AIBU to not encourage a friendship because parents are CFs.

[Icecreamandcoffee]

DD (5) made a new friend last year in the summer term, let's call her Jane. We have just entered the era of unaccompanied playdates last summer. Summer holidays come round and DDs new friends mum messages about her DD coming for a playdate. I say yes that's fine. Playdate was supposed to only be a couple of hours but the night before I got a text from the mum asking for playdate to start at 9 as Dad was dropping off, then a text later saying she would collect but she was working till 3 so could she collect at 4? It was too late to really cancel it as DD was very excited. I did not agree to any other playdates for the rest of the summer and claimed we were busy. As it happened we ran into Jane having playdates at several other people's houses at various free and cheap activities going on during the summer. It seems Jane's mum and dad pretty much went round the whole class asking for playdates, then pretty much changed the times to 9-4 so neither had to use AL. It became a bit of a discussion between a lot of mums by the end of the summer holidays as quite a few mums felt very used - there are quite a few of us in DDs class on Maternity leave or have only just started going back to work so are not back working full hours yet (me included).

Anyway, since September when DD went into yr1 the friendship has drifted. They are sat on different tables it seems and DD has become closer to other friends. Earlier this week Jane's mum posted in the class Whatsapp about anyone wanting to do playdates over the holidays? She's had no takers. Those who responded have mentioned they are very busy over the holidays so will struggle to do a playdate, us included. We are genuinely busy catching up with friends, family and DD has a dance show at the end of November with a couple of rehearsals in the next few weekends.

Last night I got a text from Jane's mum asking if there was any possibility of a playdate at all in the holidays and that Jane misses DD since they are in different tables. DD isn't really bothered about Jane, also the last playdate they had in the summer was really hard work as it was 9-4 and they got fed up of each other and bickered. I'm kind of glad that the friendship has fizzled back a bit as it makes saying no to what are essentially cf childcare playdates easier as DD isn't good friends with Jane.

AIBU to let this fizzle out and not help. I have enough on with 2 small DC and don't want to be childcare for someone who cba to take AL and won't reciprocate a playdate and will effectively lie the night before to cover their working hours.

Just say you’re busy and don’t get into any further discussion about it.

I see this is the line you're taking OP. Very sensible and the only way.

I had one like this in my block of flats when my DD was young. She knocked on the door at 6:00 p.m. and said she needed to go out (not an emergency) and would I have her daughter for the evening. I said no. Cue sulky face and ignoring me in the street thereafter! Crazy. No loss to me!

Well done you. 👏 my own sis in law would be a cf often text us late in the night asking for us to bring one of her children to football gymnastics etc. husband being soft would say yes then we would finish whatever we brought them too get in car to bring home and the child would say oh mum said we were spending the day with you or we going to get lunch with you - she never agreeded that with us quickly nipped it in the bud would say oh no mum never discussed that with me i have plans for the rest of the day. I would drop them back home she wasn't impressed with me at all. I don't mind babysitting but ask me properly and in advance. she soon stopped asking us.

Ignore me. I was thinking of reception 🙄

There are 2 parents, nit that hard to ensure at least one can take A/L, also not OPs problem!
And if they're that poor, they'd be able to claim UC which covers up to 85% childcare.

Edited in response to your edit!

Literally started being friends summer term of reception, play date was mid summer holidays. I had only met the mum at parties and random 10 minute chats at drop off and pick up. Since starting year 1 the girls haven't really played together - separate tables in class and don't really play together at playtime.

Everyone generally chats at drop off and pick up but I wouldn't personally do a drop off playdate for more than a couple of hours with people i only chat to at the school gate and met at parties. I don't really do drop off playdates to anyone other than close mum friends. I have done 1 drop and run party as the mum asked us to drop and run as she had a small house.

I'd have to call her out for her behaviour tbh.

"No Jane's mum, we are not available and I think if you're going to try and use people for free childcare then you should at least be up front about it."

Of course you (and other mums) are not being unreasonable. Other Mum is a total CF, but it does makes me feel sad for Jane, who will have no idea why any of her friends never want a playdate with her, poor kid. Her own parents piss-taking having an impact on a kid is rubbish.

