DH and burial/funeral wishes

[Mamma19293839]

DH and I are drawing up wills and letters of wishes. I said I wanted a simple burial, no funeral or ceremony. We have a very small handful of friends and family, have moved around a lot so no community. I don’t want music or poems - I’ve become very unsentimental about such things. I’m thinking mainly of my DS who is ND and wouldn’t be able to sit through a ceremony for more than a minute and how for him it’s better to play it by ear and allow him a simple goodbye. If DS was pushed to do more then it could be very upsetting for him - if it was tomorrow he’d probably become overwhelmed and want to leave and DH would be the only one who could leave with him and it just makes a difficult event worse. I think as with many things when pushing DS,
it’s best to keep expectations low.

This has really upset DH who says a funeral and ceremony is for the living and I should be thinking about more than DS (I should be thinking of DH of course and I have a a younger DD too). I know what he’s getting at but I’m just trying to be realistic, plus I’m frustrated at how emotional DH is being over this scenario that I don’t expect to play out for many decades. He probably thinks I’m being very cold.

I’ll probably add to the letter of wishes that it’s fine if people want to say some informal
words. And that in the event that both DH and I go at the same time to defer to his letter of wishes for a joint burial.

I’m curious what others think. I don’t think my ask is that unreasonable and that a burial doesn’t need to follow some format and it can be whatever you want it to be.

I think a compromise would be to have a very short graveside service where your DH could say some words and hopefully your DS wouldn't get overwhelmed. Would he be ok with that?

This reminds me of the glass child thread. You are putting your son's needs ahead of those of your DH and DD. Because he can't sit through a funeral.

Well if the worst happened, then he just doesn't go to the funeral that his father, and probably his sister, will go to

You can't deprive everyone else grieving your loss, of what night comfort them.

My dh and I are both on the same page with this - week feel funerals are a waste of time and prolong the grieving process. Both of us are opting for direct to cremation deals.

But equally I agree they are for the living and I couldn't be bothered to care if my dh said he wanted a funeral for me - im hardly going to turn in my grave my soul will be flying free.

I think funerals will slowly die out tbh. As peoples circles become smaller though moving away, less children and thus less cousins and such, switching jobs regularly. People won’t have built up a large gathering and a funeral of 10 is well unless what the dead wanted a woeful turn out.

Im all for direct cremation or donating one’s body.

I think actual burials in this day and age are rather selfish knowing about land space.

Funerals are for the sake of the living. If your husband would find it helpful then that’s what matters.

I agree with the husband. Once you are dead, you are dead. It doesn't affect you anymore. It is up to the one left behind to work out how they want to grieve and how the son is handling the death. I think it's pretty selfish to start laying down rules when it will have zero impact on you.

Why are you trying to dictate what kind of funeral your husband has, to accommodate your son? How do you actually know who is going to die first?

There are other options, eg a woodland burial which may be a good compromise. Also you are making assumptions about how your son will react, it hopefully won’t be soon

Your son doesn’t have to go to any funeral either. You don’t need to make it so he can tolerate it.

You sound a bit depressed. Sorry to say that. I hope you are alright.

Funerals are for the living, I dont think you cant dictate your own funeral.

Personally I think a funeral is an important ritual in the grieving process – for most people, that is, perhaps not for you. Maybe your DS doesn’t have to attend. I agree that funerals are for the living.

I have informed my DH and children that I have already sent off my forms to have my body donated to science. I had mixed reactions, partly because they felt there should be some kind of send off. I have said they can do whatever they want as long as there is no religion and no naff music! I have also left alternative plans in case my body cannot be donated (if an autopsy is required) music, a poem etc. My wishes have been clearly documented and witnessed.

I agree with your dh, funeral is for the living, you'd be dead so does it really matter to you that much? If your dh would like to have a funeral to say goodbye and achieve some sort of closure I don't think that's unreasonable. It can be an important part of the grieving process for many people.
Your ds doesn't have to attend if he doesn't want to, there doesn't need to be any expectations on him. He may appreciate the choice, as would your dd I'm sure.

I don't find it surprising that he's emotional about the situation, you're discussing what would happen if you died which is obviously a very upsetting thought!

This. Apart from anything else, even adult children and grandchildren don't always attend a funeral - for various reasons.

My DH's kids decided not to risk their health during my husband's lockdown funeral. I'd have been very upset if this had led to a demand that I not hold a funeral for him.

I mean I also get some comfort about the idea of me dying prematurely by planning the kind of burial I’d like and what would be best for DS. DD is too young to have preferences. I’m not convinced that DH will have DS’ best interests at heart - I think he’ll want to push him through a ceremony because DH wants it and it will be traumatic for DS. I think it’s better to have it written down that it should be minimalist and should be led by what the children need, and I suspect for them less is more.

Recently… I have had several bereavements in my family. 3 out of 4 chose direct cremation and in those 3 cases I would say their spouse/children have really struggled with overwhelming grief and there has been no “ending” to the journey.

You’re putting your son’s needs above everyone else’s.

Ultimately it’s your death and your decision about what you want to happen but don’t base all decisions around your son.

If he doesn’t want to attend something, he doesn’t have to but why deny everyone else the chance to say goodbye at a proper funeral because of him?

I agree funerals are for the living and an important part of grieving. I cannot imagine dictating how my family should grieve. I understand your ds might struggle so discuss that - make sure he knows you want him to do whatever works for him and there’s no expectation from you.

For those saying I’m trying to dictate or set down rules, it’s a letter of WISHES.

It sounds like there is a major communication issue between yourself and your DH and this is highlighting it. Does one or both of you have autism also?

You sound distant from your DH's feelings OP. Perhaps trying to make things OK for DS is taking a toll on you. They may need to find a way to say goodbye whenever it happens.

You can tell your son (or someone else) that your son doesn’t have to attend the funeral at all and make sure that option is open to him.

I really think you should step
back from trying to control your own funeral. It is a ridiculous thing to be arguing with your husband about. Let him do what he wants if he’s still alive, chances are your DS will be organising it.

I have an absolute fear of being buried alive. I hate the thought of being in a coffin. So I hope to arrange a cardboard coffin and would like a woodland burial plot and no funeral.. If I can arrange this before I die I'm sure my son will be fine with going along with it. If I don't prearrange it he will probably arrange whatever he thinks fit and which he can cope with. I wouldn't even think about writing anything formally down stating my wishes.
That's the thing OP isn't it? Once you are gone it will no longer matter a jot to you what happens. And really it is up to those that are left that loved you to decide the best way to deal with things.

This is exactly what is in my letter of wishes. A quiet peaceful burial. Family can say whatever they want at the time. I just don’t want a prescribed order to things. I want DS to feel he can attend if he wants to and be comfortable. His ND is complex. He understands death but if someone asked what music he wanted at a funeral he’d pick his favourite cartoons. (I don’t mind this) but any music he’s not used to would upset him.