Dd saying she hates me and wants a different mum

[Mayajamascheekbones]

Dd keeps saying things like this at the moment when she's angry

Today's scenario:

She had a snack in the car after school, came home and I was putting the dinner out (we have it early on weekdays when we're home after school)
She started to look in cupboards asking where the chocolate spread was. I was telling her we weren't having that as I was putting out the dinner now. She started to shout that she was making a sandwich to have after dinner. I said again how it had been put away and we were having dinner.
She exploded, shouting how she said she was making it for after dinner and how she hated me, she wanted a different mum and so on.
I've just come upstairs because i'm so sick of it
Please any advice how to deal with it and whether this is normal?

She's just turned 9

Thank you

I was really cross and said she could find another mum, but they wouldn't put up with this behaviour and that she can't say nasty things like that and they hurt people's feelings

I would never have dared behave like this with my mum, she’d have knocked me into next week with no apology. Don’t gentle parent this. Tell her to wait till after dinner, she doesn’t get to be boss! You’ll have to nip this in the bud with firm parenting.

And then you just ran off upstairs?

What about the dinner?

What about consequences for her?

She was told to wait until after dinner and hasn't had any

I didn't run off upstairs
I shouted and said a lot of things, so went to cool down and think about the best way to approach it
She's had her dinner, no chocolate spread

Mine get privileges revoked for that sort of rudeness! For most kids 9 is definitely old enough to learn not to speak to your family like crap.

Im sorry .
In response to your 9 yr old saying she hates you and wishes she had a different mum. Id say ,well i still love you evenn when you are hangry and wouldnt change you as my daughter for all the chocolate spread sandwhiches in the world.
Perhaps a bigger snack in the car might stave off the hanger?

Ever since the twee phrase 'hangry' came about a few years back, people seem to think it's a perfectly valid excuse for kids to act how they like 'because hangry'.

If feeling hungry makes her angry when she's already eaten a snack and is just about to have her dinner, suggest she goes to her room everyday as soon as she gets in from school.

And she can wait there until dinner's ready, or until she learns to behave.

Pull a privilege or two and she gets chores. Cleaning the bathroom is a good one.

Trash the spread. She's lost that until she's working and can buy her own food.

Another thing not to be too surprised about is, if she starts her periods soon...

There should be a leaflet given to all new parents as soon as they leave the hospital, “do not include chocolate spread, crisps and other crap in yiur weekly shopping, children do not need them!”

Her ass goes on time out or what ever consequence you use.

She doesn't get to speak to you like that, ever without a consequence.

Exactly. No wonder why some kids are so vile today.

i often think that when I read the stuff on here. Some kids need some good old fashioned parenting.

The last time one of mine said that to me, I put her in the car, started driving and asked which house she would like me drop her off so she can have a new mum. It was the last time she said it.

Sorry OP, It's not something I've experienced with similar aged children. I think if mine spoke to me that way I would go absolutely ape shit at them and I wouldn't be bothering to calm myself down until I had been offered a sincere apology.

Who is in charge here? Hopefully the answer is you .

?? She eats really healthily, it's rare to have this

Same. No way I would reward this behaviour with more snacks has the world gone mad?!

I would be having a stern word about how shouting is unacceptable and if you say no, that means no. I also wouldn’t allow a chocolate sandwich after dinner regardless but appreciate that wasn’t the point of the thread.

Mine are adults and have moved out but no
way would I put up with this sort of behaviour - how dare she speak like this to you.

Removing yourself from a situation in the heat of the moment can be a great idea, especially when you feel like knocking a kid into next week!

That said, you might want to start using a system of consequences (and possibly rewards too), so you're not left having to wing it in the heat of the moment. I'm sure you could find something like that online. For ex. first, a verbal warning. Any backtalk or not complying, she's sent to her room for half an hour. If she continues, her allowance for the week is cut in half or whatver, and so on. If she can get you yelling and upset instead, then in a way, she's given you a punishment. That gives her the power to overturn the household according to her own whim.

You also might want to practice a set system of snacks, so there's a calm and expected "way things go" instead of what might seem to her like her snack being snatched away without warning. (If nothing like this is in place). I used to be a teacher and known and expected routines and systems prevented a lot of trouble even with a couple dozen kids at a time. Good luck with it.

Sorry you had such an abusive childhood.

I vaguely remember responding to similar behaviour by pretending to call Social Services and making an appointment with the adoption team 🤣.

DS all grown up now and definitely not 'troubled' with his upbringing.

Time to ban chocolate spread from the house for several months though....

Words along the lines of Tough because I’m the only mum that wants you

@Mayajamascheekbones welcome to 9 year old girls and hormones!!

Mine DD is now nearly 11 and we still have moments like this.

Just make the consequences very clear. "DD, your behaviour this evening was unacceptable. It is not OK to speak to someone like that and you need to apologise. Next time you are rude and speak like that, you will have a 48 hour screen ban (or whatever is appropriate). Do you understand?"

I usually let my DD go up to her room and have a tantrum, then eventually she calms down and apologises.

Hormones are evil but they don't excuse being rude.