The only child free friend in the group, always asked to compromise or organise for others.

[RooRooRu]

I sadly don't have kids. I have 2 close friends who have young and young(ish) kids. We have been friends for roughly 10 years. I completely understand that when you have kids your priorities change, and things don't stay the same as when you had less ties. We have always been pretty good at making an effort to see each other, but I feel the effort is now resting firmly with me to organise our catch ups and for me to compromise on where / what / when we do it to fit in with family life.
The time we meet always fits around nap / routine / weekend sport, I'm often asked to rearrange any pre-existing commitments to accommodate them.
It's often left to me to arrange and book what and where we are doing, because after family life and work they 'just need someone to make the decision for them'
The location is always closer to where they live to make it convenient, not close to where I work or live. Never early dinner in the city after work for example, because that's too hard for them but easy for me.
AIBU and I just don't get it because I've not had to manage the juggle?

How old/ many kids and do they have supportive family/ partners?

If your talking about 4 kids under 5 with husbands who work 60hr weeks and no local family then it's completely different to an 8yo with a whole husband and grandparents on the same street.

Same, my DH is amazing, but there is no literal way that I could ever make an after work dinner in the city happen.

Wait it out. They'll come through this phase and will be back to being more free and more involved.

Well, she only gave the early dinner as an example and I think most people recognise that an early dinner in the city is pretty hard when got kids. But surely dinner plans somewhere else? Or something fun at the weekend?

A takeaway in someone's house is fine now and then but it does show a lack of effort to the OP if everything has to be done at the ease of the friends. As I said, if it's something they really want to do, they'd do it. I understand why the OP doesn't feel valued.

Exactly! My DH is, and always has been, very hands-on with childcare. He does all the cooking too, so it’s not as though he’s some feckless, uninvolved twat who leaves everything to me.

Even with that level of involvement, this would still have been impossible for us.

He runs his own business, and his premises don’t close until 6pm on weekdays.

His customers rely on those opening hours, and he’s booked up months in advance. He can’t simply decide on a whim to shut up shop early to collect the children because his wife wants to go out for an early dinner with a friend. His business would suffer, and he’d be letting his customers down.

For all those who keep doggedly asking why the dads aren’t stepping up more, I do wonder how they’d feel if their car MOT was cancelled at the last minute because their mechanic had decided to close early to collect his children so his wife could go out for dinner in the city with a friend.

They'd be absolutely cool with that would they? 😆

There was no obsession. It was a suggestion by the OP.

Are these friends single parents? If so I can understand it being difficult. If not then I’m afraid they either have rubbish partners or are not prioritising you. I have two kids under 5 and am pregnant. My husband and I have equal time out with friends and could easily meet straight from work if that plan worked for others as long as the other person doesn’t have an evening work commitment. We both solo parent several times a week so we each get social time.

Does any of that stop a person from suggesting other meet ups? Or making an effort that means it isn't a takeaway in their home?

Early dinner was a suggestion, not a summons. Other options exist!

It depends on both of their circumstances. We have no family nearby and DHs work cannot be easily rearranged. Unfortunately at the moment meet ups would likely have to be a takeaway at my home or something involving my child.

Well it was the only suggestion she offered and she hasn't come back despite other people asking her.

It might be helpful for the OP to give some other alternatives, no?

Because if this is the ONLY thing she wants to do then yes, she is being completely unreasonable

So what are they then?

OP hasn't said has she????

You would probably be happier with friends who also don't have children.

Its absolutely understandable that you want to go and do things and not have to be the one to plan and arrange, and you don't want to have to stick to certain times and places.

Its also understandable that parents of children have restrictions on their availability that really aren't that flexible.

Posters saying that people that aren't flexible have rubbish partners... some people don't have a village, and some people are giving it their all just to make a living and keep the kids alive. Don't be so judgy and be grateful if you do have family support to help out.

YANBU OP.

Often, sadly, I find it comes down to female friends compensating for shit male partners. I have 9pm dinners on weeknights with friends because the dad can't possibly do bedtime; or we can never meet at weekends as they are for family, because the kids don't see their dad at all during the week; and I have to come to their area and do a child-based activity because Dad is playing golf/won't cope with both kids/wants to get stuff done in peace.

