The only child free friend in the group, always asked to compromise or organise for others.

[RooRooRu]

I sadly don't have kids. I have 2 close friends who have young and young(ish) kids. We have been friends for roughly 10 years. I completely understand that when you have kids your priorities change, and things don't stay the same as when you had less ties. We have always been pretty good at making an effort to see each other, but I feel the effort is now resting firmly with me to organise our catch ups and for me to compromise on where / what / when we do it to fit in with family life.
The time we meet always fits around nap / routine / weekend sport, I'm often asked to rearrange any pre-existing commitments to accommodate them.
It's often left to me to arrange and book what and where we are doing, because after family life and work they 'just need someone to make the decision for them'
The location is always closer to where they live to make it convenient, not close to where I work or live. Never early dinner in the city after work for example, because that's too hard for them but easy for me.
AIBU and I just don't get it because I've not had to manage the juggle?

Exactly. And whilst I can acknowledge there are some feckless dads, they're not ALL terrible. Hence, arriving at my conclusion that some women DO weaponise their children as convenient excuses for not agreeing to arrangements that don't suit them.

My experience is that some people become extremely self centred once they have children. If I valued the friendship, I put up with their requirements. There really isn't any other choice. YANBU to think that once a month they could make an effort to see someone they see as a friend, but if they're unwilling to compromise, I'd try to find a new friend group.

I've been on both sides of this and it's tricky. When I sadly didn't have kids I hated friends' entire lives revolving round their children, but now I have some I totally get it - and it's in no way personal that I don't see some friends as much, it's just the logistics. And also some people are like I was before - they want me on their own, sans kids...which I completely understand but can't often manage.

@RooRooRu the one time of day that did seem to work for all of us was late breakfast/brunch - kids were in school or nursery, mums were out and about having dropped them off, and I could start work a couple of hours late to meet them. It also worked - sometimes - on a Sunday, when some of the kids could be left with their dad whilst mum had a couple of hours to herself, but in honesty it often turned into the kids wanting to come as well, so Sunday breakfast out somewhere became a nice sticky chaotic tradition for a while.

My sympathies for your fertility struggles OP, I too have been there with loads of IVF and no baby. It’s heartbreaking when friends and family and colleagues are having all the children they want. Friendships with friends with children did suffer and never really recovered. Fortunately I found new childfree/childless friends.

I had this dynamic with a friend for a while. For me it came to the crunch when I had a serious illness and it was crickets from her. I wasn’t expecting her to step up with round the clock care, obviously, but there was no emotional support at all. As I recovered I started to really feel the resentment and put some space between us. Then one day she gave me the ‘it takes a village’ speech because she felt I wasn’t involved enough with her daughters.

I get that it’s hard. I get that your kids become and will always be your priority. But I’ve heard of a lot of women who do this to their friends and then bemoan their lack of a village. The thing about the village is that you have to put in sometimes as well as taking out.

OP, you’re not unreasonable to feel the way you do. That doesn’t necessarily mean they’re unreasonable. Maybe it’s time to invest less time, like they are, and see what the future holds.

If you want to stay friends with them this is the reality until their kids are older.

OP I'd drop them, for the simple reason that they've already dropped you.

I agree with you, if they valued you at all they'd be making the occasional effort - and they're not. That speaks volumes.

Even if you were in the same phase of life and had DC yourself, they'd still be in the exact same situations they're in now, "unable" to compromise and make any effort at all for you. So I'm sorry, but I'd consider these friendships are dead. If you had DC too you'd either still be doing all the running or the friendship would die out. If you make the effort now I don't think they'll do the same for you if the situation is reversed in the future and you're the one with young DC, they'll just have some other excuses for why they "can't" make any effort to come see you. So if you continue as you are you need to do it without expectations of having the favour returned or staying friends for life.

I've noticed its often the way that when someone drops someone else it doesn't necessarily look like being busy and refusing to meet up at all, it's often seems to be either lots of last minute cancellations or this thing you're experiencing, where they're only happy to meet if it's low cost/low effort on their part or an activity they really want to do, because the person they've dropped is just an option, something to kill time with if they happen to have the time/energy and are bored, a "low-key" (as another poster said) non-priority. My advice is to never prioritise people who only consider you to be an option.

People are saying your circumstances with losses aren't comparable but they are. You're repeatedly making the effort to do things you find very difficult so that your friends feel valued. They're not doing the same for you, they don't really care how you feel or at least not enough to make any effort for you, it's all about their family now.

I'd pull back drastically, see them once or twice a year, stop with the gift buying and other upsetting activities, then see if they make the effort to step into the gap you've created, to keep the friendship going. If they do you can always regain closeness and make a bit more of an effort again.

This stage probably won't last forever (I say that as there are some parents who seem to run their lives around adult children, according to posts, and of course some children have additional needs, meaning their parents need to spend much more time even as they get older).
But in most cases, once the kids get their own friends and start walking to school themselves etc, the parents will be able to meet more easily. In the meantime, if you're happy to be flexible to a degree, do it, but if you're doing the booking, don't be afraid to prioritise yourself sometimes.

Unfortunately, I think it's just a downside of being the childfree one.

My older (childfree) sister has had her last two birthdays disrupted by the kids of her best friend. She's staying strong in the knowledge that it won't be, hopefully, many more years now, as both kids are now in double-digits.

