I feel like I'm competing with another woman for my own husband's attention, and I don't know if I'm being unreasonable

[Soofiaa]

I'm writing this in a bit of a confused state, so bear with me haha. This post is for Some advice and vent

I'm 35F and my husband is also 35. I know this is a mostly UK-based forum, although we're actually living in Paris. We have two kids, a 5-year-old boy and a 3-year-old girl, and we both work. My husband works for a big US-based multinational company (can't really name it), and I own my own business. We're doing well financially, so that's not really an issue.

He's a good husband and father, and we're very much in love. We also have a good sex life, and I genuinely find him attractive. He's never really given me a reason to doubt him, which is probably why I'm struggling to understand why I feel this way.

I'm slim and in good shape, even after two pregnancies, although obviously that hasn't been easy. I run my own business, which takes up a lot of my time, and then there's the kids and everything that comes with being a mum. I manage it all pretty well, or at least I think I do. I don't even know what I'm trying to say here haha, but I think part of me sometimes wonders whether I'm enough for him.

Anyway, there's a woman at his workplace who's 29, single, works in management and also models. She comes from a wealthy family as well. My husband is senior to her in the company hierarchy, but they've been working together for around two years now.

I've met her three or four times, and she's always been perfectly nice to me, so I can't exactly say she's done anything openly inappropriate. My issue is that they're quite close. They work together every day, so obviously they need to communicate, and I understand that. But sometimes they go to dinner after work, travel together for work events, and she invites us to her brother's wedding or events at her home.

Another thing I've noticed is that whenever she's around me and the kids, she seems to take on this almost maternal role with my children. I don't know if that's just her being friendly, but it sometimes feels a little strange to me.

I've also seen photos of them standing quite close together, with his hands around her waist or them looking particularly comfortable with each other. Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but it does make me wonder.

The thing that really got me thinking was when I looked at their chats. There were some random deleted messages, with normal, non cheating conversations before and after them. I didn't see anything that directly suggested cheating, but the deleted messages have been playing on my mind.

I honestly don't know what to make of their relationship. Maybe they're just close colleagues and friends, and I'm making something out of nothing. But even if nothing physical or romantic has happened, sometimes their closeness makes me feel like I'm competing with her.

And I hate that feeling.

She's younger, unmarried, has a successful career and models on the side. Meanwhile, I'm a mother of two, running a business and trying to balance everything. I know I'm doing well for myself, and I actually earn more than my husband, so this isn't about needing him financially or feeling dependent on him. I also have male and female clients through my work, and I get attention from men sometimes. But I know where my boundaries are, and I never turn that attention into something more.

That's partly why this bothers me. I don't think having friends of the opposite sex is wrong, and I'm not asking my husband to stop working with women. But sometimes I feel like whatever he has with this woman goes beyond an ordinary professional relationship, even though I can't point to anything concrete and say, 'This is definitely wrong.'

The frustrating part is that my husband gives me attention, makes me feel loved, and has never really made me feel neglected. I'm not someone who constantly needs reassurance, and I'm not a people pleaser in our relationship either.

Yet somehow, I still find myself comparing myself to her.

I love my husband, I'm attracted to him, and I don't want anybody else. I could easily entertain attention from other men if I wanted to, but I don't. I want my husband, and I want to feel secure in my marriage.

I don't want to start unnecessary arguments or become the stereotypical insecure wife who sees every woman as a threat. At the same time, I don't want to ignore something that's genuinely inappropriate just because I'm afraid of looking insecure.

I suppose I'm trying to figure out whether this is my own insecurity getting the better of me, or whether their level of closeness would make other people uncomfortable too.

Tell him to create some space. Make your boundaries very clear and don't be apologetic for having said boundaries no matter what they are.
Don't worry about seeming insecure...those are your hackles rising.

I work with lots of males, most of whom are married (as am I). I’m younger than the majority, some by as much as 20 years. We do go for lunch together occasionally and coffee. We exchange books with one another sometimes. I have their numbers and we will on occasion text. Our spouses are well aware of this and I’d like to think none feel particularly threatened by it. Having said that, one wife is frosty towards me whenever we have big events and she comes along. She works in the same sphere in a different university and she seems a bit threatened by me. I have no interest in her husband.