My friend and I once had to bring her (beautiful, well-behaved, adorable!) baby to our class because her husband couldn't possibly have the 6 month old while doing the school run for their 5yo. It transpired he'd never had them alone...

The friendships that have lasted, 10 years on, are people who are prepared to schedule things 4-8 weeks in advance, and friendships that are strong enough to survive meeting up twice a year (multiple friends, I have more than two evenings out a year). Thankful I still have friends, tbh. It’s also the poorest I have been and that’s made it challenging too. Had to say no to weekends away, dinners etc for a while as all my money was going on childcare etc.

You driving to see them is a lot easier than them rearranging everything with their kids to come meet you. I say this as a childfree person. Just the way it is I think. You can always make some new childfree friends to do other stuff with.

Your friends have the other parent of their children who’s able to look after their own children surely? 50% of the time needs to be parenting their own children.

This is the main issue. It can be easy to get stuck in a dynamic where you are always the one making compromises and always the default organiser, even once your circumstances change.

I've had this too. I had children later than my sister. Because she was run-ragged with 2 children with a small age gap, I always volunteered to host family gatherings or Christmas, I'd be the one organising joint gifts for parents/grandparents, or organising family days out and the picnic etc. I also did A LOT of childcare to give her a break. Her kids then grew up and I had 3 little ones of my own. Guess who was still expected to do all of the above and still look after her kids whilst she could never possibly look after mine? It takes a lot of pushing back to change the dynamic, and I have to say my sister is 100% resentful that I now don't do everything I previously did for her, and has never once thought she should instead be grateful that I did it while I could.

That's the main issue I think, OP. I think you do have to be understanding that they're currently not as flexible as you as there might be more balls to juggle for them to make a night out work, but as for being the default organiser - you either need to outright say "can we take turns with who organises nights out so it doesn't always fall on the same person?" Or just stop doing it. And if you do have children one day, make sure you're not still the one making all the compromises and all the plans, because it's really easy to get stuck in that dynamic.

Does she need to list every event offered here on MN? She also mentions a long drive/uber to do the things they want to do, nearer their homes.

I presume the dinner was an example (not an obsession!!!) of something that shows effort on their behalf for a change because she feels like she's the only one who is going out of her way to accommodate them and it's not happening ever for her.

That's fair. She is allowed to feel how she feels, and the parents are also allowed to do what they want. But as I keep saying over on here, if people really want to do something, they find a way. Priorities have changed for the parents, so the OP isn't wrong to feel undervalued too, both are reasonable.

Why can’t the other parent of tbe children look after their own children? Zero rearranging anything then!

But no parent of children can really accommodate this plan. It’s just not going to happen, so YABU in this case. People have to get home to do parent stuff I’m afraid.

Get some new friends and hobbies. Maybe meet ppl who are childless. I have both types of friends and liked meeting up with the ones with kids but that was mostly me fitting in, which i didn't mind, but with the childless ones i could do more stuff further away from home and at much more flexible times.

I am the childfree friend in my group, and unfortunately I think if you want the relationships to sustain you need to give a bit more than they do, especially if the kids are young. I know a lot of my friends are in the fucking trenches, and if I don't suggest/organise things they simply won't happen as the fact is I am not the priority right now.

For example I live in a city where everyone lives within a 20 min walk of one another so I am constantly suggesting coffee dates, walks, a quick pint- I would say that 3 out of 10 times I get a bite. It's sometimes disappointing, but I will keep suggesting them anyway otherwise they just won't happen.

Clearly the parents also need to make an effort on occasion, but it sounds like they are happy to meet there just has to be more compromise on your side.

What are your friendships like outside of parent friends? When I realised I would likely be the main childfree friend in my group, I made the effort to go and make some new friends as an adult who also don't have children- I like to go out most weekends and I realise my parent friends are unlikely to be the ones to do that with me (for a while at least) so I need to find people who are.

See my post above. I think people have obsessed on the city dinner rather than understand the nuances, then turned an accused the OP of obsessing.

All very mumsnet.

Your reply isn’t relevant because this is things that are being booked in advance NOT last minute!

Wouldn't it be easier to meet up on a weekend than a week night? Or are they saying no to every time suggestion?