To be offended that a man I'm dating inspected my flat and criticised my belongings? Or am I a 'secret hoarder'?

[ByRoseSnake]

I recently started dating a guy who initially seemed so promising, affectionate and ambitious (... if a little pedantic and reserved).

The first few dates went amazingly well. Lovely walk and a drink, then a dinner date, then on the third date, he invited me back to his place. He owns a very minimal, yet beautifully designed 3-bedroom house and garden. Impressive, yet spotless - every single item on display appears catalogue curated. I do remember being anxious at the time, as I wondered whether my quirky little rental apartment would size up. And I felt out of place and clumsy in this 'perfect' home.

For context, I live alone and adore my own apartment. It's a 1-bed Victorian rental conversion (not quite a privately owned 3-bed, but hey!) and it became a sanctum of my inner world after a very traumatic break up years ago. It's the first place I've ever lived alone and felt my own. I have all of my lovely vintage furniture in there, all my books and journals (I'm finishing a PhD), prints on the wall and loads of sentimental trinkets and objects from travels dotted around.
I also love doing art work in my free time, so my dining table is often loaded up with art materials and projects I'm working on.
Definitely tons of stuff that I need to donate/recycle - but the space is kept clean and is not piled up. I would call it 'busy'.

When I did invite him around, I sensed instantly that he was sizing it up. I guess it's not uncommon to be curious and have a nosy around when you first enter someone's place (I do the same), but there was something that felt off.

He flat out said, after 'inspecting' my apartment - "I didn't know you were a secret hoarder". I was really offended, but decided to brush it off. (Before cooking him a meal, yes, silly me...)

The second time that he arranged to came round, I ended up manically cleaning, tidying and decluttering before he arrived, because I was so on edge about him making another comment.
He saw the boxes laid out to go to the charity shop the next day and immediately commented "you see what I mean!"
He then proceeded to dry dust my TV and laptop unasked for the next 20 minutes, alongside making snide comments about my reading taste ("I can tell you're a feminist sighs".

When I've been around to his place since, I feel like I'm walking on eggshells. He already claims that I've scuffed the wall in two places, but can't confirm where..?

Obviously, I know these are red flags. I'm close to sacking things off with him, but it has made me paranoid that maybe, in fact, I am a slovenly person with hoarding tendencies??? I've always had a 'one in, on out' system for buying new items, but I do love surrounding myself with memories and interests. I guess this is just incompatible with some people. I do get that we have our own ways of living.

I worry because my parents are LEGIT hoarders i.e. there is one path that leads its way through the house because they have stacks upon stacks of miscellaneous items that they can't let go of at all - as in, it's emotionally unbearable for them to do so. And no one knows where the valuable/sentimental items are within the 'shite'. At one point, they were worried a rat had escaped into the mess... I know that I'll have to be helping out with some of that soon, so to be referred to as a 'secret hoarder' myself is a real blow.

Do I need to reassess my own living space and background, or can I just conclude that this recent dating partner is at best incompatible, at worst officious?

Yeah dusting then polishing is not the same as “damp dusting”

Oh this. Yes.

And I like the sound of your cosy arty place. Somewhere you can relax and be yourself.

No good being criticised. No need to change. Celebrate being you and…
’throw him back’ love that.

He said feminist like it’s a bad thing. Immediate dump.

You need to reassess your relationship boundaries and dump his ass already.

Then ask a good friend to come round and tell you genuinely if they think there's a problem

I think you two are incompatible in terms of how you like your living space to be. There is room for you to ask a therapist if your frame of reference regarding tolerance for clutter is off due to hoarder parents. If anything to give you peace of mind.

Similarly, he sounds like his parents were OCD and his frame of reference is too extreme on the other end of the minimalist spotlessly clean spectrum.

So there is no chance of you two ever living together in harmony. Your ideal sanctum puts him on edge while his puts you on edge.

Maybe you are a hoarder, but he sounds like a twat. At the feminist comment. I’d have said “ of course I am. Are you not?”

Just dump him.

If you are worried about whether you are hoarding too much, ask a close friend for their opinion.

I think him saying she has marked his walls but her not being able to identify (and him therefore not making it clear) where these marks are is pretty weird. If I noticed a friend had marked my wall I would not say anything about it I’d just think “oh well, I’ll paint the whole wall at some point”.

Even if his level of cleanliness was normal he’s still a rude weirdo who thinks it’s ok to start putting his new girlfriend down and trying to change her (and has a problem with feminism) so he’s got issues of his own, whether OP needs to reevaluate her clutter or not.

