To be offended that a man I'm dating inspected my flat and criticised my belongings? Or am I a 'secret hoarder'?

[ByRoseSnake]

I recently started dating a guy who initially seemed so promising, affectionate and ambitious (... if a little pedantic and reserved).

The first few dates went amazingly well. Lovely walk and a drink, then a dinner date, then on the third date, he invited me back to his place. He owns a very minimal, yet beautifully designed 3-bedroom house and garden. Impressive, yet spotless - every single item on display appears catalogue curated. I do remember being anxious at the time, as I wondered whether my quirky little rental apartment would size up. And I felt out of place and clumsy in this 'perfect' home.

For context, I live alone and adore my own apartment. It's a 1-bed Victorian rental conversion (not quite a privately owned 3-bed, but hey!) and it became a sanctum of my inner world after a very traumatic break up years ago. It's the first place I've ever lived alone and felt my own. I have all of my lovely vintage furniture in there, all my books and journals (I'm finishing a PhD), prints on the wall and loads of sentimental trinkets and objects from travels dotted around.
I also love doing art work in my free time, so my dining table is often loaded up with art materials and projects I'm working on.
Definitely tons of stuff that I need to donate/recycle - but the space is kept clean and is not piled up. I would call it 'busy'.

When I did invite him around, I sensed instantly that he was sizing it up. I guess it's not uncommon to be curious and have a nosy around when you first enter someone's place (I do the same), but there was something that felt off.

He flat out said, after 'inspecting' my apartment - "I didn't know you were a secret hoarder". I was really offended, but decided to brush it off. (Before cooking him a meal, yes, silly me...)

The second time that he arranged to came round, I ended up manically cleaning, tidying and decluttering before he arrived, because I was so on edge about him making another comment.
He saw the boxes laid out to go to the charity shop the next day and immediately commented "you see what I mean!"
He then proceeded to dry dust my TV and laptop unasked for the next 20 minutes, alongside making snide comments about my reading taste ("I can tell you're a feminist sighs".

When I've been around to his place since, I feel like I'm walking on eggshells. He already claims that I've scuffed the wall in two places, but can't confirm where..?

Obviously, I know these are red flags. I'm close to sacking things off with him, but it has made me paranoid that maybe, in fact, I am a slovenly person with hoarding tendencies??? I've always had a 'one in, on out' system for buying new items, but I do love surrounding myself with memories and interests. I guess this is just incompatible with some people. I do get that we have our own ways of living.

I worry because my parents are LEGIT hoarders i.e. there is one path that leads its way through the house because they have stacks upon stacks of miscellaneous items that they can't let go of at all - as in, it's emotionally unbearable for them to do so. And no one knows where the valuable/sentimental items are within the 'shite'. At one point, they were worried a rat had escaped into the mess... I know that I'll have to be helping out with some of that soon, so to be referred to as a 'secret hoarder' myself is a real blow.

Do I need to reassess my own living space and background, or can I just conclude that this recent dating partner is at best incompatible, at worst officious?

OP, your place sounds great and so do you. I love places that have character and soul, art work, books, quirky souvenirs.

Id date you for your flat alone 😂

On a more serious note, if someone had an issue with my feminist books, they’d likely be out. Also, if you need to make yourself smaller, less creative, less intelligent, less sensitive or less opinionated, he is not the right guy.

Beautifully put

I wouldn't want to live my life walking on eggshells. He's very bold, making rude comments about your home and accusing you of scuffing his walls—all in this early stage of the relationship when he should be as eager to make a positive impression as you have been.

You're not compatible. Can you imagine what life would be like if you ever live together? You'd make one another miserable, unfortunately.

Op I would have shown him the door the first night you invited him around!

When I did invite him around, I sensed instantly that he was sizing it up. I guess it's not uncommon to be curious and have a nosy around when you first enter someone's place (I do the same), but there was something that felt off.
He flat out said, after 'inspecting' my apartment - "I didn't know you were a secret hoarder". I was really offended, but decided to brush it off. (Before cooking him a meal, yes, silly me...)

Whether you are a secret hoarder or not, I would have found his remark very offensive indeed and rude. The anti-feminist remark is a massive red flag too. And the scuffing the wall remarks??? What?

He needs a robot living with him not a flesh and blood woman.

He was a guest in your home for the first time. He was judgemental, unkind, rude, disrespectful, controlling and insulting.

And agree with pp, the fact that he felt so at ease offering his judgements so early on in the relationship is a massive red flag too.

You can live any way you choose to op as you are not sharing the place!

And long-term, guys like this are pains in the arses when it comes to the chaos of having dc.

