To think it’s rude that a girl’s mum is inviting her round to play with DD on a pre-existing play date?

[Unreaaass]

DD is in year 4 and has a very set best friend since nursery school. They tend to have weekly play dates and monthly sleepovers. This friend is coming over on Saturday for a play and a sleepover.

Also there’s another girl in DD’s class that, previously, DD had said was a bit mean and she didn’t like. This other girl and DD were in the same summer holiday club in August and DD said the girl had changed and she liked her now. So they played a bit at our house and the girl’s house (no sleepovers). Anyway, a few weeks ago DD said she doesn’t like this girl anymore as she’s back to being mean. DD had apparently told her “if you’re mean like that, I don’t want to play” and the girl kept doing it.

Anyway I have just looked at my phone and this girl’s mother has messsged “Hi A, could B come round for a play date and a sleepover on Saturday? She’s been hearing about C and D talking about it and she doesn’t want to miss out!” With lots of laughing and praying emojis.

I have two older daughters so I thought I’d heard it all! (Also DD having older sisters means she’s quite good at holding her boundaries and understanding play dynamics etc).

Anyway, DH says it’s fine for this mum to ask. Just say no. But then I look like the bad guy!

AIBU?

(I am going to say no, btw, as DD won’t want her to come.)

Its an easy fix "No we don't have the room, but I will ask DD if she wants to come over if you want to host. Have a good weekend"

I rather suspect that the little madam behaves like she does because her mother doesnt use the word no. About time someone taught her how to.

Who cares if it’s cheeky! You only have to say no. Your DD and her friend are being cliquey and leaving another girl out and her mum is trying to help.

There is nothing remotely "unkind" about your daughter chatting to her friends about her life. PLEASE do not muzzle her like this.

Girls are told from the second they are born to "be kind" which has no definition, as I think it's super UNkind to say this to your child, and perfectly kind for her to chat normally to her friends. Girls are always being told to put themselves last, think of others - we see how well that ends on all the relationship boards here.

Since you now know that this girl is pushy and her mother is a CF it is fine to warn your daughter to avoid talking about her plans in front of this person. But please do not play the "it's unkind you have a life and are happy" card. She'll get that from everyone her whole life anyway, she should not also get it from you.

And, yes the other mother should definitely not have asked, but I do have some sympathy if her daughter was pushing her into it.

It would be absolutely awful if you forced your daughter to feel unhappy in her own home by allowing someone to push past her boundaries, so yes definitely you have to say no.

Just as an adult has a perfect right not to have to tolerate people in their home and inner circle if they do not wish to, so does a child.

This can all be solved by you developing the strength to say no - for any reason - to requests you do not wish to fulfill, and modelling that to your child.

No they're not! They are stating that they dont want to play with the mean girl who is trying to muscle in. I wish more girls did that.

I didnt and got Wendied in primary, seniors and a couple of times in adulthood.

Have you mixed the girls up?

These things are tricky.
My boys are late teens now, but honestly I hated it if they felt they were left out of something or left someone out.
Looking back, I'd have dealt with so many things differently, but I def reacted weirdly to some situations, esp when I saw my child feeling shit or sore about something.
Say no, but say it kindly. And also remember we all just want our kids to be happy. She probably feels hellishly awkward about asking, hence the emojis etc, but probably promised her child that she'd ask or sort it, which then left her in an uncomfortable position

wow. What a cheek!!

Is she definitely inviting her child to your house???????

If so, I would deliberately misunderstand!
I’d reply: ‘Unfortunately we have got crazy weekends for the next few weeks so (your child’s name) won’t be able to come over to play at yours, but thanks so much for the invite. Maybe next time!’

Well maybe the girl isn’t popular and her mum is trying to rekindle the friendship. She only has her DD’s word for what goes on between the girls. So yes a big cheeky but understandable - she’s trying to help her DD.

Call me a cynic but sounds like the other mum just wants a night down the pub and is dumping her kid anywhere

Yeah, that crossed my mind too.

This is a good point and definitely possible. I think in so many of these situations, information is limited and we may not even realize how many gaps in it we're filling in our own way.

They play games with their teddies! That's so sweet! 🥹

If I were you, I'd be honest with the other mum. "The reason I don't want to include B on this occasion is because she has been quite mean to C, more than once, and C will be upset and not want to go if B is invited. But I'm sure there will be more opportunities if B can get a hold of her tendency to be mean."

The mum might then ask for examples, which you can give her. And then the mum will talk to B, who will realise that being mean does not win friends or influence people and might change her behaviour.

Or the mum will think you're unreasonable/lying etc. But that won't matter - you will have said no and communicated the truthful reason why. If you don't communicate, the problem won't get solved and the mum will just think you're mean. If there's a problem with another child, I think you should tell the parent, so they can fix it. Otherwise everyone ends up feeling bad.

It will be good for B to experience the natural consequences of being mean to her peers.

'Ah no, that won't work for us'

If she carries on being pushy then just be upfront and tell her your DD says her DD is mean at times so doesn’t always want to play with her. It’s best to be honest really.

It is an honest reply not a childish reply and maybe the child's mother can tackle the mean child's behaviour

Yup. This.

Any mother who is forthright enough to try to invite her child into your home for a sleep over is almost certainly the sort to take umbrage when she's told her kid is a mean girl.

And besides, there's no reason to give any explanation, a polite no is always fine when someone makes any request of your personal time, companionship or resources.

Double post for some reason.

this girl’s mother has messsged “Hi A, could B come round for a play date and a sleepover on Saturday? She’s been hearing about C and D talking about it and she doesn’t want to miss out!” With lots of laughing and praying emojis.

That is so cheeky, WTF 😁
YANBU
Just say something like " sorry, we can't do that as we're busy that weekend."

The cheek! What did you reply? I have no idea what I’d say to that!