What do i do about this? Saying I didnt have abortion

[Wonderinwanderer]

I am not married but I will use MIL to save time/brainspace.
I had an abortion and my MIL has told my partner that I am lying as women today do not get surgical abortions, she "checked the NHS website". I feel so upset and distraught. He believes me of course but he let me know because she has been haranguing him about it. The worst part is that i was just starting to move on when this was thrown at me and its brought it all back up. I find it shocking and deeply upsetting. I dont know what I should do about it.

I would really question his motivation in passing on what she’s said. It sounds like a cowardly way of confronting you with something without it coming from him. As in, regardless of whether she said that, he’s bringing this to you for your response without becoming the bad guy.

I think there’s also a difference between a conversation with a reasonable expectation of privacy, and her calling you a liar to your face and making it your problem. Her loyalty lies with her son, and she may be mistrustful by default, who knows - it may not be personal. If he didn’t have such a big mouth you would be none the wiser.

Of course she's in the wrong, BUT, there was no reason for this to be passed on to you. It was an act of spite for your boyfriend to do this, he had literally no need to pass on his mother's nonsense.
Prioritise yourself and your needs.

Wow! The areshole apple didn't fall far from the arsehole tree! I'd be ditching the pair of them if I were you.

your partner has behaved badly on two counts.
1: telling his mother your intimidate business.
2: Relaying her unpleasant reaction to you - there was absolutely no good reason to do that.
He and his mum sound very foolish.

I think the posts saying you should leave your partner over this are a bit extreme. He made a mistake telling her in the heat of the moment - does he recognise his mistake? Does he realise he should not be telling her anything like this in future?

Provided he is 100% clear that he should not be sharing anything like this again, I would tell him you want nothing to do with MIL and leave it there. She is disgusting accusing you of lying about something like this and doesn’t deserve your forgiveness (or mental energy).

The problem, as many people have pointed out, is the boyfriend passing on information he knew would be extremely hurtful to OP. There's no need for him to have done this.

She is accusing you of lying. Your boyfriend knows that you are not a liar.

Personally, I wouldn't do anything about it. All that mattered to me would be my boyfriend. Let it go because this (or something else) will eventually come between him and his mother.

Think very carefully about proceeding with this relationship. You have a partner who blabs your business to his mother, and a spiteful MIL figure. Is he worth it? Do you want to stay with him? Is he going to accept you being NC, and what would happen if you had children?

MIL's comments are genuinely appalling and you are justified in going NC.

I hope you are recovering OK from your procedure. Take it easy on yourself - all this upset is the last thing you need.

They sound like an awful family tbh
Have a think about going forward with this relationship.

Your biggest problem is not her.
It is him.

He told her (even if it was in the heat of the moment).
But worse, he is reporting back to you what she has said to him.
Ask yourself why is he doing that?

Why is he telling you stuff that will upset you?
Why does he feel you need to know what your MIL thinks?

Is he trying to 'get everything out in the open' pending some future reconciliation, so that he no longer has to feel like piggy-in-the-middle?
Is he pathologically unable to keep his mouth shut and be tactful?
Does he give your MIL a shred of agreement? Does he believe her?

The solution is A. to see MIL as little as you like, right up to totally cutting her out of your life and B. watch DH like a hawk for any signs that he does not 100% have your back, or does not have the emotional maturity to cope with his mother.

Agree with this.
However, the MIL also sounds vindictive and nasty (and, frankly, like she hasn't got much going on in her life).
I'd tell DP you won't be seeing or speaking to her again. Let him deal with it.

Have you asked her what she thinks you’d stand to gain by lying about an abortion?

You should definitely consider is being with her son worth having her in your life.

Well. She sounds absolutely horrible, but your partner sounds like a big mouthed idiot. I wouldn’t have anything to do with her again and honestly I’d be questioning my relationship with him too.

I’ve not read full thread so others may have said this but I suspect his mother hasn’t said anything of the sort and that he’s using it as a smoke screen to voice his thoughts/concerns but is too cowardly to do it outright.

No she has form for this kind of thing, just not against me

What I would do is tell my partner not to share my personal medical information with his mother and to stop updating you on her nasty comments and to shut them down when she says them. I'd also consider going non contact with her and whether I want to keep a partner who has caused you so much emotional distress.

She sounds like she's completely off her head

Ask her what she thinks happens when someone has an unwanted pregnancy?! And tell her you didn't say what type of abortion it was. Frankly I'd be also telling her she's got something wrong with her and to fuck off permanently.

I would probably not be speaking to her again, ever, because she is clearly fucking nuts.

I would also expect my DP to be having a very, very stern word with her and making it clear that her behaviour is mad and unacceptable and he won't put up with it.

So she is unhinged?

Block her and tell your dp you dont want to hear any of negative thongs she hs to say.

Stay clear of crazy mil

What on earth does she think you gained by pretending to have an abortion?

I can sympathise OP - I have batshit in-laws too, I’m completely NC with them. If you’re in the early years of your relationship then I’d run - trust me, even if you don’t see them they create chaos in the background.

DP is hardly the innocent in all this.
Not only did he blab his partner's very private and personal business to his mother, he actually tried to justify her reasons for snubbing his mum...which were all imaginary anyway.

He then ran back and recounted his mother's nasty ramblings to his partner, who has just been through a traumatic event.

He has a big mouth and no empathy.

This is why it’s important to consider wider familial relationships when deciding on a partner.

This would be enough for me to end the relationship - how can you have this bollocks in your life for the foreseeable future?

I think she probably read that a pretty common way of doing it is to get pills, however I didnt have this option because of complications 😪