To think it’s rude that a girl’s mum is inviting her round to play with DD on a pre-existing play date?

[Unreaaass]

DD is in year 4 and has a very set best friend since nursery school. They tend to have weekly play dates and monthly sleepovers. This friend is coming over on Saturday for a play and a sleepover.

Also there’s another girl in DD’s class that, previously, DD had said was a bit mean and she didn’t like. This other girl and DD were in the same summer holiday club in August and DD said the girl had changed and she liked her now. So they played a bit at our house and the girl’s house (no sleepovers). Anyway, a few weeks ago DD said she doesn’t like this girl anymore as she’s back to being mean. DD had apparently told her “if you’re mean like that, I don’t want to play” and the girl kept doing it.

Anyway I have just looked at my phone and this girl’s mother has messsged “Hi A, could B come round for a play date and a sleepover on Saturday? She’s been hearing about C and D talking about it and she doesn’t want to miss out!” With lots of laughing and praying emojis.

I have two older daughters so I thought I’d heard it all! (Also DD having older sisters means she’s quite good at holding her boundaries and understanding play dynamics etc).

Anyway, DH says it’s fine for this mum to ask. Just say no. But then I look like the bad guy!

AIBU?

(I am going to say no, btw, as DD won’t want her to come.)

I dont think its rude to ask at all, just as its not rude for you to say 'I dont think they're actually friends at the moment so not at the moment'.

Very true - she was probably very much pushed into it.

I will definitely tell DD to be a little more cautiously kind next time (and for the rest of tomorrow!). They are planning on continuing this game they play with their teddies and a den, and I think it’s probably all they talk about at break time!

I had a similar situation but my DD was the one who was going to the sleepover at her BFFS house. The third mum just turned up with her DD and her overnight stuff. 🤣 Brazen as fuck.

Oh wow!! That is very brazen! How did it all go?!

Absolutely not.
How rude.
This is not advocating for your child.
It is being rude and pushy.

I wouldn't want to be involved with mother or child.
I would completely avoid them.
I dislike pushy entitled people.

Basic manners prevents normal people from doing this.
Children need to learn they do not get invited everywhere.

Normal people would invite your daughter for a playdate and host themselves etc., NOT presume that they can push into an existing invitation.

Like a couple of parents I came across who told me that their child was very keen to come to my childs house for a playdate.
They didn't suggest a playdate at theirs, oh no, that their come to my house.🙄

Absolutely not. CF behaviour. Card marked.

Back in the day, you just went out to play and played with whoever was around.

I would avoid making excuses like, there’s too many or we have other plans etc as people have suggested as that will just open the door to more invites which your daughter clearly doesn’t want at present. I think an honest response that you believe the girls are not getting on well currently is probably best.

Surely this person would say no, I mean Ana wants to come to see Mai and Betty on Saturday, but it's great you're keen on them meeting, so they can all get together next week too!
OP, I would ask your daughter to clarify what she wants, and take it from there. Yes, you're the adult who decides, but you're asking our opinions, and I always let the kids invite more if they want, and like you say, they fall in and out of who is mean/who they're friends with at this stage.

I don't think she was that rude to ask given that as far as mum was concerned they were friends and been happily having play dates.

Fine for you to say no though either point out they hadn't been getting on or say you aren't able to host 2 girls at same time

This. Not an issue to ask. Not an issue to say mo.

Definitely say no.
My mother was strong-armed into inviting another girl to my birthday sleepover, the girls mother (and our teacher!) laid on the guilt so she and I agreed, but the girl spent the sleepover passing notes about me to the other attendees and it was a horrible experience. The girl didn't even want to be friends with me! She just wanted my friends, this girl may be doing similar if she is not being kind to your DD day to day.

I also think that it’s actually okay for your daughter and her best friend to talk openly about a planned sleepover. It’s not like the entire class is invited except this one other child, that would be cruel but like someone already said children need to learn that they don’t get invited to everything and that’s okay.

I totally agree with you. Haven't we all been taught from early childhood that it's rude to invite yourself (or your child)?

I would simply say, "No, that won't work for me." And don't reply if she texts anything else. No excuses, apologies, reasons, future promises or anything else that makes her think her request passed as acceptable or that gives her a "handle" to use to continue pushing with, now or later.

In my experience, people who do this do it frequently because they're used to getting what they want from it. Often, polite people are thrown off balance by unexpected pushiness and automatically respond "politely," to the impoliteness, which just encourages the pushy ones to keep pushing.

I'm starting to see where this woman's little girl gets her poor behavior from.

Year 4!!

No! Obviously no. If the other girl's mum wants her to have a playdate with the other two, she can invite them to her own house.

sorry we’re not going to allow group sleepovers for a few more years, DH and I have had this rule with all the kids, we cannot function without sleep (and maybe chuck a smiley emoji in)

more than happy for a play date some other time

That is such a childish reply, sorry.
All the OP needs to say is that she has enough on with this sleepover for now.

Just don't reply.

Whats childish about it?

They're not friends at the moment are they? Its just factual, the other mum may not even know.

I thought it was just me that had the weird mum messages.

Absolutely say no. I would probably also silence her on the messages as she sounds hard work

‘Sorry, no-I can manage one friend sleeping over but I’m not doing any more that than for a good while yet!’

If she wants to have a group sleepover, she can organise it at her own house.

It's a bit 'My daughter isn't talking to your daughter'. A bit like school ground nonsense.
Surely there is nothing wrong with just saying 'no, not this time'

You see - I completely disagree with this. You don’t ask because it puts someone else in the awkward position of having to say no. A lot of people find this difficult (which is what, if I’m being cynical, the “fine to ask” types are betting on in the first place). If the mum wanted her DD to be involved, she should have suggested a play date at her house, which she was hosting. She is rude.

An ongoing game with teddies and a den sounds awesome! My (now 22yo dd!) would have loved that!
If the other mum pushes back again I would tell her "twos company threes a crowd!" and "why not host a sleep over at your house sometime soon" Cheeky mare. And teach your child to be less mean in future....... that way she will be invited to more stuff!
I hope your dd and her friend have lots of fun.

Don't do this kind of passive aggressive stuff. It's horrible.