AIBU to not encourage a friendship because parents are CFs.

[Icecreamandcoffee]

DD (5) made a new friend last year in the summer term, let's call her Jane. We have just entered the era of unaccompanied playdates last summer. Summer holidays come round and DDs new friends mum messages about her DD coming for a playdate. I say yes that's fine. Playdate was supposed to only be a couple of hours but the night before I got a text from the mum asking for playdate to start at 9 as Dad was dropping off, then a text later saying she would collect but she was working till 3 so could she collect at 4? It was too late to really cancel it as DD was very excited. I did not agree to any other playdates for the rest of the summer and claimed we were busy. As it happened we ran into Jane having playdates at several other people's houses at various free and cheap activities going on during the summer. It seems Jane's mum and dad pretty much went round the whole class asking for playdates, then pretty much changed the times to 9-4 so neither had to use AL. It became a bit of a discussion between a lot of mums by the end of the summer holidays as quite a few mums felt very used - there are quite a few of us in DDs class on Maternity leave or have only just started going back to work so are not back working full hours yet (me included).

Anyway, since September when DD went into yr1 the friendship has drifted. They are sat on different tables it seems and DD has become closer to other friends. Earlier this week Jane's mum posted in the class Whatsapp about anyone wanting to do playdates over the holidays? She's had no takers. Those who responded have mentioned they are very busy over the holidays so will struggle to do a playdate, us included. We are genuinely busy catching up with friends, family and DD has a dance show at the end of November with a couple of rehearsals in the next few weekends.

Last night I got a text from Jane's mum asking if there was any possibility of a playdate at all in the holidays and that Jane misses DD since they are in different tables. DD isn't really bothered about Jane, also the last playdate they had in the summer was really hard work as it was 9-4 and they got fed up of each other and bickered. I'm kind of glad that the friendship has fizzled back a bit as it makes saying no to what are essentially cf childcare playdates easier as DD isn't good friends with Jane.

AIBU to let this fizzle out and not help. I have enough on with 2 small DC and don't want to be childcare for someone who cba to take AL and won't reciprocate a playdate and will effectively lie the night before to cover their working hours.

Maybe they are, so they should refuse offers rather than take advantage of the hospitality of others. Or they could take a child out somewhere etc as reciprocation. Or talk to the other parent about it!

DS has a friend, we invited over for tea, mum reluctantly agreed. We invited them one Saturday and they refused, we tried again a few weeks later. Eventually mum explained they'd recently been made homeless due to the landlord selling up and had moved in with grandma, but it was all very cramped and they couldn't have people over. Rent in our area is extortionate and I know both parents work in a local supermarket (so clearly not earning Megabucks) so the situation is unlikely to change for a while. Long story short, he comes over semi regularly with absolutely no expectations of reciprocation, but mum isn't a CF, because she spoke to me and explained the situation and was embarrassed about being unable to reciprocate to the point she was refusing.

if she misses your dd then say - yes indeed you owe me a play date - shall I drop of at 9am and pick up at 4 pm what day do you suggest for this play date at yours to repay the hospitality I showed in the summer, that is very kind to remember?

I just feel sorry for Jane, who's not going to get any 'real' playdates given how her parents are carrying on. It's really sad.

I was just thinking the exact same thing. I hope Jane doesn't think the other kids don't like her! I don't understand all this fannying about, just be direct with the mum and say they can have a play date but at her house as it's her turn!

I had something like this when DC was about 7. The mum asked me if my child was free for a play date on a set date and I said yes. CF mum then said “Great! I’ll drop DC off at 9.30.”

She was off to a conference and her DH was working from home. I had the child but never had her again. And of course the play date was never reciprocated

If she’d have asked if I could help out I’d have said yes, but because she manipulated me, I would never have her child again.

