To be offended that a man I'm dating inspected my flat and criticised my belongings? Or am I a 'secret hoarder'?

[ByRoseSnake]

I recently started dating a guy who initially seemed so promising, affectionate and ambitious (... if a little pedantic and reserved).

The first few dates went amazingly well. Lovely walk and a drink, then a dinner date, then on the third date, he invited me back to his place. He owns a very minimal, yet beautifully designed 3-bedroom house and garden. Impressive, yet spotless - every single item on display appears catalogue curated. I do remember being anxious at the time, as I wondered whether my quirky little rental apartment would size up. And I felt out of place and clumsy in this 'perfect' home.

For context, I live alone and adore my own apartment. It's a 1-bed Victorian rental conversion (not quite a privately owned 3-bed, but hey!) and it became a sanctum of my inner world after a very traumatic break up years ago. It's the first place I've ever lived alone and felt my own. I have all of my lovely vintage furniture in there, all my books and journals (I'm finishing a PhD), prints on the wall and loads of sentimental trinkets and objects from travels dotted around.
I also love doing art work in my free time, so my dining table is often loaded up with art materials and projects I'm working on.
Definitely tons of stuff that I need to donate/recycle - but the space is kept clean and is not piled up. I would call it 'busy'.

When I did invite him around, I sensed instantly that he was sizing it up. I guess it's not uncommon to be curious and have a nosy around when you first enter someone's place (I do the same), but there was something that felt off.

He flat out said, after 'inspecting' my apartment - "I didn't know you were a secret hoarder". I was really offended, but decided to brush it off. (Before cooking him a meal, yes, silly me...)

The second time that he arranged to came round, I ended up manically cleaning, tidying and decluttering before he arrived, because I was so on edge about him making another comment.
He saw the boxes laid out to go to the charity shop the next day and immediately commented "you see what I mean!"
He then proceeded to dry dust my TV and laptop unasked for the next 20 minutes, alongside making snide comments about my reading taste ("I can tell you're a feminist sighs".

When I've been around to his place since, I feel like I'm walking on eggshells. He already claims that I've scuffed the wall in two places, but can't confirm where..?

Obviously, I know these are red flags. I'm close to sacking things off with him, but it has made me paranoid that maybe, in fact, I am a slovenly person with hoarding tendencies??? I've always had a 'one in, on out' system for buying new items, but I do love surrounding myself with memories and interests. I guess this is just incompatible with some people. I do get that we have our own ways of living.

I worry because my parents are LEGIT hoarders i.e. there is one path that leads its way through the house because they have stacks upon stacks of miscellaneous items that they can't let go of at all - as in, it's emotionally unbearable for them to do so. And no one knows where the valuable/sentimental items are within the 'shite'. At one point, they were worried a rat had escaped into the mess... I know that I'll have to be helping out with some of that soon, so to be referred to as a 'secret hoarder' myself is a real blow.

Do I need to reassess my own living space and background, or can I just conclude that this recent dating partner is at best incompatible, at worst officious?

First post nails it

I have a male friend with proper OCD and he finds it impossible to meet someone.
He lives in a little estate of new builds and asked the neighbours if he could mow their front gardens as well as his own.
I’ve accepted when I visit he is the way he is but I couldn’t be his partner. His home is perfect and very sterile.
Your flat sounds charming and I think you are aware that hoarding can get out of hand and you seem on top of it.
His behaviours are revolting - especially the comments.

He sounds like a knob, bin him

Why do you even like him? He sounds like a bore and a tosser

Op, your house woukd drive me nuts! However it doesn't matter because it's your house and you are doing things you like doing and you like your trinkets and ornaments. Theres nothing wrong with that . It sounds like my friends place, she has her music, arts abd crafts stuff where she wants This fella sounds like a complete tosser, dry dusting your tv, sighing that your a feminist and so on! Just rude!!!
Life's too short, find some one with manners.

Dusting your TV on a date? Unbelievable.

Join Burned Haystacks Dating Method on FB or buy the book and see if you can weed out these hyper-critical nasty men before they even come into your home.

RUN

Your house sounds delightful.
But the biggest red flag for me is 'I can tell you're a feminist'.

Why do you even need to ask? Give him the big E and move on to a more polite less judgemental option.

The red flag here isnt that your lifestyles are different , it’s that he’s so rude and condescending !

My parents were massive hoarders . It’s sent me the opposite way and so I live a very orderly life but I still like things around me that have special meaning . I find the clinical minimalist look incredibly boring & sterile but each to their own .

OP, please say your ended it!!!

Minimalism is just a fashion, like so much else that is pushed as being something "everybody ought" to do. Your choices are just as valid.

