Pretty privilege and men

[Heamm]

Man late 50s at work is hugely hugely favouring an apprentice we have who frankly is more physically attractive than the other apprentice.

I’m reasonably senior but below him so don’t feel I can comment on this and not even sure if I should? But the less attractive one is not treated the same and in fact in many ways she is better at her job than the other apprentice.

I know that another colleague at his level has said something to him to the effect of ‘do you think you’d treat x like this…’ ie would you be this hard on the more attractive one if she’d made the same error.

I don’t know why it’s bothering me so much. Every morning he spends around 40 minutes with her in his office and directs all conversation to her if there’s multiple people in the vicinity. It’s embarrassing.

I don’t know if this comes across as jealousy on my part - i certainly don’t feel that way but for some reason I have developed an anger towards this happening and feel it’s not right. AIBU? Is this a case of not my circus etc…?

I agree. She may well feel uncomfortable with his favouritism. But as he's very senior she may not say anything. Maybe you should say something to HR.

Oh OP you will continue to get a kick-in because most won't read your updates .

@Petrolitis @Ponoka7 both things can be true at once. Petrolitis If you aren't conventionally attractive, you likely wouldn't appreciate the downsides , like other peoples jealousy and insecurity as well as more than average harassment from men. Also, getting your heart broken more, because your looks will attract some of the most shallowest of men who will tire of you quicker than a deep man who loves you for you.

And Ponoka, there are very obvious documented upsides to being stunning if you know how to handle it or are shallow awful. We are just a bit more mindful about stuff due to SM, and some people just haven't yet caught up.

So this poor girl is being letched on by a 50 year old man with a creepy crush on her? I wouldn’t call that a privilege. Can you have a quiet word with him in a, ‘Brian, people have noticed that you’re treating the apprentices very differently, and that you have Shona in your office separately for over 40 minutes a day. Be careful you’re not overstepping the boundaries of your role and preventing her from getting on with her job’ way?

Always focusing his attention on her, every morning having to spend 40 mins with him in his office will be utterly excruciating for her. Very few women don’t recognise a letch and very few want this sort of attention in the workplace,

if she’s an apprentice she will likely be very young, and this her first full time job, the odds of hee finding this man remotely attractive are low to non existent,

if anything op she’s the one being treated the worst and by a long way

it’s so dismaying to see this sort of misogyny in the workplace, this sort of jealousy and thought that this is something to envy, look at her getting the attention as she’s attractive, the other one doesn’t get that attention so she’s the one being badly treated

no the other one is the one being treated correctly , the “ attractive one” is being subjected fi sexual harrassment.

This whole thread is so depressing. Not only is a middle-aged man doing exactly what most men in positions of power do - upholding patriarchy and being blinded by youth and beauty - but an older woman in a position of more power than the young people isn’t sure whether she should step in or not. This is how the old patriarchal system continues. It needs pick-me women who don’t question the status quo just as much as old lecherous men. You should report this and protect both young apprentices from his inadequate management.

Pretty privilege. What a horrible term to use.

"I don't know why it's bothering me so much" - it SHOULD be because there's a young woman who is now made a target for no reason other than existing.

It’s worse than that though isn’t it, it’s not just she doesn’t know if she should step in she completely failed to recognise the sexual harrassmenr and saw it as an enviable position, wanted the less attractive one to get the same treatment and even said it could look like she’s jealous,

it’s so dismaying,

At least you acknowledge that pretty privilege wasn't the right term, but I hope you think about why you went for that term, rather than 'abuse of power by a creep'. As someone who could have been accused of having pretty privilege, what hurt was the reaction of the women around me. Looking back it was internalised misogyny, with occasional envy thrown in. Other women blame the young woman, who can't help the way she looks. Both sexes, often assume that she hasn't really worked for were she is. Or that her looks make her lacking in intelligence. You say that she's the less able, but his interference and behaviour might be holding her back. I doubt she enjoys the one-on-one time. All three of my DD's have had jobs/training ruined because of men like this. Two ended up looking for female driving instructors, which delayed taking lessons. It used to be horrendous in the workplace, I'd hoped things were getting better because of female senior staff, like yourself.

Yes in wondering if the op sees her as less able due to her looks, and as it does appear she seems ti think getting this man’s attention is something to be envied,

I don't think this is the best example of it, but the people getting annoyed at the general concept of "pretty privilege" are missing what it is.

It isn't saying that those women caused it, or that it is 100% good and doesn't have any downsides. It is a privilege in the same sense that being young, being tall, or being a certain race or sex might be. In that it conveys an average set of advantages that outweighs the disadvantages.

The sociological research on it is pretty clear - being "attractive" conveys a whole set of advantages in life, that start young. Yes it comes with drawbacks (unwanted attention etc) but those are outweighed by the advantages of being viewed as valuable and attractive during your life as a young person.

its similar to height privilege in men, except that is more quantifiable so easier to research. Being tall isn't everything, but on average taller men have higher life outcomes than shorter men. On average, more "beautiful" women have higher life outcomes than less "beautiful" women.

Is that fair? or good? No. Of course not. But it is real, and very hard to combat.

Pretty privalege, which is a shocking term, as good looking men get the same thing, humans prize attractiveness, but this isn’t an example of it at all, this is sexual harassment, of what is likely a very young woman in her first role, by a senior male abusing his position of power, she can’t say no,

i would have hoped these days in the workplace were long gone, but here we have an attractive young woman being sexually harassed by a older more powerful male, being subject to his attention daily and a more senior older female deciding she’s less capable and not wanting to comment in case she looks jealous.

sexual discrimation and harrassment are rife, and this is a prime example of it, from both genders,

I agree with this, especially the comment about having your heart broken by shallow men. This is my 18 yo dd I’m talking about btw. Hopelessly naive, ND. And I’ve had to teach her a lot. I hadn’t thought ahead like this.

And I agree this isn’t pretty privilege. It’s annoying. I’ve been harassed when young. Much more extreme, sexual and creepy. Luckily one was a pub and I could banter and felt I’d be ok. The other was a temp job and I refused to go back on day 3 as I was scared by what the guy might do. We were alone in the office, his business.

Yes, it’s always a woman’s fault 🙄 Let’s not focus on the man’s behaviour, let’s attack the OP.

Seems like this apprentice’s prettiness is more of a liability than a privilege in this scenario… What 20-something woman wants to be leched over daily by a 50+ man!

Great post. Although this thread isn’t a good example of it, it doesn’t mean pretty privilege doesn’t exist, however much we wish it didn’t, and it certainly doesn’t mean that pretty women are at fault!