AIBU to not encourage a friendship because parents are CFs.

[Icecreamandcoffee]

DD (5) made a new friend last year in the summer term, let's call her Jane. We have just entered the era of unaccompanied playdates last summer. Summer holidays come round and DDs new friends mum messages about her DD coming for a playdate. I say yes that's fine. Playdate was supposed to only be a couple of hours but the night before I got a text from the mum asking for playdate to start at 9 as Dad was dropping off, then a text later saying she would collect but she was working till 3 so could she collect at 4? It was too late to really cancel it as DD was very excited. I did not agree to any other playdates for the rest of the summer and claimed we were busy. As it happened we ran into Jane having playdates at several other people's houses at various free and cheap activities going on during the summer. It seems Jane's mum and dad pretty much went round the whole class asking for playdates, then pretty much changed the times to 9-4 so neither had to use AL. It became a bit of a discussion between a lot of mums by the end of the summer holidays as quite a few mums felt very used - there are quite a few of us in DDs class on Maternity leave or have only just started going back to work so are not back working full hours yet (me included).

Anyway, since September when DD went into yr1 the friendship has drifted. They are sat on different tables it seems and DD has become closer to other friends. Earlier this week Jane's mum posted in the class Whatsapp about anyone wanting to do playdates over the holidays? She's had no takers. Those who responded have mentioned they are very busy over the holidays so will struggle to do a playdate, us included. We are genuinely busy catching up with friends, family and DD has a dance show at the end of November with a couple of rehearsals in the next few weekends.

Last night I got a text from Jane's mum asking if there was any possibility of a playdate at all in the holidays and that Jane misses DD since they are in different tables. DD isn't really bothered about Jane, also the last playdate they had in the summer was really hard work as it was 9-4 and they got fed up of each other and bickered. I'm kind of glad that the friendship has fizzled back a bit as it makes saying no to what are essentially cf childcare playdates easier as DD isn't good friends with Jane.

AIBU to let this fizzle out and not help. I have enough on with 2 small DC and don't want to be childcare for someone who cba to take AL and won't reciprocate a playdate and will effectively lie the night before to cover their working hours.

Just don’t reply, or say you’re busy.

Huu in Weber tempting it us today you can drop Dd at Jane’s, I wouldn’t because then she’ll mine you’re available then, unless you fabricate an eye appointment, visiting elderly relative etc which means you can’t look after Jane.

In your case op definitely a CF. I wonder lf some mums not reciprocal are embarrassed of their homes?

You could say that everyone’s clocked on to what she’s doing 😆

3 hrs tops for me when mine were young. They do get tired of each other if it’s too long.

As someone who had the experience of This EXACT type of mother, I would steer clear of her and her child. It rubs off on children. I have known one of my dc friends to become just like his CF mother too. This woman sounds exactly like the one I know. Right down to the timing of the play dates.

This isn't playdates, its childminding.

I would just say "Sorry, I'm afraid not" and leave it at that. If she comes back then explain you aren't providing free childcare

Just say you’re busy and don’t get into any further discussion about it.

If they don’t want to take annual leave then they need to set up an ongoing arrangement with a paid childminder. Five year olds are hard work and asking near strangers to host your young child for 8 hours a day is taking the piss. Especially when they are, as you say, at an age where they tire of eachother after a couple of hours and the parent has to intervene in bickering for the rest of the day.

They need to find some paid childcare or take annual leave. What pisstakers.

Is it half term for you starting Monday, @Icecreamandcoffee?

Hi CF, I’m afraid we can’t help with Jane, maybe have a look at holiday club options if you’re working all through?

Why is no one saying anything? I had pretty much the same thing and I said “A play date is a couple of hours, a whole day is childcare. Which are you asking me for because I’m not available for your childcare and you seem to change a play date into an all day thing at the last minute, which I won’t agree to this time so if you need all day childcare then please make other plans.” Being direct worked.

Good one what was the response to that ?

