Mother issues

[JollyG87]

Hey, just wondering what everyone thought of this. I’d like an impartial point of view please. My mum who wasn’t the best growing up, had major issues to be fair, but left for Spain with her new husband ten year ago. I took her daughter in when she was 18 (10 year age gap) and helped her through college. She has never came back to see us. Will come back for weddings etc (people we don’t know) but we have spent around £3k or more every year visiting her. Her house isn’t big enough for us so we need to rent. She recently came back for her husband brothers wife’s funeral who she wasn’t particularly close with but I have no issue with this, I feel she should’ve been here! The issue is she was too busy to contact us or visit, last seen my kids 6 month ago, a year before that. She stayed a week and was two streets away. Not with her husbands brother. Would literally pass our door and didn’t visit. What would you do next? Would you spend the family holiday money going back next year? My kids were quite upset and I have the guilt with trying to keep a relationship with them but she’s bit really making any attempt. Thanks for reading x

No - you reap what you sow. Your mother takes you for granted. She keeps showing who she is and you keeping stepping up, hoping she will turn into a loving mother and doting grandmother. It's not going to happen. You and your sister deserve so much more.

Set a good example for your children, don't let them see you keep chasing after someone who treats you so poorly. You don't have to cut her off but you need to relegate her position from mother to acquaintance. Give your children a fun holiday somewhere different this summer.

I would match her energy. No more visits overseas, spending thousands when she can’t even drop in or return the favour.
I’m not saying cut her off, just keep it to the occasional phone call and see what happens. Will she invite you or ask why you’re not coming? Will she make the effort to come visit you? If not, you have your answer.

This is shocking! To first abandoning her 18 yo who still very much needed her, to you spending thousands every year to visit her, to her literally being a few streets away and passing your door and not giving either of you the time of day.

She is the definition of someone who should never have had children.

Do not spend another penny on visiting her. She obviously couldn’t care less if she see’s you all or not. Stay in touch on the phone if needs be and start putting your money into enjoyable family holidays elsewhere.

Where's your sister now? It's great that you gave her a home and supported her education when your mother wouldn't, but this must have left its marks on her as well as you and your own family.

I agree with matching her energy. Stick to Christmas cards and a phone call every few months.

No don't visit again. I think I would be very frank with her, and email to say you were hurt that she didn't choose to see you on that visit, that you wont be visiting her again and will leave the ball in her court to decide to maintain contact. Offer to FaceTime periodically for the children's sake if you like.

I wouldn’t be spending another penny going to see her and I wouldn’t be proactively seeing her either. Like a PP said you reap what you sow and I wouldn’t be providing any help in later life either.

You remind me somewhat of my mother. My parents used to pack 4 kids in a car and drive 12 hours each way to see DGM. (She never came to see us). Until the year when we arrived and found that DGM decided to spend that week at my auntie's 2 hours away from her. Fully knowing that we were coming, and had driven so far.

That slap in the face was finally enough for my DM to realise how one-sided the relationship was, and we stopped visiting for a while. But DM never stopped wanting a better relationship with DGM. That was very sad to see as her child, because I knew DGM would never give my DM what she was hoping for.

The longing for a good parental bond can definitely stop us from seeing the bad in a parent, and keep us accepting behaviour that we wouldn't accept from anyone else.

Nope, take the kids somewhere else and cut her off. If she comes back and makes no effort to visit you then she gets what she deserves.

Sorry if I’ve misunderstood but are you saying she came to the UK, to the town you live in, and she made no effort to see you or your children?
If so I would ask her why.
And the right thing to do is to mat h her effort. The problem with this is that your relationship will just become even more distant. It’s sad. It’s a passive form of parenting that seems very common in 60-70 year olds.

Sadly when your mother left for Spain it wasn't just a physical leaving. She left you behind in every sense. I know this is hurtful, but I don't think you are any part of her life. She's cut you out of it. It genuinely sounds like you no longer exist as far as she's concerned.

So drop the rope. I know it will hurt, but you're trying to maintain a relationship that doesn't exist. Make your peace with that and enjoy the family you do have and who love you.

So your sister?

I wouldn't bother with her anymore. How did you know about the funeral and where she was staying?

Common throughout society, or common in those over 60s complained about by their offspring on MN?

If my mother had made no effort to see me and my children and then actually walked past my house without knocking, I would not give her the time of day. She doesn’t give a toss about you, your children or your sister. That’s got to hurt and be hard to come to terms with but if you can find a way to make peace with that, I think you will feel lighter, freer and much happier.

I Have no idea why I’m not able to reply to this thread, I am the op. I created the account last night and it won’t let me post 🙈 thank you everyone for the advice, I am definitely going to stop bothering about her and move on. @GarlicEverythingshe graduated, then moved out with her bf. Doing amazing, but unsurprisingly has a few mental health issues. @starrystarryskyit is the longing that kills us eh! I’m sure it’ll make us better parents for it ❤️ @Gymnopediei think you’ve hit the nail on the head there! That’s exactly what she’s done.

@brokentoes85We heard where she was staying through others, it’s a small town we live in.

@Lurkingandlearning Thank you! I am sure you are right, it can’t make me feel any worse anyway. Onwards and upwards xxx

Common by my own experience and that of friends. Baffles me everytime how children grow up and suddenly the parents stop making any effort to maintain a relationship.

This is really shocking to be honest. Why do you keep visiting her if she is repeatedly showing you she has no interest in you? You owe her nothing. I bet she’ll start running to you the moment she needs care in her old age.

No, have a proper holiday somewhere you want to go - not to visit your selfish mother