Not all parents find the infant years "shit", I was in my element but I thrive in chaos and like change and the unfamiliar. Some Mothers like me, don't have any interest in socialising on those early years, it wasn't a priority my hormones took over.

I'm flabbergasted that there are women who go to the end of the earth to make it possible for them to be so useless.

Just wanted to say I feel for you, OP. I too am the only childfree one among my siblings, with 8 nieces and nephews, and I completely understand that the kids should come first.

What I don't understand, is why not one of my siblings can find a single afternoon a year to have lunch with me one on one. It hurts when you spend time orienting yourself around someone else's lifestyle but they never do the same back, no matter how important their lifestyle is. And I know I'll never get the effort from them that they get from me repaid, because I'm not having kids.

I think maybe ask your favourite sibling specifically for a one-on-one with lots of notice? Besides that the only answer is acceptance, I'm afraid.

I think maybe stop making so much effort, let the friendship drift a bit and try to connect/spend more time with people who are more on your wavelength.

They may be more available again when the children are a bit older and it will be up to you really whether you want to pick things back up.

@Goldenbear

you could have ended up lonely and friendless once your hormones receded.

im also sorry your husband didn’t step up so you could socialise and maintain your friendships and identity outside of being a mother

This is just a season, and it will pass and life will get freer and easier for these friends you are continuing to show up for! We’ve got friends without children who are incredible at fitting plans around our needs, and as a result when we host, we try to spoil them and show that we are grateful for the concessions they make. It’s part of having small children, and you are being a fantastic friend by going the extra distance. Parents will remember that, if they are good friends back to you!

My husband did step up as a posted earlier, he was encouraging me to go out, as I posted, I didn't want to in the very early years, I got companionship with fellow Mothers at baby groups, it was very common then to go for a coffee after a playgroup. I got life long friends from that group and then at school age we would have regular social nights out. My other friends started to have children a few years later and then 'got it'. It literally has done my social life no harm at all and all these years later, I regularly get asked to do things but I sometimes have to push myself to do so as I frankly can't always be bothered.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable to feel how you do. I would hope with time they will come around to being able to have and value more girl time in more flexible ways. It takes a bit of effort on their part to recognise when things are changing for them and consciously make the effort to adjust for you when they can. And then at some point they will genuinely have enough energy and space from their children to value time out for themselves and their friends. I hope that happens.

I have a four and five year old (and a husband who values me having space) and I can socialise as me again not just as a mum. But for a few years I couldn’t. Without knowing the children’s ages it’s hard to know exactly where they are on that timeline.

I hope it works out for all of you.

The pass-agg crossing out of selfish is really not the win you think it is. If someone is focused on their child then they’re not focused on themselves. Ergo, not selfish.

Personally I think the dads could step up and look after the kids the occasional evening so they can meet you after work. Presumably they'll make arrangements for a work event, so the odd personal event shouldn't be impossible, 2-3 times a year can't be that hard, surely. Or pay for a babysitter.

Both can be possible.

Thanks for everyone’s input.
I have dropped the rope, we are due to catch up this weekend. One has asked to meet earlier in the morning because it suits them better. One isn’t bothered. I said no earlier doesn’t suit me - as I want a gentle start to the morning with DH. It’s the only day I’m not up at 5 or 6am. So no plans have been made and I’m just waiting to see who steps up to organise.
Their kids are 2,7 and 9. For all the parents on the thread - how do you socialise what works best in your situation?

If my husband isn’t at work then he will be with our daughter. I am also lucky to have a lot of family that could help. My mum, his mum, I have 2 sisters as well.

I can understand the nap thing. My daughter would not nap on the go past a certain age, if she missed or was late, it messed everything up. So I did stay home until after the nap.

I imagine that feels rubbish. Especially if you would have liked kids. It maybe feels like salt in the wound.
I don't think there's any thing that can really change though... I'm a parent and life is nuts. I do make an effort with my friends but oftentimes I invite people over for tea as its easier than going out. But I live far away and not everyone wants to do that. I now see everyone about 3 times a year on an evening out which isn't the same.
Last year I had to let go of a lot of my guilt over not keeping up with friends as it wasn't healthy or even humanly possible to do it all.

For all the parents on the thread - how do you socialise what works best in your situation?
For me, weekends aren’t an issue as my partner can look after our son and I can go and meet friends for lunch, coffee etc whenever I like.
It’s weekday evenings that are a problem for me. Up at the crack of dawn, working a busy job all day, coming home to play with our toddler and then bath and bed…there’s no way I’ve then got the energy to go out for dinner, cinema, theatre etc.

Could you consider seeing them a bit less often but being clear about what you can and can’t do? So could you suggest something, offer to book it but then be clear about what you’re offering (“I can’t do before 12 on Sat, but could book a brunch at 12.30?). Maybe they need to miss your company a bit more to be a bit more flexible. That said if everyone in a group starts asserting boundaries what can happpen is just that no one ever manages to meet up!

If I am honest though I didn’t manage to meet any of my friends as often as once a month when my kids were that age! It’s all very well saying that the DH should do evenings, but the reality was that we were both trying to hold down difficult jobs- and if I was at home he would be in work until gone 7 (and vice versa). Plus I would have had about 5 hours sleep and been up since 5.30. So weekday evenings were basically out for me. We usually did something with friends on a Saturday evening, or maybe late- ish on a Friday, but probably 3-4 times a year max.