Dd saying she hates me and wants a different mum

[Mayajamascheekbones]

Dd keeps saying things like this at the moment when she's angry

Today's scenario:

She had a snack in the car after school, came home and I was putting the dinner out (we have it early on weekdays when we're home after school)
She started to look in cupboards asking where the chocolate spread was. I was telling her we weren't having that as I was putting out the dinner now. She started to shout that she was making a sandwich to have after dinner. I said again how it had been put away and we were having dinner.
She exploded, shouting how she said she was making it for after dinner and how she hated me, she wanted a different mum and so on.
I've just come upstairs because i'm so sick of it
Please any advice how to deal with it and whether this is normal?

She's just turned 9

Thank you

Actions have consequences, now is a marvellous time for her to learn this.

I would calmly tell her that her behaviour is not acceptable and she is to apologise.

I would also ask her if something has happened during the day if this is out of character behaviour for her.

No way would I put up with that sort of rudeness from a 9 year old. I would have sent her straight to her room and told her that when she's ready to apologise and behave like a reasonable human being, she can come down and have her dinner.

I wouldn't have shouted or got upset - I think icy calm is much more effective!

I don't think being hangry after school is an excuse - she'd already had a snack and at her age she knows full well that her behaviour was unacceptable. Nip it in the bud now before the teenage years!

Don’t tolerate this. You need to look really angry and raise your voice and tell her you won’t be spoken to that way and if she speaks like that to you again there’ll be no more chocolate spread period.

She is testing your boundaries and if you don’t nip it in the bud at 9, you’ll have a really objectionable teenager on your hands.

Oart if our job as parents is to teach our children right from wrong and how to interact. This kind of behaviour is not ok and she needs to learn that. No one else is going to teach her.

That is a really stupid thing to say. From that she learns that she can be as rude as she likes to everyone with no consequences and she will be.

You will have a nightmare teenager in your hands if that is how you respond to rudeness.

To be honest a 4pm dinner sounds like she’d be hungry enough for a sandwich after.

Doesn’t excuse how she spoke to you - I’ve definitely shouted similar when I was young!

Never meant it if it helps!

Sorry, OP - not nice to hear xx

OP, toughen up.
Buy absolutely nothing whatsoever even vaguely nice for a few weeks and start implementing some consequences.

Soft parenting at this stage leads to awful problems during the teen years.

Nip it in the bud.

I wouldn't tolerate that behaviour even once.

I’ve got a 13 yo Dd and I found 9 the hardest age (so far!!). There’s a pre-puberty stage I heard about after my Dd was older. I remember wishing I knew at the time
See photo….

The image is under review and I got a message about it being inappropriate- no idea why but Google adrenache

If this is now happening on a regular basis you have to change your approach. You say you tell her that she shouldn't hurt other people's feelings but what else happens? Do you impose any consequences? It doesn't seem like she pays much attention to your talks since she continues doing this, it only ends up with you losing your cool and you have to retreat upstairs and she just acts up like this again another day. She isn't learning that her behaviour isn't acceptable.

I agree with others that you should make a plan so you know how you're going to deal with the situation the next time she behaves like this.

Exactly. Met too many people who think it's ok to snap at their partners and others, because their parents let them away with it if they'd been having a bad day/tired/hungry etc. Not saying you, OP!

Agree.

I think it was fact the dd was wanting to make it whilst op was serving dinner, and she was telling her to wait until afterwards?

Mine have grown up now and weren't nightmare teenagers but did say some rude things as children ocassionally . I did tell them those comments were unacceptable and rude but that those comments didnt and never could change my love for them. The comments stopped with maturity.

I have distinct memories of my mum replying “Well I still love you” in a calm and non reactive fashion in response to me yelling I hated her.

I also remember that taking the wind out of my sails.

I held onto it in my bag of intended tools when I was pregnant with DS because of how effectively it brought the temperature down and gave me space to sit there splutteringly thunderstruck at how annoyingly reasonable she was being.

I found other ways of being a pain in the arse and was trying as a teenager, but left the I hate you and want another mum out of quiver of verbal arrows because it (seemingly) glanced off her and was therefore deeply unsatisfactory for an emotional argy bargy session.

In that case a whack across the backside would be swiftly forthcoming and chocolate spread taken off the shopping list. Not putting up with that shite.

...smart reply to " I want a different mum " ..." I want a different daughter"

In my house too. I just won't tolerate it. To their room they go and they apologise before coming down too.

Brilliant !🤣

Some big over reactions on replies here! No dinner, straight to bed, it's a bloody sandwich.

I don't control food in my house, if my kids are hungry after school and they are prepared to make a sandwich or snack themselves then saves me the job.

The chocolate spread would have gone straight in the bin and not replaced.

Dinner was ready …..

Agreed. A calm " I don't deserve to be spoken to like that thank- you, go and spend some time in your room until you have calmed down, then come back and apologise and we can talk about the sandwich".
This only works if you also don't speak to your children like she has spoken to you.

Did you miss the rudeness and behaviour? It’s not the bloody sandwich is it? 🙄

Whyarepeople
I wouldn't say it's normal but it's not unusual. That said, I wouldn't tolerate it.

I think this too. If you’re fed up with it is it this extreme regularly or she’s normally a bit cranky and she lost it? They say kids hold in so much in school trying to be good and then lose it at home but it’s still not ok

I wouldn’t worry, I always say stuff like I’m your mother not your best mate, and if you liked me all the time I wouldn’t be doing my job properly! And that is true, you’ve got to take decisions for their best interests that aren’t popular.