What a judgmental man. Your home sounds lovely. Don’t let a man destroy the love of the home you have built for yourself.

This.
Get rid.
You can never live together because he' be binning your things on the sly.
Your flat sounds like heaven... his house sounds like a display.

I'm in two minds here.

He's clearly highly judgemental and critical. This won't improve if the two of you continue seeing each other. Bin his sorry arse ASAP.

OTOH, his comments prompted you to clean up and clear out. You wouldn't have done this if you didn't think he had made some valid points. Given your family tendency to hoard I think you should be making decluttering and cleaning a high priority otherwise stuff will gradually build up until it becomes as unmanageable as your parents home.

I think you should read back what you’ve written down here- within a couple of short months this man has shown himself to be negging, misogynistic and unkind. He’s letting you know who he is, very loud and very clear. These traits won’t improve over time, you’re likely to see these products getting worse and worse. I’m sad to hear that you are “close”
to ending things and wonder what someone would have to do for you to decide this.
For your own sanity and self worth, please get rid of this person.

Dump him immediately for the “I see you’re a feminist” comment.

He’s looking for someone to do his dusting. That is not you my girl.

on to the next

THIS!

Me too!

He has absolutely no manners, and no boundaries imo.

Your place sounds wonderful. It sounds like he's living in a hospital.

You should tell him you find his place cold and unwelcoming, before dumping him.

Your starting to hoard, if not doing so because you are putting emotions onto objects, that aren't particularly special. I've had to guard against that. For me the Kondo method and further reading was enough, it sounds like you would need something more targeted at hoarding. My sister's a full on hoarder. It gets worse as we get older. She is now to ashamed to let workmen/delivery drivers in and is living in shocking conditions for a woman eith her income. I think that you should do some work around why you can't clear your living space. If you ended up with boxes if stuff from a small flat, then you've minimised it. I know two other hoarders and it's destroyed their life, as they age and accumulate more stuff, especially after relatives dying. They are desperately lonely, but can't have people visit and people refuse to visit.

You and him aren't compatible. I've ended relationships because I can't live with clutter and within weeks of meeting my DP, I cleaned and cleared his house, but with his permission. His was MH related, then being overwhelmed.

He's a misogynistic pig. Get rid.

Your flat sounds lovely.

The continued negative comments on clean tidy spaces continue to annoy me.

like a hospital
cold
clinical
like you’re a serial killer.

ffs clean and tidy a is valid preference and some people find that comforting and relaxing. Stop with the snarky put downs.

Who cares if you are a “slovenly hoarder”? This is your home, your possessions, your life and it makes you happy. Don’t you dare change a thing unless it is entirely your decision and for you alone.

Marie Kondo says if it doesn’t spark joy then you should thank it for its service and get rid, which is exactly what you should do with this incredibly rude man.

Chuck him in the bin and find someone else likeminded and enjoys your ways of living.

I agree. So many posters want to feel morally superior about it. My house is clean and tidy, not clinical (it really isn't), because I live tidily, and I don't spend all my free time cleaning and tidying.

It takes no more than a couple of hours a week to vacuum and dust the house.

I grew up in a cluttered and dirty house and was embarrassed to bring friends home. Cluttered houses make me feel claustrophobic.

The OP's home sounds very cluttered to me, but I would never criticise the way other people chose to live if I was visiting them.

“I can tell you’re a feminist- sigh”. That sigh would be the end of it for me.

Moaning about your girlfriend invisibly marking your walls and stopping her show to dust her tv for 20 minutes while making negative comments about her lifestyle and reading material is pretty weird and controlling behaviour.

I’m glad you haven’t met the type of person who keeps their house clean and tidy specifically to satisfy their need for control, but they exist and this guy sounds like one of them.

Yeah this is it really. It’s a matter of personal taste and needs.

The OP's home sounds very cluttered to me, but I would never criticise the way other people chose to live if I was visiting them

Same.

Neither should be criticising the other - the only issue in this case as far as I’m concerned is the fact this man is very critical of OP and they’re not even in a relationship yet.

So I can imagine it would escalate if they were to enter a relationship and I suspect it would become a dynamic in other areas - Op desperately trying to meet his standards and him openly grading her efforts!

This man sounds uncannily like someone I know. How old is he OP?

I hope you’ve managed to part ways. It’s beyond rude to comment on someone else’s home, and his comments about you being a feminist are just You’d be much better off without this kind of person in your life.