That's a super CF. And in your own family!

Everyone who's getting roped into hosting the girl need to say it's her turn and what time should I bring child around? Might make her realise what a CF she's been.

It is really rude. Could you arrange it somewhere neutral like a playground? The only drop off we did was a house party, and even then I was asking if they needed a hand with anything, were they sure etc. I think I came across badly the other way though, and the other Mum was about to shout "get out of my house and leave them to it!"😂

I would say unfortunately you’re not able to host a play date because you’re too busy, but happy to drop off you Dd at her house for a few hours so they can catch up

What has this got to do with friendships fizzling out. A 5 year old has no concept of a friendship and will change their mind from one minute to the next. Being on different tables? They are still in the same room. What this boils down to is the mother of one child in the class wanting some free child care. 9 to 4 isnt a playdate. Its the child I feel sorry for.

If my DD wanted to have a play date, I’d just either say, “Yes, shall DD come to you this time, since Jane came to our house last time?” Or alternatively suggest meeting for a couple of hours at a soft play nearby. If DD wasn’t fussed about meeting up, I’d simply decline

This really would be the most sensible option, no need for excuses, just the truth. It would be doing her a favour, if she knows everyone knows what she's like and won't fall for it again she'll have to make some proper childcare plans for the future.

Some people suggested asking to drop your child at her house. Absolutely not. That woman is not to be trusted.

You already know there is no reason for you to agree to offer childcare a playdate after her shameful behaviour.

Don’t cave in OP she is looking for cheap childcare, concentrate on your own family and friends.
I certainly wouldn’t leave my child with her even if she offered!

Stick to your guns just say as said we are busy I'm sure they can catch up at school.

Yes covering the holidays is tricky but that's why parents plan in advance. Hopefully this will teach them a lesson as sounds like they will need last minute AL or unpaid leave.

These CF parents have ruined their child's chances of friendship time outside of school for Jane. It's sad but it's something that is completely on them, not the rest of the classes' parents.

This is absolutely crazy, I have never heard of people inviting themselves TO playdates at someones house, surely you only ever invite people to your own house and hope they return the favour. I would actually message with the facts, 'Sorry Jane, are you asking about a playdate at ours? Because last time you changed the times and it wasn't good for us, it messed up our schedules actually and we are happy for a playdate if you want to host, but we definately aren't hosting this time as we felt you took the piss last time.'

Yes, I feel sad for Jane, being palmed off on whoever can take her for the day because her parents won't take annual leave 😢.

As harsh as it sounds OP, if your DD is no longer close with Jane then forcing Jane on your child won’t help. Friendships do change in the early years at school.
I think you’ve handled this perfectly OP. You and the other Mums have quickly worked out CFs game plan and won’t put up with it again.
You had a whole day of Jane at your house and as you said, the girls bickered as a whole day is too much. You’ve been kind and generous but were taken advantage of.
Jane’s parents should have thought this through way before the school holidays. It is a pain in the arse when holiday clubs aren’t open for a whole working day but there could be a childminder who takes children for the day thus CFs can work.
I feel sorry for Jane who spent summer bouncing from house to house. Maybe other children had a similar experience with her and only wanted a couple of hours playtime.
But when you have a child, you are responsible for making arrangements for the care of that child. Also Jane is being put at risk as she’s being dropped off at various unfamiliar places for hours at a time with people she barely knows. Maybe I’m too suspicious of people nowadays but I wouldn’t leave my own DC with someone I don’t know very well.
I’m probably too over cautious for reasons I won’t go into but this is up to Jane’s parents.
No is a complete sentence.

YANBU and you know that. You’ve decided what you’re doing (‘grey wall’) so why ask?

I'd fuck with her. Agree, say, a two hour window 3-5pm, then when she messages the night before to drop Jane off at 9am just say "no, that's not what we agreed and we cannot do it".

And arrange to be in a different county at the time.

As others have said, only reply if its something like ''sounds good, what time and when are you free for us to come round"?