Would you be wary of this mum?

[Doubletroublees]

I probably am overthinking a bit but my gut is telling me to be careful. Can others advise me:

Everytime I speak to this school mum (let’s call her Anne) she remembers everything and uses it to benefit her for example I once said I’m seeing my Aunty in shopping centre as she works in X store. Next thing I know she’s in the store a week later and messages me if her aunt is working on the Saturday and would be willing to use employee discount. For her! For context I have never asked my aunt for her employee discount for MYSELF let alone a random school mum! I apologised and explained no I wouldn’t feel comfortable doing that. In all honesty I didn’t even realise the staff in the store get family and friends discount! Even if I did I wouldn’t ask her

Another time we were talking about what we did pre kids and I told her name of company I worked for where I met DH. She emailed the company and explained she knows me and whether there are jobs going. I asked a mutual friend if this was weird and she said no definitely not as all she’s doing is networking and nothing wrong with that.

Most recent example which is kind of annoying me not just with her but the others involved - I arranged a lunch meet up with this friend plus 2 others I recently made friends with. The other 2 cancelled last minute due to a diary mix up it was all okay I didn’t mind. So I went to lunch with Anne and we always have a nice time as she’s funny and outgoing. The day after she arranges a drink with the other 2 mums that she has never met! Then messages me last minute to tell me. I didn’t actually read the message till the event was nearly finished. She is very outgoing whereas I’m introverted. The thing is the other 2 mums didn’t bother telling me about this plan either. I introduced Anne in text message to the other 2 that’s how they got each others numbers as I created a WhatsApp for the meet up but it seems like Anne messaged them both directly and intentionally leaving me out as she could have messaged in the same group chat.

Do i need to be careful? It’s just been casual hi and bye at the gate for 2 years then last year it’s been that we’re actually friends.

She’s someone you need to avoid. My friend Mrs X had a friend like this Mrs Z who always called Mrs X friends for meet ups including me. My friend didn’t care as they were very close friends. But Mrs X was very extrovert and going through a divorce so I suppose wanted to create a new life. I found Mrs Z a bit too much in the end so had to extricate myself from her eventually. Also it gets messy when your DC friendships get played around with
which happened in my case. I found Mrs Z exhausting.

Sorry you're lonely OP.

She was very cheeky to ask for discount and emailing the company and mentioning you is quite presumptuous; it sounds like she would be expecting you to give her a good reference, which is unfair not to ask you first.
Fair enough if she was still keen to meet your friends if she liked the sound of them, but very strange to only extend a last minute invite to you.

I think she is trying to use you as a stepping stone. But I imagine she does the same to a lot of people, so don't take it personally.

To be honest, in your shoes, I'd just do the same in a less cheeky fashion. If she talks about other friends who sound like your cup of tea, suggest she arranges a meet up for you all so you can meet them - you might gain some new friends! Keep including her in meet ups with other potential friends if you think she makes the conversation flow more easily. Essentially - two can play at that game!

Just hold your boundaries around things like the discount situation. Tell her if things aren't comfortable or don't suit you.

Sometimes with friends, the easiest way to meet more is not to come across as lonely or desperate and having this woman as a friend might help you with that aspect.

I hope you can build a small circle of genuinely nice women soon!

Just arrange to meet other friends and don’t include her for now as she seems hellbent in stealing everyone who knows you atm

They may have assumed you were also going to be there

Step back from the friendship. It's almost like she wants to mirror your life! Keep any interactions brief and don't give any personal information away at all. Without information, she can't muscle in, which is what she's currently trying to do. Who arrangements to meet up with your two friends, who's she's never met, without you there! Contacting the company you worked for is even weirder, so ask about job vacancies is even weirder! I find her behaviour a little stalkerish to be honest.

"So I went to lunch with Anne and we always have a nice time as she’s funny and outgoing. The day after she arranges a drink with the other 2 mums that she has never met!"

She sounds like a very plausible person who knows how to charm people. I think you're right to be wary. Especially if she's noted you as someone who'd be more open than most to a new friendship. And then using that friendship for her own ends, financial, social, emotional or whatever.