OP, hold fast and don’t feel guilty. This woman is a dishonest user and does not deserve your kindness.

oh I know sil is a super cf. i hated that she would tell the kids that and hope we wouldnt be able to say no to them actually can't deal with her at all anymore after all she has done over the years. she packed all her kids off to boarding school for secondary school. one where they only came home every third weekend so she didn't have to deal them
I actually managed to intervene a couple of times - she would text late in eve and my husband phone would be left by bed charging or left on counter ( this was about 15 years ago before smart phones were popular ) I see it and go in and delete the text 🙈 she then ring in morning and ask but it be too late we would be gone off somewhere

I’d say, sounds great, shall I drop her to yours at 9am? 😂

I usually don't bother telling problem people off. I'd rather just get rid of them (say no, don't reply or block). Your DD not especially wanting the other kid's company makes this situation easier.

I wouldn't send my child to the other child's house anyway, even if it was offered. I doubt you'd want to leave her with parents who seem that shady and irresponsible.

It's a shame for their child, though. Hopefully, she'll find one of those neighborhood mother hen moms, someone who has the time and energy to semi-adopt an extra one.

I'd say they were thrilled silly with themselves that they managed to con childcare out of everyone last term. There's some testy conversations about who should and shouldn't be taking annual leave happening around now!!

How sad for their little girl to be thrown around like this. Ruining her potential for any lasting friendships through their own selfishness. They could easily use annual leave for at least some of these half-term holidays. I took a summer holidays off one year with unpaid leave due to not having childcare. I wouldn't even dream of sending my children to someone so clearly careless and irresponsible.

And yes, she's obviously a CF, both of the parents are. You're all right to be pissed off at being used in this way, continue with the non-engagement until she gets the message. It may well be the case that there are various circumstances surrounding this, but regardless of what they are she is dead wrong going about it like this, above all else due to the impact on her daughter.

It’s entirely her own fault. What she should have been was upfront needing help and in return reciprocated on weekends.
I’m glad I’m past primary as it was full of parents who wanted people to take their children, never had yours and acted like they were doing you a favour.

Hi op I think it’s good your dd isn’t too friendly with jane. I would message the mum and say unfortunately you can’t arrange play dates as a whole day is too much for both you and dd. It’s not jane’s fault but her mum needs to learn that her dd is more important than work and at such a young age she is prioritising herself over her kid and now she has basically burnt all the bridges with school mums. No one likes a cheeky fucker.

Ignore her message, you do not need to explain to her how you spend your time.

I am slightly baffled that you all previously agreed to 9-4 play dates! Surely the penny dropped that you were providing free childcare/ free meals for the day. They must have been congratulating themselves on how clever they were!

Absolutely this!

I feel for poor Jane, wondering why no one wants to have playdates with her any longer. Totally the parents fault for using playdates as childcare. They've got a long way to go before Jane will be old enough to stay on her own during the holidays, so it would be better for the parents to resolve their childcare issues now.

I would say 'I'm afraid, as I originally said, we will be busy over half-term, and therefore won't be able to fit in a playdate'.

You’re NBU for not wanting long playdates, and especially because she lied about needing help with childcare!

It’s funny to me because my kids did their first year of schooling in London, where I grew up, and nobody really helped each other with childcare. I just assumed that was normal!
We then moved our family to Australia, and the difference has been incredible. My kids are now in primary school here, and there’s such a lovely sense of community. Everyone helps each other out, particularly during the school holidays. We’re all very open about the fact that sometimes playdates are just as much about helping parents with childcare as they are about the kids having fun!

For example, this weekend a friend texted asking if her son could come over because she needed to get some gardening done. Of course I said yes! Later that day, after her son had gone home, I unexpectedly needed to go to hospital, so I texted asking if I could drop my boys at hers. She immediately said yes.
That’s how it should work, in my opinion. It’s a community, and we all help each other out. But the key is that it’s give and take, not one-sided, and nobody needs to lie about why they’re asking for help!

I would call police that children were abandoned.at my doorstep.

I think I’d just be honest with her:

”Thing is Sally, you’re not after a play date, you want someone to look after Jane for the day whilst you and your husband work. I’m afraid I have enough on my plate and so unable to provide free childcare for others. Have you thought about booking Jane into a holiday club? Or maybe if you’re just honest on the group chat and say you’re struggling for childcare, you might get others who are interested in a reciprocal arrangement. Hope you manage to sort something out.”