Breaking down at work

[lostmyshine]

The last few weeks at work have been really hard.

I am a B7 in NHS and by default due to my 8B manager leaving, I was asked to attend a series of meetings as an “expert” for my area to support with a workforce consultation.

When the new 8B started, I was then asked to develop the paper. During this process, I received no support and it felt like I was the decision maker and being asked to agree the new structure with no senior governance or accountability.

At one meeting with HR, my manager said they lacked the headspace to attend, leaving me to continue to feel like I was owning the consultation. At no point had there been any input into the paper or structure.

The paper directly affects somebody I’ve had a close working relationship with for many years and it’s really affected my mental health.

When I flagged with HR how I felt I’d had little support and the impact it was having, I was told well you’re the expert. Then they asked when I wanted to launch and at that point I said I wasn’t signing off the paper as that shouldn’t sit with me as I’m then agreeing the structure which needs senior accountability and governance.

As the week progressed and as I had been for the past few weeks, I found I wasn’t sleeping, woke up having what I can only describe as a panic attack, crying for hours, pacing the house, feeling incredibly overwhelmed with severe anxiety. It got so bad that I ended up going sick as I felt so unsupported and the thought of going to a meeting where I was thrust into the position of owning it all became too much.

I was then told I’d have to lead 1:1s with union reps and sit opposite a close colleague feeling like I’m in the position of owning everything and making a decision on her future. At work on Friday, I literally broke down in front of another manager. I was hyperventilating and felt like I’d hit the bottom and it has broken me.

Elsewhere the 8Bs are managing and owning this for their areas as I have a friend who does my job elsewhere and said I shouldn’t have been left to write it.

I spoke to my manager Friday after the manager I spoke to seeing the impact, emailed HR and my manager and said I needed to be taken off and this decision making to sit elsewhere because of the impact it was having on me.

My manager agreed to take over, but SIL not settled. I feel like I had or I’m experiencing some kind of breakdown. My manager is expecting me in work tomorrow, but I don’t know what to do for the best.

Has anyone experienced something like this or felt broken by something that they are catastrophising the worst?

be kind

Get signed off sick again for a couple of months

OP don't go to work tomorrow. Go to the GP. You need more time.

I'm sorry you're struggling.

I just don’t want to look weak. OH thinks it’s over. I’ve been taken off but it’s all still whirling in my head.

I find thinking of my MH in physical health terms helps. If you pulled a muscle doing something physically challenging, you need to rest it for it to get better. Even when you've stopped doing the challenging thing, your muscle may need longer than you'd like to feel better. If your leg hurt every time you walked on it, you wouldn't be going for a run straight away. Your mental health is the same, but harder to see or explain. You need to take however long it takes to calm your nervous system and feel well again. If going to work at the minute is the equivalent of running on a bad leg, then take a few days off.

It may go against all your natural instincts and be hard to explain to others, but taking time to recover now will actually help you get better quicker and stay well for longer. If you keep pushing yourself to please others or meet the expectations you think they have of you, only you will suffer the effects of it.

I've been where you are and I hope you feel better soon (but try and be patient) xxx

I've been where you are and I hope you feel better soon (but try and be patient) xxx

how long until you felt ok and the noise turned off?

It sounds like you’ve been put in an incredibly difficult position without the senior support or accountability you needed. No wonder you’ve become overwhelmed. I wouldn’t force yourself back in tomorrow if you’re still feeling this distressed. Please speak to your GP and let your manager know honestly how you’re feeling. You can be very capable at your job and still reach a point where the pressure becomes too much. That doesn’t mean you’ve failed.

What does ‘SIL not settled’ mean? Have you now been taken off this project? Do you have other work?

Speak to your trade union rep and get signed off for a few weeks. You don’t sound well enough to be at work.

I think if you’re not able to do this and it made you so ill then get signed off, there is no shame in mental Illness and it should be treated like a physical one,

dint worry about appearing weak, you are not ready for that level of role. And that’s ok. They should not have assumed, but you do need to take some time off and try to calm your mind and body,

@lostmyshine
OP I am a top band 7 too and you should not be doing this at band 7.
This is band 8b stuff.
I am a team lead. I am instructing you, B7 to B7, do not go in to work tomorrow. Call in sick and say you will not be in for the week. Tell them the reason is mental health symptoms. You are under no obligation whatsoever to go in to any further detail about your symptoms. Do not allow them to press you for further information. Stick to saying it's for mental health reasons and do not elaborate at this point. Sign yourself off with self-cert for the week ahead.
Whilst you're off, do these things:

1. Contact your GP surgery tomorrow and request a mental health appointment. Tell the GP exactly what you have told us here about your symptoms. They will not need to know the deeper details of what is going on at work. Condense it by telling them it is extreme work stress. What the GP does need to know in detail is the clinical mental health symptoms you are experiencing. Tell them in detail, and tell them you are not fit for work and request a Med3. I know they will support this after they have listened to your symptoms.
2. Request a copy of your job description from your employer. Mark this as urgent.
3. Write a clear description of exactly what you are being asked to do at work. Send this, along with your job description, to your HR department with a covering letter requesting them to examine the disparity between your job description and what you are being asked to do.
4. Request an occupational health appointment from your employer. When you attend the appointment, tell them everything you have told us.
5. Contact the RCN (or whichever union you are with). Tell them everything and request support. Send them the same information you send to HR.
6. Contact your line manager with details of points 1 to 5. Literally bullet point the above plan to them.

Do points 2, 3, 4 and 6 by email so that there is a clear record of communication.

OP, you will get through this. The noise in your head will stop. Your symptoms will get better. But only if you look after yourself immediately. This is vital. You are in crisis right now.
I don't know how many years of experience you have, but I have been a band 7 for 23 years, with 7 years in band 5 and 6 prior to that. And I will tell you this. The NHS will bleed you dry if you let it. It will load more and more on to you and it will keep on doing this until you take action for it to stop.

Much love and solidarity to you.❤️