In your situation, you’re rightly feeling threatened not because they work closely but because of the deleted messages mostly I’d say. Perhaps also the fact she’s single. It’s the messages for me though, you should confront him about this and see what his reaction is like.

Photos of him with his hand around her waist are really inappropriate. He should remember that he is her senior and any allegations of misconduct are likely to be dealt with harshly.

Have you asked him about the deleted messages? That strongly suggests that they were at the very least, flirty or otherwise inappropriate.

I’d be uncomfortable too.

Whether your husband becomes attracted to a colleague, starts an emotional or physical affair, will have nothing to do with how attractive and successful you are, or how you measure up to her in those regards. You could be the most beautiful successful woman in the world and he could still meet another woman he connects with and is attracted to, sometimes for reasons you can't fathom. Because human attraction is complex and certain things, such as close proximity on shared projects drives it.
My point, you don't need to compare to assess the likelihood of something untoward. You need to look solely at his behaviour and any red flags.
I think you're right this situation has the potential to pose a risk to your marriage. And in your shoes I'd be having that conversation with my husband.
Not in an accusatory or controlling way, simply telling him you'd noticed they are particularly close, and that these things have a tendancy to escalate, even where the person concerned (him) doesn't start out with that intention. And that if he doesn't want this to become an issue that threatens your relationship, he should have a think about his feelings for her and whether they're the same as he has for his male colleagues, and if not, does he want to continue down that high risk path.
If he values your marriage, he should be receptive to that.

You have two options-Try and find more evidence to back up your gut feeling or just confront him with what you have.But if there is anything going on be prepared for denial and making you seem insecure.The hand round the waist would make me uncomfortable and why delete messages if nothing untoward was going on

Or, given that they’re colleagues, that the messages were bitching about colleagues, or screenshots from emails of colleagues being annoying, and they deleted them because they were indiscreet and make the OP’s husband in particular look unprofessional ? That would be my first thought.

“I've also seen photos of them standing quite close together, with his hands around her waist “

That phrase alone is very telling. I would never expect my dh to put his hands around someone else’s waist, or have expect a work colleague to put their hands around my waist. That’s a level of intimacy you don’t expect, and you imply it’s more than one photo.Maybe one photo you could excuse (at a push) if you all squeezed in together to get in the shot, but not several.

The hands round her waist is not appropriate ,& would make me suspicious.
Also taking on a maternal role with your children & making you feel left out, who does she think she is?

Deleted chats and the photos looking physically close are the red flags that it's not innocent. Have you said anything about the photos?

This is a great reply. OP, you could be Sienna Miller and Jude Law would still shag the nanny.

Perhaps being around this younger, single, attractive colleague, going for dinner etc is maybe reminding your husband of what life was like when you two were dating. It doesn’t necessarily mean he’s actually going to date her. But I think you’re right to be wary. He’s one stupid mistake away from blowing up his life, and like many men, I bet he thinks it’ll never happen to him. Until it does.

As others have said it’s not about how beautiful or successful you are. Men still cheat if they can get away with it. Ask him about the deleted messages. Tell him to create some distance or you’ll be doing it for him.

I wouldn’t be doing with this at ALL.

I am not a jealous person and my DH has female colleagues that he gets on with well, but I wouldn't be happy about the hands on waist or the deleted messages. I think you're right to feel unsure about this OP. It doesn't sound like they're having an affair but they do seem to be a little too close. Talk to him OP, and ask him to step back a bit.

Both this and the reply it quotes are spot on. It really isn't about the spouse. Unfortunately sometimes there is a lean towards feeling like you have loads in common with someone you work with, as similarities in personality and interests draw people into the same industry. Sometimes stressful workplaces give people a bit of a trauma bond too.

