Sorry this is long but I need to get it off my chest because I am at the end of my tether with the pair of them.
DP and I have been together for 14 years, we got together when we were both 15, so I’ve known Ben for pretty much his whole life.. He’s 22 now. They have the same dad but different mums. His mum was DP’s stepmum and she died when Ben was about 12. Their dad died last year.
So this isn’t a case of me only knowing Ben as an adult or not understanding the family history. I’ve seen this behaviour for years and years and if anything it’s got worse as he’s got older.
Ben has always been the golden child. Their dad absolutely worshipped him and made excuses for him no matter what he did. If Ben lied, it was because someone had put him under pressure. If he was horrible to somebody, they’d obviously done something to deserve it. If he messed something up, it was never really his fault. DP was always expected to be the sensible one and keep the peace.
The difference in how they were treated was obvious even when they were younger. DP wasn’t allowed to get away with things in the same way. He was expected to know better, behave himself and not cause problems, whereas Ben could do practically anything and his dad would find a reason to excuse it. I think DP has spent so long being the responsible one that he doesn’t even realise how much he still does it now.
Ben went to private school and did badly in his exams. His dad blamed the school and his teachers. DP didn’t go to private school, by the way. Ben was given opportunities and chances that DP wasn’t, yet somehow he was still the one whose behaviour everyone had to work around.
He’s never been able to hold down a job, relationships don’t last and he has never managed to live independently for very long without everything turning into a disaster. He can be absolutely horrible and cruel to people, particularly when they tell him no. He will turn on people, say some really nasty things and cut them off if they don’t do what he wants. Then when he needs something, suddenly everyone is expected to forget what he’s said and done.
Most of the family have had enough of him and keep their distance now. I don’t blame them. I’ve seen how he treats people who try to help him, and he can be genuinely nasty. He doesn’t just get stroppy for five minutes when he doesn’t get his own way. He can be spiteful and deliberately hurtful, and afterwards he seems to think everyone else is unreasonable for being upset with him.
DP, for reasons I honestly cannot understand anymore, is still there picking up the pieces every single time.
Their dad owned a family business and when he died last year he left the whole thing to Ben. Not DP, not jointly, just Ben. I don’t know what his dad was thinking. I can only assume he thought Ben would somehow grow up and get his act together if he was given something important to be responsible for.
Honestly, I wouldn’t trust Ben with the responsibility of looking after a dog, never mind running an entire business. I genuinely don’t understand what his dad was thinking leaving it all to him when he’s spent his whole life showing he can’t manage basic responsibilities. And now everyone else is left dealing with the consequences.
The business is going downhill rapidly. Ben has absolutely no idea what he’s doing and seems to think being the owner means he can do whatever he likes without having to deal with the boring parts of actually running a business. Staff are looking for other jobs, things are being left until the last minute and from what DP has told me, it is getting very close to going under.
DP has spent an unbelievable amount of time, money and energy trying to help him. And I don’t mean he’s just given him the odd bit of advice or helped him out once or twice. He’s put so much into trying to keep Ben afloat, both financially and practically. He’s dropped things he’s doing to sort out Ben’s latest crisis, spent hours talking him through things and tried to help him make better decisions. He’s given him chances and tried to explain things to him, only for Ben to ignore him and then expect him to come running when it all goes wrong.
The latest incident was Ben driving the works van while drunk and crashing it. I told DP he needs to leave him to deal with the consequences for once. I’m not saying he should never speak to his brother again, but there is a difference between supporting someone and constantly rescuing them from situations they have created themselves.
Of course, Ben then rang DP crying, saying he was stressed, couldn’t cope and didn’t want to be here anymore.
Now obviously I don’t want anything to happen to him and I’m not suggesting DP should ignore a genuine concern for his safety. But this is how it always goes. Ben does something awful, everything starts falling apart, he gets upset and DP drops everything to sort it out.
DP has been doing all sorts for the business lately, sorting out paperwork, calling clients and trying to work out what needs doing because Ben hasn’t been dealing with things properly. It’s an absolute mess and DP is trying to hold it together on top of his own full-time job. He’s putting in hours of work and using his own time to sort out something that isn’t even his business.
The really frustrating thing is that DP has actually tried to find a solution to the business situation. He has asked Ben to sign the business over to him so he can take responsibility for running it properly before it goes completely under. He’s told him he can still work there and have a job in the business, he just wouldn’t be the owner anymore.
I thought this was a reasonable compromise considering the state of things. Ben would still have an income and a place in the business, but somebody who actually knows what they’re doing could take over and try to save it. DP isn’t suggesting that Ben has to disappear or never work there again. He’s trying to prevent the whole thing from collapsing.
Ben absolutely freaked out. Apparently DP is trying to steal his inheritance, thinks he’s better than him and wants to take everything away from him. He’s furious with DP despite the fact DP is the one who has spent all this time trying to stop the business collapsing in the first place.
And now, after all the help DP has given him, Ben has told him that he’ll deal with everything himself, that DP needs to fuck off and leave him alone and that he never wants to speak to him again. He’s blocked him.
You’d think DP would finally accept that Ben doesn’t want his help and leave him to it, wouldn’t you? But no. DP is now planning to go and see him after work tonight because he’s worried about him and wants to make sure he’s ok. He’s going to come home late because of it.
And I know that might sound petty, but it’s really got to me. I’ve watched DP give this boy so much of his time, money and energy, and the minute DP suggests taking over because the business is in such a state, Ben turns on him and cuts him off. Yet DP is still prepared to go chasing after him to make sure he’s alright.
I do understand that Ben has lost both his mum and dad, and I don’t want to dismiss that. I also don’t want anything to happen to him, especially after what he’s said about not wanting to be here anymore. But DP can’t be the only person responsible for keeping him together, particularly when Ben is treating him so badly.
This is what I mean about him. He wants the status of being the owner but doesn’t seem to want the responsibility that comes with it. Yet the minute someone suggests a practical solution, suddenly they’re the enemy. He would rather risk losing the whole business than accept that somebody else might be better placed to run it.
I’ve told DP he cannot keep doing this. If Ben refuses help and wants to carry on making his own decisions then he has to accept that those decisions have consequences. DP cannot spend the rest of his life trying to save him.
I also think there is possibly something seriously wrong with Ben, although I don’t know whether it’s something underlying or whether he’s simply never had to face consequences for anything. I’m not a professional and I’m not trying to diagnose him. I’ve known him since he was a child and I genuinely don’t remember a time when he could accept being told no without making it everyone else’s problem.
I do wonder whether losing his mum so young and then his dad last year has affected him more than anyone realises. I’m not heartless and I know he’s had losses. But his behaviour started long before his dad died, and I don’t think we can blame everything on grief. His dad spent years making excuses for him and now DP seems to have taken over where their dad left off.
It’s starting to affect our relationship because I’m fed up of watching DP exhaust himself over someone who treats him like dirt half the time. I feel awful saying that because they’ve lost their dad and DP is clearly worried about his brother, but I also feel like our life is being dragged down by Ben’s endless problems.
I’ve been with DP since we were teenagers. We’ve grown up together and built our life together, and I don’t want his relationship with his brother to become something that comes between us. But I am starting to resent the amount of time, money and energy DP gives Ben, particularly when Ben shows so little respect for him in return.
I’ve said all of this to DP and he gets defensive. He says Ben is his brother and he can’t just leave him to it when he’s struggling. I understand that, I really do, but where does it end?
If the business goes under, what happens next? Will DP be expected to sort that out too? I can genuinely see this carrying on for years, with Ben making one mess after another and DP feeling he has to rescue him and i am starting to resent both of them