He’s not remotely kind either.

So sorry you had this experience op 💐

I had to double check this was Mumsnet and not Mills and Boon

Could be both - that you are showing some tendencies towards it/not realising quite how visually intense the level of stuff may be due to it not being anywhere near as bad as your parents' house AND that this was an utter dickhead who needs to be binned long before a random trinket on the side does.

The second is the non negotiable, though. Bin him because he was straight into criticising you so freely.

indeed!
however,
you are female
you have not followed the spirit of the exchange
I was correct in my assessment

Are you sure he's not actually your landlord? 😁

I think I dated the same guy!

You'll soon tire of him following you around tutting and picking imaginary bits of mud off the floor where you trod on the actual carpet rather than the plastic he has covering it.

Bin for this one, I'd say.

I’d sack him off for the comment about feminism alone.

Im not willing to be around anyone that doesn’t see me as an equal. Feminism is, essentially, about men and women being equals.

Id tell my mother to feck off us she dry dusted my shit!

I’ve never heard the phrase dry dusting before. Is it regional? Dusting is just dusting. ‘Wet dusting’ is wiping.

He has OCD and sounds like an absolute nightmare as a result, sack him off. From the description, you are not a hoarder but an academic. I’m one too, we pretty much all have “busy” homes and offices- it comes with the territory.

Get rid of him. Imagine if it progressed and you lived together? You wouldn’t be allowed any of your trinkets on display, you’d constantly be on edge about making a mess or not clearing to his standards.

I like to display things that I have memories attached to. I have a nice glass jar with a pattern on that I bought from centre parks, whenever my daughters collect things when we’re out walking they put it in the jar. It’s got shells, stones and sea glass in it. He’d be horrified, but to me it represents my family, and the precious time we spent together, things that mattered enough for my daughters to pick up and want to bring home.

Enjoy the sanctuary that is your home, I think it sounds lovely! I’d quite like to see pictures!

He does sound a bit ocd and controlling. Unless he can curb this and you can tidy a bit you aren’t going to have much fun living together. Dusting your stuff is very antisocial. If you really like him, why not talk to him about it? If he sees you as the problem you have your answer. If he apologises and admits he has a problem and is willing to work on it it may be something you can work on.
I think many men, unless well educated in the humanities, may be put off by a stack
of feminist books tbh. In the same way that a stack of books about cars and football doesn’t especially appeal to a lot of women.

You like your flat. You like it the way it is

Life is waayyyyy too short for minimalist uptight A holes

But obviously, what everyone else said.

The accusation of scuffing his walls alarms me most. He really doesn’t want another living being in his home. And on some level he hates you and wants to punish / control you.

Sounds like if you carry on seeing him you'll be on pins all the time, dump him. He sounds like Saffys first husband in AbFab.

If you are worried about hoarding here is the link for hoarding disorders uk which has photos of different rooms and scaling of clutter, so you can compare your own home and compare hoardingdisordersuk.org/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/clutter-image-ratings.pdf

Funny I'm a virgo DH Aquarius I'm fairly tidy, whereas he's obsessed with the kitchen bleaching every work top every day. Not the bathroom, just the kitchen.

Gemini? The most judgemental,critical, back stabbing people i know are virgos and im not into star signs. They live in average houses but criticise people with nicer ones. One lives in a pig sty but puts others down. Itis funny you said virgo. No matter how perfect you are there's a Virgo who'll back stab you.

Oh do you even need to ask OP?

He sounds like a supercilious, narrow-minded twat.

FWIW I have a theory that excessively tidy houses ( with nothing to represent their many interests, nothing that they just feel an emotional attachment to, nothing that brings memories, nothing that they are keeping because they need to go back and re-read it, nothing that is there just because its beautiful or meaningful, nothing that is there because someone liked them enough to give it to them) tend to correlate pretty accurately with small-mindedness, and it sounds as though I've nailed it - in this instance at least.

These are useless!
The first couple of bunches leap from tediously tidy in Number 1 to appalling in number 2. And by the end ...😆

ETA Look at Number 9 on the last one!

He is disrespectful and undeserving of your time. Bin him off

Yeah but op did say that she’d spent the day cleaning so sorely the tv would have been cleaned.

so my eirrry would. That she’d spent the day cleaning and it was still dirty.

they obviously have different standards.

my house is definitely not minimal and it’s fairly clean all the time . But if I had someone coming over and I’d cleaned all day, it would be spotless.

i couldn’t live with someone who is happy in dirt.

Do I need to reassess my own living space and background, or can I just conclude that this recent dating partner is at best incompatible, at worst officious?

Both.