I don't think this is being paranoid. Such people are not unheard of, and the warning signs are there already. Hi and Bye is the ultimate goal. But do it gradually, because people like this can't stand feeling they've been outplayed. Just act as if it's a relationship that's run its course and you've both lost interest - or she'll catch on and turn on the emotional blackmail.

She sounds odd and manipulative and competitive. And a user. She’s trying your contacts for everything from discounts, to jobs to a social life.

Just avoid telling her stuff. I’d be very careful and discreet around her. She could be gossiping as well. Using personal information to ingratiate herself with others.

I've got a friend who's pushy like this and we've had to learn to keep things secret. Dd found herself some work experience in an optician. When friend heard she turned up at the same place to try and get her son in. The thing is dd wanted to do it independently. He didn't get offered a place, possibly because they preferred young people who enquired themselves rather than the mum doing it.

They obviously thought you were going to be there as well. They must have thought it really weird that you weren't ! Anne sounds unhinged and without boundaries. She's intruding everywhere in your life. Stay away from her because next thing you know she'll be hitting on your dh/bf. People like that eat you alive.

Steer clear. She's a troublemaker and manipulator. Ad will act all wide eyed and innocent if you ever challdnge her about her behaviour.

Did they know the full plan? In this situation, I would have asked the organiser "is X joining us as well?" rather than messaging you directly, unless we were really good friends.
Tbh I assume one of them did this, and that's why she invited you at all!

Everything you said is super weird and feels toxic. I would stay away from her outside of school social events.
However I wouldn't openly confront her and keep a friendly face as I have a feeling she might be quite manipulative if she turns on you as well.

So I went to lunch with Anne and we always have a nice time as she’s funny and outgoing.

Usually, not always, the funny and outgoing types are not very thoughtful. She didn’t think much and made a plan with them. She didn’t think how it may come across to you. She met you day before and then thought she wanted to meet other two too. It seems to me she invited you later thinking you might be offended.

I'd be concerned that she is going to try to "Wendy" you - basically replace you in your own life and then kick you out of it and take your place.
Do not introduce her to your husband...

Are you lonely enough for the downside to be worth it to you?
Because you can't keep up a friendship with her then complain about how she looks for the advantage to her in every interaction, every piece of information you share and ultimately, everything she can get out of you..

That will be the price you pay for her friendship. Are you willing to pay it?

She oversteps normal boundaries and is intrusive.

1. Asking to use aunts discount - aunt could face a disciplinary if she lets you use it, let alone anyone else. Very cheeky.
2. Friend meet -up - perhaps other friends assumed you were going as well. That’s weird to contact two people you’ve never met and arrange coffee. Almost creepy.
3. Job hunt - again odd. She could just ask about jobs without namedropping.

It’s almost stalkerish how she is inserting herself into your friendship groups, workplaces and using your relative. I’d pull back. I’ve never had of those examples happen to me.

Take what you want from the friendship, just bear in mind she’s nutso

They probably thought you knew about it.

I don’t know if it’s a Russian thing. But I also had a very pushy Russian and an aggressive networker. She also didn’t mind flirting her way through with her. But she said she spent her childhood in difficult socialist country with not much and it made her strong. I couldn’t take her self centred ways and lack of respect for people, so we are no longer friends.

Very alarming. I have an ex friend who tried to make my friends hers by deliberately trying to arrange meet ups while I was at work, and ringing my DH for deep and meaningful conversations and pretending he’d phoned her. She is now an ex friend because his best friend rejected her advances and she bizarrely accused my DH of something quite serious in revenge

But you have already given her 2 chances before. So trust your gut feelings this time.

She sees you as a resource, not a friend. Forget about her.

Reminds me of the film "Single White Female"!

Give her a couple of years and she will move on to another friend.

That’s not how most people behave.

Yes 💯
They are not acting like friends.

There's a good chance she realises this and is using it to try to get benefits out of you.