr4 would've been fine, but accepted that other parents disagreed.

I would explain it to him honestly otherwise he could end up thinking that he's been uninvited because of something he's done.

With my son, it did prompt me to actively help him become better friends with some of the boys because I realised the girls he'd always played with were growing up faster than he was and he'd ended up a bit on the outside of both boy and girl friendship groups. There was a school residential that year and he really struggled to choose other boys to share a room with. Luckily he had an amazing teacher that year who really helped him form some other friendships and now has a great group of mainly boy mates with some girls too.

It’s not about the threat! It’s about body autonomy and possible embarrassing situations. A flooding period for the girls for example or for my son who this age sometime of a morning he’s been waking up and in his words, his Willy is sticking up!!

he would be traumatised if that happened in front of his female friends

All men are potential abusers of all women. That's why we have safeguarding and single sex environments. And that's also why women and girls - and men and boys - have natural and appropriate feelings of acting and behaving differently around each other, whether we undress in front of each other, allow ourselves the vulnerability of sleeping in each others' company and so on. This kicks in prior to 10 years old.

What is the issue with being truthful?

Honestly, I’m surprised he was ever invited! And that you ever accepted! Both incredibly bonkers. Some of those girls will have started puberty, possibly periods etc. Are you his mother or father? Surely if mother you would understand why the girls would not want him there!! It won’t have just been one mum with concerns.

This is a good opportunity to teach him about respecting girls boundaries and their spaces and their needs are not personal. Raise a young man who can respect women, not one who feels wronged by not being able to cross their boundaries.

It’s difficult but I suspect the sleepover invites for your DS will slow / stop in the near future anyway with this group as they hit puberty and get more interested in make up / spa experiences. While upsetting for your DS you need to tell him the truth, as they are getting older it’s not appropriate for him to be sleeping in the same room as the girls , sad though it is that’s to protect him as much as the girls and in reality I don’t think him going for the pizza and film and having to come home will necessarily be better than him not going at all.

Rude? Girls and women’s right to feel safe when they sleep is rude if they don’t want to include boys/ men. Ffs. We can guess the child you have.

This. I don’t get why he wouldn’t understand this at his age, he’s not 5. I don’t actually think it’s unreasonable to be uncomfortable with a mixed sleepover at this age either.

So, you’re saying.

If I invite a man to sleep in my room, then decide I don’t want that - it’s rude to tell them I don’t want them there?

if I invite a man in to my bed, then think, ‘actually no’ then I should just let them so as not to be rude?

if I invite a man to have sex with me, then change my mind…I should do it anyway so as not to be rude?

I really hope you don’t have a son

No you don't blame one of his friends. That would make him feel even worse. Anyway, all we know is that the mum didn't like the idea. The girl might be fine with it

Or, as is more likely the case, the girl spoke to her mum about feeling uncomfortable about it, and the mum agreed to raise it on her behalf. As any good mum would do. Also, it's not 'blame' to state a fact that girls develop earlier and are quite justified in asking for privacy as a result.

I think telling young girls that they can’t change their minds about sharing a bedroom with a male is a fabulous message.

We really don’t hammer it home enough if I’m honest.

I have a year 6 girl. At that age some of the girls are beginning to charge so I totally understand why no mixed sex sleepover. I'm slightly shocked the birthday parents thought it was ok to have mixed sex sleepover anyway . Just tell your son the truth that it's just girls for the sleepover. Why can't your son go for the pizza and film but of the party.

Perhaps it's time for the birds and bees chat.

Explaining dispassionately why he's been uninvited should help him to reach a much-needed understanding of girls' (and boys') needs for privacy in single-sex spaces as they approach puberty. Growing children have the right to feel safe and unembarrassed about their bodies, especially in bed at night. A boy of almost 11 years old should not be sleeping with girls.

And being apprised of the facts of developing puberty / sexuality should also help DS to see that his being uninvited, however disappointing, is not personal and not the end of his friendships. He has done nothing wrong and can continue to enjoy the company of his female friends.

DM naturally feels protective of her child's hurt feelings. But here his feelings are superseded by the safety and privacy concerns for others. DM should clearly convey to DS that these concerns come first. That they are paramount. This understanding should stand him in good stead as he grows up.

I have boys and I wouldnt be comfortable about them going to sleep over at a girls on the last year of primary.

Girls are stating to develop, they may have periods. To me its not appropriate for a boy to stay over but perhaps im old fashioned.

I dont blame the mum for raising concerns.

When we do scouts we wont let boys re girls share tents no matter what the age. Ita simple safe guarding.

On a sinister note - what would you do if one of the girls said your dc had touched her inappropriately (even if it was total fabrication). Single sex spacing is there for a reason. To protect both boys and girls.

Totally bizarre. Of course a ten year old boy can’t sleep over with girls. Just tell him it’s not appropriate

Why don’t you ask him and the mum- maybe he’d be ok with it ? It’s pretty rude to take his invite back. Or could he sleep in a spare room? I’m surprised another mum has told the birthday mum what to do - also rude.

Im sure he would understand if he had to leave early - have they been on their residential yet? The boys and girls will be sleeping separately

No, we teach children that even if they don't understand why we have some rules, we have them because they keep people safe. That grown ups make the decisions because children don't always appreciate that there need to be rules.

Honestly, some of the boy parents on this thread demonstrate clearly why we have such issues.

If a girl says no, then no.

not, ‘oooh but he doesn’t fancy you so it’s fine’

or

‘you said yes before, so you can’t change your mind, it’s rude’

or

‘but he’s harmless, he just wants to be one of the girls.’

No, no, no. We’ve had enough of boys and men in our lives to now say, no.

We are not talking about a man though, we are talking about a 10 year old.

Our DD always had a large group of girlfriends over for sleepovers which included Noah who was so obviously gay from a very young age 13 years on and he is still gay and can sleepover when ever he wants

I definitely felt sexual attraction by the time I was ten. I went through puberty on the earlier side – had an adult amount of pubic hair at ten and got my period when I was eleven. There’s a whole range of normal when it comes to the age when kids start having sexual feelings.

The thing is we know atleast 1 mum said no her dd will not be coming because of a boy being their and it was most likely more than 1 mum who said no for the exact same reason.
Host mum has had to make a decision based on the fact that parents are refusing permission for a mixed sex birthday sleepover vs inappropriately including a boy.
The boy should not have been invited in the 1st place.
It will be disappointing for the boy however he and his mum need to understand that he will continue to be excluded from sleepovers and other discussions and just basically lots of things as the girls are maturing and will want to spend time together talking about the changes as they go through them and hes never going to go through that he will instead go through male puberty and the different changes that that causes

you are teaching them that "keeping them safe" meaning preserving their (so-called) "privacy and dignity" (honour?) from boys that are their friends and that they feel comfortable around. Uh huh.

Perfect answer