DH is the main course in his family's bully buffet

[DragonSoupMaker]

My DH feeds his parents and siblings behaviour. Perhaps that is a harsh thing to say, but that is the conclusion I have come to.

It has been happening for decades now. I met DH at 21, which was quite young, and I have never once seen my PIL or his sibling do anything for him. No parenting, no help finanicially or practically - nothing. On the other hand his sibling has had loads of money given to them, and loads of practical help.

PIL used to drive past our road and go fix up siblings house (no DC) and mow their grass whilst we struggled with young DC. We have had no help with the DC or anything, but of course, we aren't entitled to it.

Even though his sibling is clearly the favourite, they constantly emotionally blackmail my DH. Recently at a family gathering FIL said something in my absence about DH and his sibling, I wasn't there, but when I came back complete strangers where consoling my DH saying "I'm sure he didn't mean it like that and is proud of you, cares about you too". I mean WTF.

They are super rude to me, and have now started being off with my DC. Sibling recently did something that I find quite unforgivable towards my DC and my DH was really annoyed with them. However, then he gets on the phone to them to congratulate them on their 15th Wedding Anniversary as if nothing has happened. Sibling feels very emboldened when sitting there with PIL and knows they will defend them if stood up to.

It seems to me that PIL and my DH's siblings are allowed to treat the people in my family (me, DH, DC) badly and there are no consequences. My family are not perfect but I do call them out instantly and tell them and then that is it. They usually say sorry, and don't do it again.

It seems that I will be waiting for my DH to grow a backbone WRT them. It does affect me and the DC though so "I" need to do something. My DH takes the path of least resistance. He must have sat there and said to himself "They are now targeting my DC with their nonsense and I don't like it, but I better call them and see if they are OK and wish them a happy anniversary or they will be upset and I don't want to cause any trouble".

IRL there is no way I would take this crap off anyone else, and I have held back as I didn't want to upset my DH or didn't want to kick off in front of my DC. However, I can see that my DH has had loads of chances to pull them up and nip it in the bud, didn't, and now we have a situation where they think they can say and do what they like to me, him and my DC.

I don't think I can change my DH, but what can I do? They are not welcome in my house again and I have told DH this, but it is only a matter of time before he caves. I feel I need to do something but not sure what.

AIBU to think DH isn't going to change and that he is actually serving himself up as the main course for their bullying.

YANBU but you can’t change your in laws, you can only change your reaction.

As a first step, could you go low contact and DH can see his family if he wants to?

Once you stop expecting anything from them and don’t put any expectations on yourself of maintaining the relationship, then you may stop caring as much.

There are hundreds of threads on here where people who are in your dh's position have posted. Society conditions you to "love" your family, even if they are completely shit towards you.

Your husband is hoping beyond hope thst one day things will change and they will appreciate him as much as his brother. The sister in "Dirty Dancing " is in the same boat and says as much.

Unfortunately, it never does and perhaps you need to talk to your husband, perhaps get him counciling to see this.

My wife is in a similar if not so bad position. Her mother's first thoughts are always about her sister. We buy something "oo do you think A would like one " and if we didn't put the idea down, mil would buy it for her, no matter that she let us buy our own stuff.

My wife knows that deep down her mum does care for her, which clearly you fil in particular doesn't for his son. But thats fil's loss.

Poor man

but yes pull yourself and the kids away as much as you can

I don’t know if telling him you support him whatever but you are so glad hes a much better dad and man than his parents - despite his parents - would help him be proud of himself and help him to pull away

You need to start standing up for yourself and your children, or you go nc. Why would you allow your children to be exposed to this and not say anything? You’re literally pussy footing around trying not to upset your dh, but now your children are being treated badly you have to do something- either push back or pull back.

And I know I sound a bit harsh, but I’ve been in a similar situation with my in-laws and I also kept quiet for the sake of my dh. However, once I saw our children being exposed to this (even though they were too young to understand what was going on or even be aware of it) I realised that I had to react in some way for their sake. They deserved more. So I pulled away completely from all of them and limited the contact the dc had with them (with the exception of my MIL who is lovely).

I agree with PP. Take a huge step back and make yourself and the DC less available for the abuse.