If anything in your home worries you, sort it; but none of it is anyone else's business.

I'd ditch him. He sounds arrogant and meddlesome.

"I can tell you're a feminist sighs".

He can get in the bin

I actually WAS a hoarder, grateful not to be any more, it was a genuine mental illness the way I was living. The fact you can pile stuff up and donate it to charity tells me that you are not one. When I was in that headspace, every single item seemed to have disproportionate emotional value and getting rid of it wouldn’t have been that simple. We’re talking real crap too, I had some beautiful things but they were just hidden under all the crap.

he is rude, judgemental and I wouldn’t want to live in his barren joyless house.

He’s just rude…and your home sounds like one that puts people at ease, not worrying about where to put things, sit or brush past.
Our house is a little chaotic, we’ve got pets and kids so it’s tricky to keep spotless and I wouldn’t want it minimally decorated/pristine anyway. Its fairly clean, fairly tidy but a few piles of books, the shoe rack is always over spilling and you trip over school bags as you come in.
But people take us how they find us and are always made welcome, they might have to move a basket of clean clothes and a dog or two to find a seat but the kettles is always on and the biscuit tin ready.
Anyone who made comments similar to your new bloke would be shown the door and told not to worry about visiting again.
Your home is your space, he doesn’t sound like he deserves to be in there!

I wouldn't waste another second on this boorish idiot. Throw it back.

In the gentlest way, as a daughter of hoarders, you need to let go of this stuff if it isn’t being used. You feel the love, you don’t need to keep everything they ever gave you as “proof”. If you don’t use the instruments or sports equipment then let it go.

Still let this guy go too though, because he is rude and oversteps boundaries that he should know isn’t appropriate. He could have thought “oh no, she’s a hoarder and a feminist and I can’t deal with that” and then left couldn’t he? Not start trying to make you feel bad about yourself like a total dick. No.

You're different to him and like a different living environment, that's ok.
He thinks he's better than you and that you not having a horrible sterile box for your home is a flaw. That's not ok. Differences are fine as long as there is mutual respect. He'll never compromise, he'll bully you until you meet his standards if you let him.

The ‘secret hoarder’ comment is something I’d just laugh off. I certainly wouldn’t be decluttering for him.

I also see loads of threads on here where women complain about their boyfriend’s houses not being nice or tidy or clean enough for them, and generally replies seem to suggest it’s OK to say something.

However, THIS is a massive red flag:

making snide comments about my reading taste ("I can tell you're a feminist sighs".

That’s the behaviour of a cunt and he needs dumping. He sounds like a twat (and you’re very incompatible anyway).

it seemed obvious really, critical, fastidious, tactless…

I also don't think you sound like a hoarder, OP. Someone questioned you keeping things that were bought for you as a child, like sports stuff, but you keep it because it has sentimental value to you. This is rational and completely different from hoarding. Hoarding is where people keep items like used margarine tubs, just in case, and it causes them huge pain to get rid of such things. I used to live in a flat opposite a hoarder. He'd pick up anything he saw on the street and bring it back.

Hoarding is completely different from simply having a lot of stuff. In the latter, people don't keep used margarine tubs and feel deeply uncomfortable with throwing them out. They have items that they really like, and they are proper items, not rubbish or things like random newspapers and leaflets from years ago.

I think accusations of hoarding are thrown around a lot these days, probably due to the programme HOARDERS. My exH seemed to think that a carefully curated and stored collection of dolls counted as hoarding. Organised collections are emphatically NOT hoarding, and the literature on hoarding makes that clear. (I did some research on it when trying to understand my neighbour. His flat was full of actual rubbish and we had stink, flies, everything.)

Basically, simply having a lot of items does not equal hoarding. And OP, you say you have regular decluttering, which would be impossible for you to do if you were a hoarder.

Some people just like to have a lot of stuff around the place. Like you, they find it cosy. I'm somewhere between you and Twatface. I have three different collections, but I like to keep them out of sight.

Pisces lol.

Blimey, you've just described my exH, also a Virgo....

It's the snide commentary and taking it upon himself to dust and tidy your place that makes him sound like a prize twat.

Honestly though, I'm a minimalist and would probably find your place overwhelming but that's just types. Some people function better being surrounded by comforting things and mementos, and others prefer free space.
Liking the former is not necessarily hoarding and liking the latter doesnt necessarily mean "hidden demons".

But, the two are largely incompatible.

Agree with all the above completely.

Many years ago, I read a colour supplement article/interview on Philip Schofield. The writer commented on how uncommonly neat and orderly his living space was. Just saying...