I feel like I'm competing with another woman for my own husband's attention, and I don't know if I'm being unreasonable

[Soofiaa]

I'm writing this in a bit of a confused state, so bear with me haha. This post is for Some advice and vent

I'm 35F and my husband is also 35. I know this is a mostly UK-based forum, although we're actually living in Paris. We have two kids, a 5-year-old boy and a 3-year-old girl, and we both work. My husband works for a big US-based multinational company (can't really name it), and I own my own business. We're doing well financially, so that's not really an issue.

He's a good husband and father, and we're very much in love. We also have a good sex life, and I genuinely find him attractive. He's never really given me a reason to doubt him, which is probably why I'm struggling to understand why I feel this way.

I'm slim and in good shape, even after two pregnancies, although obviously that hasn't been easy. I run my own business, which takes up a lot of my time, and then there's the kids and everything that comes with being a mum. I manage it all pretty well, or at least I think I do. I don't even know what I'm trying to say here haha, but I think part of me sometimes wonders whether I'm enough for him.

Anyway, there's a woman at his workplace who's 29, single, works in management and also models. She comes from a wealthy family as well. My husband is senior to her in the company hierarchy, but they've been working together for around two years now.

I've met her three or four times, and she's always been perfectly nice to me, so I can't exactly say she's done anything openly inappropriate. My issue is that they're quite close. They work together every day, so obviously they need to communicate, and I understand that. But sometimes they go to dinner after work, travel together for work events, and she invites us to her brother's wedding or events at her home.

Another thing I've noticed is that whenever she's around me and the kids, she seems to take on this almost maternal role with my children. I don't know if that's just her being friendly, but it sometimes feels a little strange to me.

I've also seen photos of them standing quite close together, with his hands around her waist or them looking particularly comfortable with each other. Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but it does make me wonder.

The thing that really got me thinking was when I looked at their chats. There were some random deleted messages, with normal, non cheating conversations before and after them. I didn't see anything that directly suggested cheating, but the deleted messages have been playing on my mind.

I honestly don't know what to make of their relationship. Maybe they're just close colleagues and friends, and I'm making something out of nothing. But even if nothing physical or romantic has happened, sometimes their closeness makes me feel like I'm competing with her.

And I hate that feeling.

She's younger, unmarried, has a successful career and models on the side. Meanwhile, I'm a mother of two, running a business and trying to balance everything. I know I'm doing well for myself, and I actually earn more than my husband, so this isn't about needing him financially or feeling dependent on him. I also have male and female clients through my work, and I get attention from men sometimes. But I know where my boundaries are, and I never turn that attention into something more.

That's partly why this bothers me. I don't think having friends of the opposite sex is wrong, and I'm not asking my husband to stop working with women. But sometimes I feel like whatever he has with this woman goes beyond an ordinary professional relationship, even though I can't point to anything concrete and say, 'This is definitely wrong.'

The frustrating part is that my husband gives me attention, makes me feel loved, and has never really made me feel neglected. I'm not someone who constantly needs reassurance, and I'm not a people pleaser in our relationship either.

Yet somehow, I still find myself comparing myself to her.

I love my husband, I'm attracted to him, and I don't want anybody else. I could easily entertain attention from other men if I wanted to, but I don't. I want my husband, and I want to feel secure in my marriage.

I don't want to start unnecessary arguments or become the stereotypical insecure wife who sees every woman as a threat. At the same time, I don't want to ignore something that's genuinely inappropriate just because I'm afraid of looking insecure.

I suppose I'm trying to figure out whether this is my own insecurity getting the better of me, or whether their level of closeness would make other people uncomfortable too.

mhhhh deleted chats, arms around her waist….. sorry but something is going on

How did you come to be looking at their chats @Soofiaa ?

I think that massively sways how to handle it.

If you were snooping then you kind of lose the moral high ground but if you had reason to be viewing their chats with your DH's blessing (I can't think of a good reason your DH would tell you to go through their chats?) then raise your concerns.

However if you snooped, be prepared for your DH to throw this back in your face?

I would hire a private investigator.