I really don't love the deleted messages, touchy photo poses, or the after work dinners for two to be honest. My husband ate with his female colleague yesterday but it was after an all-day conference and they were both staying in hotels. I'm not sure he'd go for dinner with the same woman on a random Tuesday in the office. I think you're going to have to raise this. I would advise you don't start with the messages though as it will become all about why you looked at his private messages etc.

I can see why you are questioning. I think i would too if I seen the deleted messages. None of the other stuff what bother me though. This woman sounds like she has alot going for herself so I doubt she has any I mention of being a father of twos bit on the side. I think you should discuss this with your husband because he is the one who should be making sure boundaries arent being crossed. I hope you manage to get this sorted.

A good rule of thumb that you can agree between you and your husband is that neither of you should do something if you wouldn't like the other of you doing it. E.g. you shouldn't flirt with someone if you wouldn't like your husband flirting with someone. Extra special closeness would often get ruled out by this - not many like the thought of their spouse getting extra close with someone of the opposite sex.

I agree, forget the you’re attractive thing. That’s not what this is about - Camilla and Diana anyone 👀

and you aren’t competing for attention, remove that vocabulary straight away as it makes you sound jealous and petty. What you are seeing is some genuinely concerning signs that his relationship with this woman has crossed some boundaries. That doesn’t mean he is cheating necessarily, but I think you’d be right to challenge him. I work almost exclusively with men who I travel with regularly. No one puts their hand around for photos. If they did I’d move away immediately. I also don’t delete messages from them as they are all professional and I have nothing to hide. And I am relatively attractive, so this is not just because none of them could possible fancy me 😂

It’s starting off or heading into emotional affair territory. At least that’s the vibes I’m getting here. Speak to him about it.

This is a great reply. OP, you could be Sienna Miller and Jude Law would still shag the nanny.

This in a nutshell.

It is irrelevant whether she is a model or you work out or whatever. Mick Jagger (allegedly) shagged the maternity nurse they employed after Jerry Hall had had one of their babies. Some people are sexually incontinent. Some are oblivious to anyone but their partner.

There is so much detail about lifestyle and the big US company that OP couldn't possibly name... It might just as easily be Dave and Susan working at the local Lidl. OP's husband might be gazing on this colleague in wonderment at her cheekbones or he might just really like working with her. Noone on here can possibly know

Does he put his hand on Phillipe or Henri's waist? Non. He does not.

You need to discuss this with him. I would be very suspicious of the deleted texts.

This stinks. First post nails it as usual. Hands around her waist ffs? You have to tell him this is massive and he’s risking his marriage and family. What you put up with will be what you get.

Exactement!
😂

I often see people on here fiercely defending married men and women having close friendships with the other sex, but to me that needs to be taken in context, and there is often something very thoughtless and even aggressive about it depending on the circumstances.

Allowing for the fact that these things are contextual, she is younger, obviously attractive if she is modelling, and something in the message stream has been deleted by one or other of them, so they are well aware how things could look.

Most of us have been in the position of being young, single, attractive and working with other women's husbands. I always had the respect to make sure I was very aware of that, and how a wife might feel, and adjusted my interaction accordingly. There are a lot of things here that, in her position - and your DH's to be honest - I would be approaching differently from the way I might if I were 60 and going to dinner with him because we both loved reading and discussing Racine.

I find it poor that so many women are quick to deride other women and perpetuate the clingy wife trope. There is lots here that would make a perfectly secure woman feel disrespected in her status as his partner. Hold your head high and don't let fear of that cause you to slink off and accept it.

It is on him and her, not you.

Trying to think how it would look to DH if I spent a lot of time with a hot male colleague five years younger than me I mentioned frequently, there were photos where I had my arm around his waist and deleted messages. DH is very laid back but I'd think I may have some questions to answer.

Ha ha indeed!

And PPs say the context is irrelevant, but Paris?!

In an environment where workplace infidelity is often expected / ignored, I’d be doubly cautious.

On the contrary, context is everything - so much so that when the OP said Paris, I had to wonder for a moment if this was an "academic exercise" thread!

Ditto model!