You can't change your DH so you have two options really - pull back and leave him to deal with his family, stay away and protect your children. Or leave (but this means your children will probably spend time with their father's family when they're with him)

It's sad that your husband still continues to engage with people who treat him badly. But ultimately, that's his choice. You also have the choice to not spend time with them.

Stop taking on drama you don't need too, leave them to it and stand up fpr yourself if you need too or just ignore them

Why do you need to involve yourself?

I'd recommend you encourage your husband to get some therapy. It's a really hard thing to accept that your family don't actually like you as much as a sibling and without therapy he will take any crumbs of affection of signs that they do like him / things will change

I was in the same position as your husband. Its very difficult for him because he has this conflicting thoughts. On 1 hand I wanted to support my husband and child, then there is the pressure of family. Societal pressure is that you only have 1 family, look after them no matter how bad they treat you. You dont have that emotional tie because they are not your parents. They are not your blood. It took me til I was 38 to realise this is not fair, normal or helping me mentally. Ive been estranged for 15yrs. Its a hard road to go down. Emotionally it is devastating. Plus you are denying your child their grandparents. Its not a black and white situation. Infact I had a nervous breakdown. Its awful. He knows what they are doing, hes not blind or blase. I say he is going through mental turmoil. Navigating it is not easy to brush off. It is deeply painful knowing your parents do not really like you or even love you. Go easy on him.

Tell dh to grow a fucking pair ! Id have little respect or attraction to such a sap..
Your dc need to see him as an example

It’s hard though because I am the first person to stick up for myself or my kids in the rest of our lives. In fact, I’d say that I’m not someone who is generally picked on in any situation because I’ve got quite a strong personality. It’s hard to sit there and keep quiet.

I once sat at a lunch my DH made and my MIL “forbade” everyone to eat it. My FIL and the sibling sat there and obeyed. I then instructed my DC to eat and I told my DH it was great. I mean, who acts like this.

I think what’s also shifted is that I’m older now, and my DC are older. I don’t feel the need to keep the peace. I always had it in my mind that my DH would choose them over us (out of fear) but now I kind of don’t care. That’s not because I don’t love him. I do, and his quiet passive personality is actually one of his positive traits. They put the fear up me too I guess. They have zero influence or power over my DC and so I don’t have anything to lose now. If my DH wants to go offer himself up on a sacrificial plate that’s up to him.

Your post is helpful though because I hear him say he’s upset with them, but if I highlight their behaviour he gets defensive and says something about my family. When he does I just say “yes, I know mine do X. That’s why I told them off and they’ve apologised”. But he can’t say this as he’s never pulled them up. Once when I had words with them, many years ago, he said “you’re both as bad as each other”, when I literally had done nothing, and just stuck up for myself.

He has grown up with this behaviour. It is going to take time for him to recognise the pattern and from there, it is a huge leap to calling it out and enforcing boundaries.

that doesn’t mean you can’t.

You tell your DH you and DC have put up with enough. You all take a step back.

he can continue his relationships as he wishes but he needs to respect that they are not welcome in your home anymore UNTIL you all see some real, meaningful change

I’m sorry but you have a DH problem, not an in-laws problem. He needs to grow a back bone. And if he won’t then he can see them on his own away from from your home. The only thing you need to do and make yourself perfectly clear to your DH what your boundaries are and stick to them to protect yourself and your children. His family is for him to manage, not you.

Personally I would drop the rope with them completely. If dinners etc are organised, you decline and don’t go. The children are older so I’d give them the choice whether to go or not. You’re not stopping DH from going. You just don’t want to spend time with people who are unkind to you and your family.
You have to do this with calmness, not anger. You’re done with them. They no longer take up your emotional and mental energy.

Observe how he reacts. He may beg you to come. He may get angry (good he has some anger he’s just directing it at you rather than the people who deserve it). If he doesn’t go if you don’t, what does that say?

One important thing. Don’t point out their faults and stop getting angry on his behalf. If you say what’s wrong or express the emotion he gets to sit back and say it’s both sides. He needs to feel the hurt and upset, not outsource it to you to express. If he doesn’t mention that they have upset him you can say, something like that’s rough, and then change the subject. Don’t be tempted to analyse it. Let him sit in the uncomfortable feeling. It is not for you to solve.

