WIBU to tell DD it’s ok to get angry?

[VioletsTale]

For background, we are investigating the possibility of DD having ASD. I can add more detail if needed , but I don’t want to make the thread too long.

She’s 15 now , and for the past couple of years she feels guilty/apologises when she gets angry. And by get angry I mean a huff or sigh, or walking away(normally teary eyed), or an eye roll or a grunt. That’s literally it. The teary eyes I suspect come from frustration and effort trying to hide the emotion. She said before , that when she doesn’t know how to act in a certain situation she just feels like crying. If I mention it later she instantly says “I know, I’m sorry, I feel bad”. Last time this happened we had a longer chat and I told her there’s nothing to feel bad or apologise for.

We all have emotions, we’re allowed to feel them and even express them. It’s how we express them that can sometimes be the issues, but she’s allowed to feel angry, frustrated, fed up etc. Everyone else in the house is… Even the cat! She doesn’t have to hide it or be happy/level/perfect all the time.

I was talking about this with a friend as part of my wider concerns and she basically said I made a rod for my own back, and that I’ve given her a carte blanche now to shout at us, slam doors, swear etc. and not to be surprised when it happens. I respectfully disagreed and said something like “I seriously doubt she’ll go from 0 to 60, just because I said she’s allowed to feel her emotions”. She said not to come crying to her when she tells me to fuck off and “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.”.

I am honestly not concerned that DD will do any of that, but I am wondering if I had the right approach. Also, any words of wisdom/experiences of navigating this type of situation/problem will be very gratefully received.

Of course. Sounds like she needs to learn that feelings aren’t wrong it’s what we do with them that dictates that. Feeling angry is just something that happens, venting it through a sigh or writing an angry entry in a diary or going for a run or calmly stating ‘that action made me angry’ isn’t wrong. Hitting, shouting, throwing etc is wrong.

Feelings happen. Actions are what we control. Maybe your friend isn’t very emotionally mature or able to see the caveat.

Your friend is crazy. You are absolutely right. It sounds like your friend would rather have a child that doesn't bother her with any inconvenient emotions. That's not healthy or fair. If my kids are struggling I want to know so I can support them, I don't want them to suppress negative emotions so I can pretend everything is ok!

This basically. I already know she’s struggling. She’s much more straightforward with sadness or anxiety , but anger it’s like she feels she HAS to hide it. It’s never been the case and I also don’t know /understand where it’s coming from, especially coupled with the guilty feeling. I’m trying to unpick it, but it’s very slow going and not really getting anywhere atm.

Have you seen Inside Out?

The core message is that every emotion has a purpose, and suppressing feelings causes harm.

In our society, girls are encouraged to be “emotional” but only certain emotions. They are often allowed to express sadness, worry and vulnerability but discouraged from showing anger, frustration and assertiveness.

Inside Out shows there is pressure on girls to be always pleasant and avoid conflict. I would watch the movie with her.

And by get angry I mean a huff or sigh, or walking away(normally teary eyed), or an eye roll or a grunt. That’s literally it.

If that's really all it is, you don't need to ask.

No matter what your friend said.

We watched them both when they came out. I think she masked so much and for so long when she started secondary in order to fit in, that she’s “stuck” , at least when it comes to this.

It honestly is. I basically told her there’s no need to apologise for that, she feels what she feels and expressing herself would actually help me understand better why and try to navigate that.

I mean… even if she shouted , it wouldn’t exactly be the end of the world would it? As long as she expressed what she’s angry about.

All feelings are fine all behaviours are not. You’re right to guide your dd to showing and expressing all her feelings.

Anger can feel big and destructive and like it’s pushing to be external far more than sadness

Not sure I agree there. No shouting isn’t the end of the world at home.. but if she learns to do that as an expression of her emotions and does it at work then she could get fired.

I would get her someone to talk to about valid ways to show anger and upset. I was conditioned to always apologise and do it even when the other person is clearly in the wrong, it is the gut reaction for me. Then I think on it in the moments after (usually too late to do anything) which can actually be very enraging because the moment has passed and I feel dismissed/unseen/unheard but I know it is my issue. At my school it was be seen and not heard and follow the rules unquestioningly. I was not good at that when I first got there as a feisty 6 year old but was a complete wet wipe by 16. I think it actually has meant I harboured grudges against emotionally abusive authority figures in my childhood for decades and made me question the status quo a lot more than most. So much of what I had growing up was anti-critical thinking mostly because the adults didn't know how to answer my questions.

I am glad the way society views female anger is changing and it is becoming normalised to hear women speak up for themselves. Having someone independent to discuss ways to approach emotional expression would probably be very helpful to her so she can identify emotions quickly and react appropriately so that she is respected and can draw boundaries. I suspect many women burn out because of the inability to express negative emotions through society conditioning them that women who do are "hysterical", for example.

I think it's sad you raised a considerate, empathetic child and you now want to dismantle that

That's exactly what I'm saying.

So I'm not sure why you think you might be unreasonable rather than your mad friend lol.

Can you elaborate on that?

We don't all go around actively expressing our anger. In fact society would be terrifying if we did.

Huffing and rolling your eyes is rude, its nice she apologises when she acts arsey.

You've got a well-behaved kid and its weird you want to change that

I see what you mean now. Yes she is very well behaved and I guess at times I have actually tried to change that. That’s because being so well behaved , sometimes comes to her own detriment.

She’s the kid who wouldn’t speak out on the carpet when someone was hurting her, because carpet time “was quiet time”. She’s the kid who wouldn’t cry or go to an adult when she got hurt on the playground. Unless someone saw or another child went to get help, she wouldn’t say a thing until she got home. She was the calm, quiet girl who got sat next to the disruptive boy who would break her things, stab her with his pencil , rub her leg and she never said a thing until she got home. She’s the kid who was more upset about adults talking to her and making a fuss when a classmate took a picture of her in the changing rooms. It all links together in my eyes and it’s all sides of a coin that makes her pretty vulnerable in my opinion. And yeah, I’m trying to change that.

ETA I know you didn’t know any of this, and your view makes sense without the background. The frustrating thing is my friend knows all of this and still seems to think the same as you.

That makes sense to me now and I totally see your point 🙏