AIBU to want to reduce contact with my SIL?

[Laurita86]

Not sure if this thread title is accurate, but after 10 years of dealing with a very toxic SIL ive reached my limit and think its time to set firm boundaries. My husband jumps between agreeing with me and being supportive, to complete people pleasing her and avoiding her big reactions to mundane things. Its so frustrating.I am just so sick of the drama and disrespect I could write a book at this stage as to why I believe she is a covert narcissist but will leave a few examples here:
-She has had blazing rows with multiple family members including my husband, her eldery mother openly admits she is fearful of her.
-my first interaction with her, it was my 6th date with my husband and I bought us tickets to a show. She had casually offered my husband a possibility of free tickets weeks previously for both of them, where he expressed a vague interest. When she rang offering them, he politely declined saying I had already purchased us tickets as a date. He then rang me to say he would have to go with her as she was "screaming crying down the phone calling him a selfish prick". I told him how childish it was but as i didnt know her(or him) that well, i suggested he sit with her and I went with his friend(we had a great time). I thought il keep the peace rather than be a diva about it. After the show when I met them at the bar, I realised she had been sitting with her boyfriend and my now husband leaving me with the random friend! I felt like such a fool. I then got told in the toilets "had she known i wanted to go she couldve gotten me a free ticket"(total lie-my husband asked could I sit them them and get a 4th ticket for me and she said no). Anyway, that was my first impression and cards were marked since then.
-She made a comment afterwards to my husband that "i look sooo different" in real life to pictures he had shown her of me. Very bitchy thing to say IMO.
-When we had our first baby, she had hers a month previous. She tends to be very intrusive and over steps her mark so I thought great! She will be too busy with her own bubs to bother us. How wrong I was. My husband consistently got messages during paternity leave suggesting the two of them go for walks with their babies. I was struggling physically and emotionally and felt like she was really trying to isolate me out of the newborn experience with the two of them. He also found it odd and never took her up on it.
-I was breastfeeding, and she would text him saying that my baby would be fine to visit her house for at least two hours with just him once she was fed(as in leave me and boobs at home!) I was enraged and very upset as a new and anxious mother. The suggestions to visit with baba solo to her house/my in laws continued number of months. My husband would just ignore or make a joke out of it when I really wished he would have called her out on her comments.
-One night she had a blazing row with another family member who claimed that my husband agreed with his opiniom of her(that she was a bully, in need of psychological help etc). She demanded to visit my house and confront him, and while she was there complained about me, how I didnt attend her sons christening(I was working and she changed the date last minute) how i didnt invite her to my hen party(it was peak covid with nothing open so i had immediate family only at my house for dinner and nothing else, but I wouldnt have invited her anyway). Anyway bottom line I was furious that I was dragged into her drama and discussed like that in my own home on my first night out since having my daughter. If it was the other way around, I wouldve told my sibling to leave if they disrespected my husband like that. Since then I cant make small talk, I just say pleasant hello and dont even get eye contact back. Iv decided lately that I would stop even saying hello as the rudeness in on another level. Anyway I could give 100 other examples, but yesterday it was my sons birthdah party where he asked to bring all of the boys in his class. My husband wanted to hring her kids even though they are not friendly and only see each other 3/4 times a year. Again i know it was out of fear of her reaction if they didnt invite. I gave in, but during the whole party I felt very uncomfortable by her presence. She was very overbearing and loud, stuck to my husband, offering drinks and snacks to all the kids she didnt know. I know it sounds silly, but I really wanted to be the host of my own childs party but she completely took over. My husband praised her how helpful she was I said she was so overbearing! Like I said he only sees what shes really like some of the time.Also completely ignored me for the whole occasion and didnt ask me shall I give out drinks etc just took over. I have decided now i dont want to see her or her kids at any parties-the children arent friendly and she doesnt respect or even acknowledge me at gatherings. AIBU to tell my husband I/we ned firmer boundaries with her?

We're sorry to hear how tricky things are with your SIL - we're just popping our head in to bump this for you.

I’m usually in favour of maintaining peace as much as possible with in laws for the sake of family harmony but your SIL sounds like a complete cow who adds nothing but hassle to your life. I couldn’t be arsed with it personally and would tell husband he’s welcome to uphold his relationship with his sister but I don’t want anything to do with her anymore, and that includes having her in your home.

I struggled a bit with how long that was, especially with no paragraphs (I’m on the app so it may have removed your paragraphs) but I read the start and end of it. YANBU to see her less, cutting off your nieces and nephews is a bit more complicated when they’re family but as long as your don’t obstruct your husbands or kids relationships with them it’s up to you.

My husband and I have been married for decades and it took us quite a while to realize that stronger boundaries were necessary to prevent other people from causing us too much grief. Our "rules":

1. Either of us always takes priority over anyone outside of our relationship. (Obviously, this assumes reasonableness and common sense on both our parts). It would mean that a SIL who has repeatedly disrespected you and tried to drive a wedge between the two of you would be cut off, or at least kept at whatever distance you'd be okay with.

2. We each are the primary, and possibly only, contact for the problem people we're closest to. That means that he would be the one to directly deal with his sister, though of course how you manage her would have been decided behind the scenes by the two of you together. In my experience, problems tend to grow with the number of people who are allowed to get involved. And it keeps it all simpler and more limited when only the partner who is closest to whoever is causing a problem deals with them. Damage control would also include him not talking about it with his other relatives etc.

These changes have done wonders for us through the years.

Since when do MN 'bump' random posts after 25 mins?

I was wondering this too!

Yes, how strange.

Never seen this in the almost 16 years I’ve been a member.