At some point he will probably need therapy to unpick this. But first he needs to experience his family without his wife and children there shielding him.

I feel your frustration OP and how sad it's making you that DH doesn't stand up to them but instead you have to watch him being hurt and humiliated again and again. Horrible for all of you.

It very obviously isn't as simple as the "tell him to grow a pair" posts on here - this is a behaviour pattern likely in place since childhood. Counselling would be good but he would need to get to a point of being receptive to it first..... this is very ingrained for him and some of his "denial" of it is probably just survival instincts to protect his mental health and his emotions, learned over many, many years of being treated like this.

For you, for now and going forwards I would say work out what you can change eg: how much or if at all you and DC see them and what you can't eg: the actual bullying behaviour. And also what you want to achieve and what's realistic to achieve. So - removing you and DC from their nastiness - can do, change DH's attitude - might be a cannot.

And if he does cave and invites them to your house just don't interact with them - I wouldn't give them the satisfaction of making me go out to avoid them, I'd just stay home but ignore them, read in bed, have a bath, wash your hair whatever. Equally I wouldn't have a row with him about it because that could prompt another "you're as bad as them" comment. Grey rock is better strategy than confrontation. Just show your DH that no means no when it comes to their behaviour. Good luck.

My sibling is the clear favourite and gets oodles of free childcare and allowances.

I bide my time and when parents care needs increase I will ensure sibling provides care on the same ratio.

A polite distance.

That is one of the issues that we have now. PIL think that DH and I should be bending over backwards to entertain them in their old age and help them out.

Sibling is getting resentful to DH and I (and DC) as they feel that we are not doing our bit. I am not lifting a finger for any of them. Sibling has had all the goodies, so can repay them now. Also, I have never once had a seconds help from them with my DC. They are now older and so any free time I have will be spent working and on my hobbies, not on my PIL. My DH can go over and help whenever he likes, but he doesn't.

@DragonSoupMaker I get where you are coming from and its because you are on the outside looking in. If you met me, im loud, speak my mind and will no take bs from anyone but put me in the family circle and im aged 9 again being told off and controlled by my parents, they have an emotional hold over me no one else has and can hurt me in the most painful way. See being a good daughter in society means being there for them, after all you only have 1 mum and dad, they have sacrificed everything for you. Dont underestimate how powerful this is. You start to think yes i am the problem, I am this way or that way. Like your husband its like living in a cult, Everyone knows their part and you dont deviate. Its only because they pushed my buttons over the death of my own child I lost my shit. I exploded. 38yrs of shit came out of my mouth. If you work with abused children they all say they love their parents, as an outsider you,d think how, why, wtf they abused you, but its the power of the parental bond and the pressure society puts on you.

Yes the dinner thing is fucked up and if i was there as a guest I would be saying wtf is going on here, your husband is being abused. Its great he has you as a powerful person to show him reality. Expecting him to just go you are right and walking away or shouting at them will be very difficult for him. Dont confuse it as weak because you have to have incredibke strength to put up with this shit. Its extremely painful. Im a strong person but i ended up having a nervous breakdown, ive had counselling but its taken me yrs to come to terms with. Its been 15yrs since it all blew up and only now can i talk about it with indifference. You are dealing with something powerful.

I understand why you feel so fed up with it, because it should be so easy. Someone abuses you but you keep going back for more. Why cant you see it and stop it. You are a man ffs, but in that family he is a little boy trapped. You would never say that to a domestic abuse victim, they are getting physically abused. But they go back. Your husband is being emotionally abused. There is no easy solution here. Keeping distance is the onky solution I could find which helps day to day with family life but personally it doesnt help overall, everyone wants family, birthdays, happy times, xmas you are bombarded with pictures of happy families, we dont have that, whats wrong with me. I am the problem, if I comply with their requests I will earn their love but it never works, never happens and the cycle continues. Your husband needs counselling, support. Admitting it is very hard, even to this day I wont believe it as abuse but on the outside in its abuse, emotional abuse.

