I recently started dating a guy who initially seemed so promising, affectionate and ambitious (... if a little pedantic and reserved).
The first few dates went amazingly well. Lovely walk and a drink, then a dinner date, then on the third date, he invited me back to his place. He owns a very minimal, yet beautifully designed 3-bedroom house and garden. Impressive, yet spotless - every single item on display appears catalogue curated. I do remember being anxious at the time, as I wondered whether my quirky little rental apartment would size up. And I felt out of place and clumsy in this 'perfect' home.
For context, I live alone and adore my own apartment. It's a 1-bed Victorian rental conversion (not quite a privately owned 3-bed, but hey!) and it became a sanctum of my inner world after a very traumatic break up years ago. It's the first place I've ever lived alone and felt my own. I have all of my lovely vintage furniture in there, all my books and journals (I'm finishing a PhD), prints on the wall and loads of sentimental trinkets and objects from travels dotted around.
I also love doing art work in my free time, so my dining table is often loaded up with art materials and projects I'm working on.
Definitely tons of stuff that I need to donate/recycle - but the space is kept clean and is not piled up. I would call it 'busy'.
When I did invite him around, I sensed instantly that he was sizing it up. I guess it's not uncommon to be curious and have a nosy around when you first enter someone's place (I do the same), but there was something that felt off.
He flat out said, after 'inspecting' my apartment - "I didn't know you were a secret hoarder". I was really offended, but decided to brush it off. (Before cooking him a meal, yes, silly me...)
The second time that he arranged to came round, I ended up manically cleaning, tidying and decluttering before he arrived, because I was so on edge about him making another comment.
He saw the boxes laid out to go to the charity shop the next day and immediately commented "you see what I mean!"
He then proceeded to dry dust my TV and laptop unasked for the next 20 minutes, alongside making snide comments about my reading taste ("I can tell you're a feminist sighs".
When I've been around to his place since, I feel like I'm walking on eggshells. He already claims that I've scuffed the wall in two places, but can't confirm where..?
Obviously, I know these are red flags. I'm close to sacking things off with him, but it has made me paranoid that maybe, in fact, I am a slovenly person with hoarding tendencies??? I've always had a 'one in, on out' system for buying new items, but I do love surrounding myself with memories and interests. I guess this is just incompatible with some people. I do get that we have our own ways of living.
I worry because my parents are LEGIT hoarders i.e. there is one path that leads its way through the house because they have stacks upon stacks of miscellaneous items that they can't let go of at all - as in, it's emotionally unbearable for them to do so. And no one knows where the valuable/sentimental items are within the 'shite'. At one point, they were worried a rat had escaped into the mess... I know that I'll have to be helping out with some of that soon, so to be referred to as a 'secret hoarder' myself is a real blow.
Do I need to reassess my own living space and background, or can I just conclude that this recent dating partner is at best incompatible, at worst officious?