Are you sure they have jobs with annual leave and can afford to take time off if they don’t? Or if they have the money for childcare.
being poor is embarassing. It’s cheeky as fuck what she did but she might not have much choice

Poor Jane but poor Jane because her mother is a CF. They're not friends, that has passed, possibly because of them squabbling on the overextend play date. You could always agree to meet soft play mum and said happy for you to join us Jane's mum if you can finish early one day and bring her

I'd send her a list of links to holiday clubs.
Fair play to her though, it takes some brass neck to be that cheeky.

At age 5 I always assumed a playdate included a parent. No way would I be dropping a kid at an unknown house.
But anyway, no. Id only do one with specified times after that. Feel sorry for the kid.

Is the house unknown? Thought op sald they'd been friends for awhile, I'm assuming know the parents.

Came here to say this but you said it first and better!

@Shinyandnew1 yes half term starts for us on Monday. Its obviously getting desperate as she's now directly messaging people asking for days.

@interestedandsol whilst they may be desperate pretty much using everyone through the summer using what I can gather is pretty much the same script has put people's (including mine) backs up.

Whilst I would love to message about her having my DD, I really don't want to open a discussion with her about playdates and I know she will suddenly want to change venue and times to mine and all day. I'm going with grey wall, we are busy and not elaborating.

@MatildaTheCat holiday clubs are thin on the ground, especially if you need anything longer than 10-2. The one holiday club that takes children 5+ 8am-6pm has to be booked on January 2nd for all holidays and has very limited places as it is in huge demand and serves a large area. Other holiday clubs are activity based (dance/ gymnastics/ football/ tennis ect) and are ordered to those actively doing the activity first e.g. DDs dance school are doing a holiday club 10-2.30 this holiday, places were offered to all students of the dance club, then to students of another dance school which DDs dance school do shows with. Then if there are any spaces left the dance school tell students to let family and friends know if they want a holiday space - this is mid September and there were 2 spaces left. After that any spaces left (1 space this holiday) were offered out to the public at the end of September and it was gone within 3 hours. This is the same across all activities. My friends rugby club holiday spaces were all taken by rugby kids, non were offered out of the club.

@Goofish I wouldn't put it past the dad. One reason I am grey walling, I don't want any hint that we might be a bit free.

I've just left it as we are busy this holidays. Hopefully they stay on separate tables and the friendship moves to aqauintences.

I used to work with a real pisstaker

She'd open her mouth and everyone would scatter

Anyway,one day she went round everyone to tell them they where having her feral kids but everyone either had plans or where at work themselves

She checked the work rota and saw I was at work 4pm-11pm the following day and told me that I was having them from 6am-2pm

I said 'no',it was too much and my lot where grown up-i wasn't doing it,not even for one day

Bang on 5:50am,my doorbell rang off the hook

She'd dragged them to my house,dumped them and fucked off

I rang work and said to tell her to come and get them or I was phoning ss

She ditched and wailed but did come and get them

I've never been so angry in my life

Best laugh-dad and his now wife (who at the time was this woman's girlfriend-its a long story) both had the day off but couldn't do it as they 'fancied' a lie in!

She quit not long after and ignores me if she sees me

She's a cf user and I wouldn't be surprised if this woman pulls the same stunt

I've done my time of getting up at daft o'clock and paying for every second of childcare

You don't need any justification or explaining.
'No, I don't want to.' is better than 'No, I can't.'

Imagine the brass neck to ask for a drop off play date at someone else’s house!

They need to take annual leave, and actually they’d have more luck if they were honest a bit in advance before people made plans, and offered that they could maybe do a swap where they have a child two days, and then send Jane over for two days, or whatever.
As it is, they’re now left with nothing because people have cottoned on.

Play dates seem very one sided, does she ever host?

Is say you's did may check you post before press send it is did.

Id reply saying, what day would you like to have my DD over since your daughter is so keen to see her?
She sounds cheeky AF and like she's trying to avoid childcare

An initial waffly message about how she had planned to take the morning off and just drop her boy for an afternoon, but it’s so silly when I’m home anyway so the day seemed sensible and she assumed it would be fine to rely on that again. She got short shrift from me and had to make other plans. I only had her kid for 2 hours max each time my kid wanted to play with him.

“I think the last one rather put DD off, as the long day meant they were overtired and fractious.”