The only child free friend in the group, always asked to compromise or organise for others.

[RooRooRu]

I sadly don't have kids. I have 2 close friends who have young and young(ish) kids. We have been friends for roughly 10 years. I completely understand that when you have kids your priorities change, and things don't stay the same as when you had less ties. We have always been pretty good at making an effort to see each other, but I feel the effort is now resting firmly with me to organise our catch ups and for me to compromise on where / what / when we do it to fit in with family life.
The time we meet always fits around nap / routine / weekend sport, I'm often asked to rearrange any pre-existing commitments to accommodate them.
It's often left to me to arrange and book what and where we are doing, because after family life and work they 'just need someone to make the decision for them'
The location is always closer to where they live to make it convenient, not close to where I work or live. Never early dinner in the city after work for example, because that's too hard for them but easy for me.
AIBU and I just don't get it because I've not had to manage the juggle?

Drop the rope OP. I was in your position and you are being taken advantage of. You're not asking for every single meet up to be at your advantage, but asking for 1-2 times a year, they do something of your choosing or convenience. Not unreasonable at all. I too, used to agree to places that were near to their houses and at times that fitted with the school run etc, but this went on for decades in some cases, yep even when the kids were in their late teens! Then the grandchildren came along and the same applied - I was to fit in with them. I have far fewer friends nowadays but the ones I do have, appreciate and value my company and are happy to compromise.

Sorry but Yabu. Unless you’ve had children it’s impossible to understand how they take up all your time, energy and headspace. Priorities have to change. If you can hang on in there they’ll probably come back to you once their kids are older teenagers.

I am bloody not going to priorotise my grandchildren- if any-over my friends.

Jesus. What have I just read? I really hope you're in a tiny minority of mothers.

All those difficulties are entirely due to you having a useless husband and facilitating his uselessness to a pathetic degree.

Stop rearranging your own plans at their behest

You should be utterly ashamed of that first paragraph. That's an awful thing to say to the OP.

I have been in exactly same position. After a while I decided it was best for me to part company. For the first 7 years, I was understanding. By this time her boys were 18, 19 & 21 so she was able to start having time for herself and us. But then she had another baby and I thought I can not do this for another 15 years. I always seemed to be the "fill in" friend between her children and used to meet a new man then left twiddling my thumbs between boys and bf's. I would have loved children. But I think when you do not, you need other friends in same circumstances as you

Who on earth needs 18-21 years before they can meet friends? not counting new baby.

You are right. It was uncalled for. I didn’t mean it in a horrible way, only that if a topic is particularly sensitive to your personally it can be heavier or more prominent. Certainly that was my own experience with my own loss. But, you are right, and my experience is not hers and I apologise for making those assumptions.

I also don’t have children and I completely understand where you are coming from, but can see it from their side too. However, I don’t think you should be doing all
the heavy lifting in the friendships. I would make some friends without children too to be honest.

@MyKindHiker

ewwww why was your husband so useless?! Ick

When my kids were youngish I would have struggled with meeting up during the week and quite frankly I was knackered.

Suggest brunch in the city on a Saturday or Sunday morning once a month of thats the time they can do

Yeah, sod that. I am not sitting around waiting for that moment.

@OsfameronTanamoril

exactly!! When does a woman get to live her own life?!

Yep I read that. And remain flabbergasted at just how useless so many fathers are.

That’s fine, just accept that your lifestyles are not compatible for you to be friends anymore. Potentially missing out on a good friendship in later life once the chaos of life with a young family has died down but that’s absolutely your choice to make.

Agreed. It’s interesting to me how unreflective my female friend demographic is. Most do not have children which is far greater than the actual number of childless/free women in society. But it is so much easier.

There has to be some give and take. I’m experiencing a similar situation in my friendship group which is a mix of women with and without children and children of varying ages. Everyone bar one person is willing to be flexible to some degree and I’m about ready to cut ties with that one person.

If we try and arrange things months out to help them organise the response is always ‘we don’t know what our family plans are yet’. If we try and arrange things closer to the time it always has to be on their terms and the reason for not being flexible is always that it’s too much for their husband to do bedtime/whatever on his own. Now either this friend has a crap husband or she pretends that he is to use that as an excuse - both are not great. But generally the overall impression we are given is that her time is more important- she is always the one trying to switch dates at the last minute and then seems annoyed our time is filled with other things.

I would distance yourself from them a little until they become less selfish ‘child focussed’ and focus on your other friends

To add: what do you feel you’re currently getting out of this friendship?

YANBU per se, but what I would say is that whilst it’s annoying for you to feel like the one that’s compromising, they are likely to be making sacrifices as well. Depending on how young the kids are and how useless the husbands/ partners are, before they see you they’ve likely spent hours changing nappies, cooking food, cleaning, tidying, dealing with tantrums, sorting out arguments, doing admin etc. I know you likely do a lot of this as well but it is a nightmare when the kids are small, especially if you don’t have much help.

Sometimes when my kids were little I would be on the way to an evening out and just be totally drained, thinking all I wanted to to do was go to bed or sit by myself in a dark room! If a friend had been a bit arsey with me or it had been down to me to organise it all, I honestly wouldn’t have bothered.

Now the kids are older I am really grateful I have managed to maintain friendships and I think I am a good friend. I book theatre tickets, reserve restaurants and even recently suggested a weekend in France which we are doing. 5-10 years ago this would have been completely impossible, both in terms of time, ability to leave the kids but also my own mental capacity.

So I suppose my message is, don’t take it personally, give it a bit of time and be aware that behind the scenes they are probably having a pretty rough time of it.

That wasn't me.
Perhaps you should've looked at who posted it?

I think it depends on the individual, as a young Mum of very young children, I didn't want to leave them with anyone, I missed them. My DH was always available and encouraged me to go out but I didn't want to. I can't say all these years later it made any difference to the number of friends I have. I get invited to lots of things which tbh I sometimes can't be bothered to attend.

Stop doing it

Perhaps OP you should give up on them for a bit as they may feel like I did. Obviously, it's up to you if they are worth waiting for.