She’s done it three times today. All 8 posts in October have been bumping posts after a short time.

There used to be a section to click on with unanswered posts but I can’t find it.

And @FlissMumsnet of all the interventions you could do on this website I rather think there are a few more important ones elsewhere aren’t there? The racist, ageist, disabling, sexist, the bullying, snide etc ones?

And yesterday I think. The one who promised her friend she’d pay for IVF without taking to her DH. The post had only been up 10 mins and op had posted in pregnancy and chat

I'm still trying to work out how the friend that the OP took to the theatre was, in her words, "random". A friend by definition is not some person you chose at random to drag in off the street!
But then I have that kind of brain . . . .

YANBU OP, she sounds nuts and anyone who won’t even acknowledge you in your own home shouldn’t be in your home.

You can conduct your relationship with her however you want, but your DH doesn't have to go along with it and it's up to him if he takes your children with him. In the future it will mean that you aren't invited to things and if his parents invite them for Easter/Birthdays etc, you'll miss out on things. Your DH is the person that you need to talk this through with. Come next year is he prepared to exclude her and her children? Personally I'd be challenging her.

My observations are firstly that she's jealous of you. You've taken her (baby?) brother away from her and she doesn't like it. So she's doing everything she can to claim him for herself at every opportunity. I also wonder if by dissing you so much, she's actually trying to get you to leave him to get away from her and she can have him back.

Secondly he's people pleasing her at your expense. That's because he's far more afarid of upsetting her than he is of upsetting you. And you've enabled that by not going nuclear at him. He wanted to invite her kids to the party. You say Again i know it was out of fear of her reaction if they didnt invite. But you follow that up with I gave in.

You haven't said whether you've sat him down and really, really spelled out to him how it's affecting you, that you expect more support from him and reminding him that you're his wife. If you haven't then you need to, pronto. And if you have, what was his reaction?

Stop letting things go, trying not to rock the boat. You need to rock it so hard that it makes him sea-sick. And if he doesn't recognise that you're serious, then yes, maybe it will be time to tell him to go back to his precious sister.

I think she sounds like she is no doubt a difficult character but I do think you’re unreasonable about several of these posts being the (presumably) worst examples of behaviour. I don’t think it’s at all unreasonable or unusual for a sibling to want to go for a walk with their sibling and their 2 newborn children. I don’t see that as isolating you. Nor to want him to visit with the baby. And helping at the party, especially when she didn’t know the other parents so wouldn’t have people to chat with, sounds normal too. You just don’t like her so these things have rubbed you up the wrong way when they are actually ok and normal. The ticket thing sounds like something your now husband could have easily avoided and I would be more annoyed with him than her.

agree with this.

odd behaviour @FlissMumsnet

perhaps @mnhq can give guidance for bumping?

It'll be harder now she's been allowed to get away with her princessing for so long, but you could try just being really clear with her about her behaviour, and saying that for your brother and MIL's sake, you're willing to give things one more go, but from now on...and explain no rudeness/ignoring you/arguing with what you've said at your own house etc.
Things like giving out food and talking to the other kids I'd let go, as she might actually have been trying to help, and tbf, a lot of parents at my kids' parties have done that, whether they know me well or not.

While I agree she sounds annoying, you decided after the first meeting you don’t like her and then everything she has done since you immediately see as negative. Personally don’t see anything wrong with your DH going on a short walk with her a couple of times when on leave it would have given you a break? Re the party sounds like the cousins aren’t getting the opportunity to get to know each other which is sad so maybe a good thing she came. I get she isn’t your cup of tea but sounds like she was helpful so you could enjoy your child’s party which I would’ve appreciated.

You don't have to have any involvement with her but you have no right to dictate and control your husband to meet your demands

We know you don't like her its clear but leave him to his relationship with her it os none of your business

I think you both sound as difficult and awkward as each other if I'm honest.

She’s not your sister so it should be easy to go no contact if you don’t like her.
but you didn’t like that either!
when she went with a walk with her brother and their children - which I’m sorry but I can’t see what is wrong with that - you thought she was trying to isolate you. I’m not really sure what it is that you want. You can’t simultaneously not want to see her, but then say she’s excluding you if she sees her brother alone.

There are a couple of things that stand out to me. First of all, when I had a newborn, my mum would come over and when I had fed the baby she would take her out for a walk in the pram so she would sleep and I could chill at home and get some rest. Could it not have been the case that SIL thought it was a nice thing to suggest that her and your DH take their babies out for a walk and you get to chill at home?

secondly, she brought your son’s cousins to his birthday party and helped rather than drop them or stand around. She didn’t talk to you but then you say you are on the point of no contact with her, so it’s maybe not a surprise. You say it was overbearing but your husband thought it was helpful so her behaviour was open to interpretation rather than being obviously one or the other.

also, you can go no contact but you can’t dictate that your husband does, so just be prepared to be left out even more if you do.

Sorry OP but you have a DH problem. He sounds like a wimp! The time for you to walk away would have been at the 6th date when he showed you that not only is his sister a controlling drama queen but that he'll capitulate to her bullying!

All you can do now is be firm that if he wants to see her, he can go on his own. If he invites her to your home, go out. She is his sister and he is unlikely to cease all contact with her.

OP. Everyone will have a differing opinion on how to tackle this, due to different family dynamics (and we all come with built in bias…no matter what people say).

I have a cursory relationship with my SILs. I don’t text them directly, that is my spouses ‘job’ and equally I have the same job on my side.
I’ve fully stopped hosting, as it was never reciprocated. I do what I feel is right for my family (spouse, children) and if that puts noses out of joint, so be it!

Don’t Get sucked into her orbit. Be ambivalent.