Kind of the opposite of a lot of posts about parents favouring a son over a daughter. Regardless of sex, it's not ok, but I wonder if people victim blame more because he's a man, like so many male victims of abuse get told to "man up"? Either way, he was a child, and abuse victims don't always act in what you maybe think is a rational way.
Ideally you'd have challenged this years ago, but I get why you'd at first think it wasn't on you. But now, for your husband and your kids, challenge everything. Take your husband for counselling so he can move beyond the scared child he is inside. Tell your in-laws how things are, are walk out/hang up any time they're mean.

I have sympathy for people who were raised in emotionally abusive family dynamics, but I will admit that I have difficulty respecting anyone who allows their own children to be mistreated by grandparents or aunts/uncles. It's not easy to do, but you have to try to break the cycle.

If your husband can't or won't do it then it's up to you to protect your children and yourself as much as possible.

@SumptuousPecanNougat would you say that to a woman whose being physically abused?
when you are emotiinally abused alot of it is denial, you just cant quite believe your parents are like they are. You are completely brainwashed, like in a cult. Its not a conscious decision. Its not I see that as abuse and challenge it, when they see it its not abuse because its become the norm, this is just what we do in our family. This is how its been like forever. Now op has come along and challenged that just like my husband would say thats strange behaviour, im like is it. You then justify it, almost get offended. How dare you, this is my family, yes but they are odd, they are not normal.
The situation then is not as black and white like physical abuse, emotional abuse is sly comments no one else hears, scapgoating, the golden child, gaslighting, making out you are too sensitive or are a liar, literally a mind fuck, can make you think you are crazy. Your reality is called into question.

I don’t think gender is relevant here, nor do I think comparing to a cult is accurate. A cult following only continues because they believe and it is unchallenged. OP has pointed out to her husband what the problems are and he chosen not to believe the woman he married and had children with, who has shown what the correct behaviour is, and as far as I can tell, isn’t denying that. He isn’t acting the same way with his children so he know it is wrong.

I can understand why anyone living in the middle of an abusive relationship struggles to leave, even when their children are being abused. But this man has left his family, he has the choice to move on. He has decided his relationship with his parents is more important that his relationship with his wife and children. I don’t see why anyone should make excuses for him on that.

Your dh won't protect his kids but you can.

I do sympathise, it's hard to see it and it's hard to act.

My mum was like this, horrendous to me and dh. I protected dh and told my mum she was no longer welcome in our home. For the last 2 years of our relationship I would see her at her house or cafes (with dd).

Then she started on dd and I remember making a thread about it and people told me I had to go NC with her and protect/safeguard dd. And I did. Never saw her again.

I think it would be more than reasonable to say to dh that they don't come to your home and the kids don't go to their home. Your dh can do what he wants on his own.

You’ve perfectly described my dh relationship with his family.

pil massively favour sil. Every conversation turns back to her. None of dh success has ever even been acknowledged by them but sil is constantly praised. When our dc came along pil were involved, until sil got pregnant and they were dropped. Our youngest was very unwell and was in hospital for weeks at a time having treatment. They didn’t visit once, but actually were in the hospital visiting sil as she’d given birth. They gave full time childcare, days out, holidays, financial help, renovated her house. Dh was never even given a catch up phone call. It was always him contacting them. I actually had to ask another family member if he’d done something terrible for them to treat him this way. He hadn’t. So for years and years I’ve watched him begging for crumbs from his parents while I withdrew with our dc.

years on and dc are adults, have nothing to do with in-laws. But dh is now the golden child. Because he’s the one who’s helping to care for them now they’re frail. On top of a full time job. We barely see him as they have him running around. But he’s the good boy now and he’s loving it. Meanwhile I’m seething and it’s effecting our marriage.

it’s puzzled me for years. I’ve been so angry that he never stuck up for our children and I feel sorry for him and the way they treated him all his life. I wish he’d wake up!

withdrawing with our dc helped me. If dh talked about them I’d just say sorry I don’t want to know. He was hurt but he understood why.

families are strange

I would massively reduce yours and dcs involvement. It’s not great for your kids to be involved in they are not missing anything. Leave your dh to make his choices.