I've also seen photos of them standing quite close together, with his hands around her waist

This is really not ok. If a work colleague put his had around my waist he'd be facing a sexual harassment complaint.

Ngl her acting maternal to my kids in this context with all the other stuff would really get my back up. I don’t know if it’s because I’m a bit territorial but I’d be thinking get your own kids and husband you rat! I don’t think you’re wrong to be suspicious and I would be keeping an eye on things.

Mumsnet is obsessed with cheating, no matter what yoh post people will say he’s cheating or wants to be,

but I don’t think this is about your husband, or their relationship, I think it’s you’re jealous of her as a person, her looks, succces, age, and you compare yourself and come up lacking, due to some insecurity,

you shouldn’t feel fhis way, but I don’t think this is about them, it’s about you

It depends on the person and how they are with others, but if my husband was standing with his arm around the waist of another woman that would be cause for concern, simply because he isn't that 'touchy' with friends. The deleted messages would also make me uncomfortable.

It depends in group photos I have done this, had it done to me, or when posing for a photo with a colleague, both male and female, it genuinely means nothing,

Her being maternal with your children is a red flag for me. That’s exactly the behaviour that sent my spidey senses into action with the exH. I was correct in my suspicions.

What boundaries could she put in place??

I'd be up for reading that thread though, if anyone cares to write it!

Honestly for me the dinners would be a "non."

Lunch is one thing, but by dinner time he could be eating en famille.

And no hands on waists or other touchy fondling. The "Phillipe or Henri" test is generally a good one.

I would feel just like you OP - in fact I’d probably feel 10x worse and would have to discuss it with H at length.
I see red flags here tbh - hope I’m wrong.

Ps …..I know this makes me a horrible person but it’s never 65 year old Brenda from accounts is it (who has never modelled a day in her life) AND I bet he doesn’t take 65 year old Dennis from accounts to dinner either! Although Dennis has modelled but it was for knitting patterns back in the day

And although he did put his arms round Dennis and squeeze, that was the Heimlich manoeuvre when Dennis choked on brioche.

I think we need more info about the deleted messages. Was it just one here and there or whole threads deleted? I sometimes delete WhatsApp’s to my boss because I’ve solved the issue before he’s even read it. Everything seems fine on the surface but not if there are loads of deleted messages. That obviously is hiding something.

It indicates other issues in the relationship IMO I’d agree with this in so far as the husband is a walking cliche in terms of who he’s decided to be friends with and he either hasn’t thought about his wife’s opinion of his hands on another woman’s waist, or their dinner dates, or he has thought and decided he’s going to do it anyway. That’s why this sort of shit needs to be stamped on very firmly. Because if you give him an opportunity to act like the problem lays with his wife instead of him, he’s going to take it. That’s what weak men do.

If she tells him that he’s damaging their marriage and he’s still not prepared to put his wife before some random woman he happens to share an office with (irrespective of whether he feels he’s been inappropriate or not), then it’s time for the OP to decide whether that’s a deal breaker for her or not.

Barring any attempts to sabotage friendships or control your spouse’s relationships with others in any way, which is obviously a huge problem, your spouse is supposed to come before your colleagues. If he’s willing to put a friendship with a colleague before the very real feelings of his wife, then that’s a big problem.

Have you tried retrieving the deleted texts? Most people don’t know that you need to delete from the deleted file for them to be fully deleted - it’s easy - click on 3 dots in at the top of the deleted texts folder - then retrieve messages option.

It never is

I agree with this OP, and think it is well expressed.

Don't be walked over because you feel embarrassed to speak out.

I wouldn't be happy about this situation.

There is a bunch on MN - often dubbed the "cool wives" - who are always at pains to say it is controlling, or neurotic or uncool to object, but that's usually because they are the very women who want to benefit from these sorts of dynamics.

It's your marriage. If an outsider is making you unhappy or upset in it, then that's a good enough reason to raise it.

True

Agreed. It's like she's lining herself up to be their stepmother.

get your own kids and husband you rat!

😂Exactly!

A boundary is something you set for yourself. So she couldn't say my boundary is you don't go for dinners with other women.