To expect a little more from my 6 yr old when I’m ill?

[Brightbluestone]

I’m a single mum with an almost 6 yr old and a 2 yr old. I’ve got the most horrendous flu-like cold and have been off work in bed for the last 2 days. We don’t have much family support nearby but I’ve managed to get my mum who lives an hour away to come and pick up the 2 yr old and have him for a couple of days (she couldn’t stay here cos of her animals at home). I’ve been managing to get 6 yr old dd to and from school and fixing her dinner and breakfast etc but the rest of the time I’ve been in bed. I’ve said I’m sorry I can’t be a better mummy for these few days and explained that I’m ill and it would be really helpful if she could help me out a bit by not arguing when I ask her to do something and being quieter than usual cos I’ve got an awful headache. That’s literally all I expect from her but it just seems like she does not give a shit! I’ve been letting her have way more screen time and snacks to try and make up for the fact I can’t give her as much attention but she’s completely ungrateful about that too. I know she’s only 6 and probably hasn’t developed empathy yet and can’t understand what being ill like this is really like or how it feels, but by her age I’d expect a little bit more understanding and effort to not make things harder for me. She’s refusing to do anything I ask, screaming when I’ve told her how much it hurts my head..and actually screaming louder when I tell her it hurts my head. Not coming upstairs for bed when I ask, forcing me to go downstairs and get her even though she knows how difficult it is for me to get out of bed. Even my 2 yr old came and gave me a hug and one of his teddies to cuddle the other day when I was in bed. The emotional side of me is feeling hurt, angry and resentful but the logical side is saying I’m expecting way too much from her and she’s still little and needs me and maybe feels angry that I haven’t been able to do much with her. She has been lying next to me in bed watching tv though, but I guess it’s frustrating and maybe even a bit worrying to have a sick parent (mind you she doesn’t seem in the slightest bit worried!) so AIBU or should I be expecting a bit more from her at 6?

My 6 year old would react v badly to me being in bed and not at their beck and call

Anxiety comes out differently in little people
being poorly can make your mood v low and take things more to heart

That does sound tough, but I don't think a not-quite-6-year-old is able to look beyond themselves enough to be more considerate. I think from maybe about 7+ (depending on the child) you can expect that, but not around 6. They simply don't have enough ability to empathise with other people's issues yet. I hope you feel better soon.

6 is tiny. I remember how weird and unsafe the world felt when my parents were temporarily 'off line' through bereavement/illness/stress - and I must have been much older at those times.

Parenting while ill is a new circle of hell BUT that isn't your tiny child's problem.

When well, I would do a lot more to foster your village and be part of a reciprocal group. When my dad died I had to call in every favour for lifts/dog walks/childcare/school runs etc and not only were people insanely generous and kind but I also didn't feel that bad because I had done lots and lots of similar things for others when they needed it. It os good to model this and for your kids to understand the basis of community and support too.

I'm sorry you're unwell and I think it is reasonable for a child to not scream when told it's hurting someone. Doing as she's told is a bit different it depends what your asking her to do.
My DD was nearly 6 when my mum died and my DD wrote me a little card she'd made saying she was sorry I was sad because my mum died. Nobody told her to do it and I still have it and she's 37. So empathy can be a thing if it's taught.

OP I hope you're on the mend and I'm sorry newcomers are still only responding to your original post.
To echo what others have mentioned - you must be prepared to ask for help in situations like this. That cloud of Owing Someone is easily sorted with a bottle of wine, a homemade cake or whatever is within your powers, or repayment in kind by offering a playdate and/or coffee at yours.
Years ago I knew a single mum who was coping brilliantly - until she got seriously ill. When she recovered she immediately moved back to where she had grown up and still had family. She suddenly felt very vulnerable and knew that there was a support network there ready and waiting. I'm not suggesting you have to move, but you do need to find your own network. You won't be the only one, there will be others who will be glad to have you to call on in a similar emergency. It just someone to be first to reach out.

Glad to hear the father is somewhat in the picture. But it wasn’t really about who left who, even if the woman leaves the man my point was the man shouldn’t abandon his responsibilities.

He should be equally responsible for childcare unless he has come to an agreement with the mother that he will pay some additional monies in lieu of her having primary custody to cover not only the general costs of kids but regular childcare and/or emergency babysitters .

You may well have that arrangement with him but I was making a broader point that many if not most men neglect their duties once they leave/are left by their ex. And society as a whole including the government needs to stop accepting and normalising it.

Often the so called village is just about extracting unpaid labour from women specifically while no demands are made of men including the child’s own father.

Maybe when the children fathers returns from his work travel you need to have a chat with him about how he can progress from being “not completely useless” to “very useful and being an active and engaged parent” so he can play a role in having a backup plan for situations like this . I appreciate you can’t force a man to be decent and responsible, but asking him is a good start.

Hey I am really sorry that you are ill. One thing I'd suggest is lean into that whatsapp parent group and ask someone to help out with pick up and drop off or even like collecting medicine or a bit of shopping. You would be surprised to know how many people are willing to support. Even like offering play dates etc. Get better soon.

The emotional side of me is feeling hurt, angry and resentful but the logical side is saying I’m expecting way too much from her.
This is way over the top. She is a very young child. Why on earth would you feel resentful. I think you need to be careful as a single mother that you don’t expect her to act like another adult in the home.
I think you need to explore your feelings when you feel better with a professional.

Yes i do think she’s in danger of being parentified and there are various other posters saying she is being treated like an adult or older child which is essentially saying the same thing as I am.

I agree with what you say about men neglecting their childcare duties and getting away with it. But this (widespread, societal) problem is not my fault! Or the fault of any woman. Your post is blaming women and suggesting that it should be women’s responsibility to fix this. Why should it always be up to women to fix men’s shitty behaviour? Don’t you think men should be doing this on their own? Don’t you think I’ve asked him “to be decent and responsible”?! Do you think most indecent and irresponsible people change because they’re asked to? Of course, now it’ll be my fault for choosing to have kids with a man “like this”, another classic way MNers like to make women feel guilty and in some way responsible, for men’s shitty behaviour.

No, I’m not blaming mothers. You have completely misunderstood. I said society in general needs to stop letting men off the hook. Did you not read that part?

Maybe men would be less quick to abandon responsibilities if there would be more social shame and financial penalties involved. For example in the U.S. for all its faults, a lot of men get hit quite hard with child support and some can even be prosecuted if they don’t pay enough/at all.

If anything I’m doing the opposite of blaming women. I am the one asking why people first jump to asking mothers to ask other women in their family/social circle for help with their children, before considering asking them to ask fathers to step up.

And I made VERY clear that you can not force men to do the decent thing. But at least if you’ve asked them and let them know your expectations it’s a start!

I’ve had to hold some of single parent friends hands and assist them in asking their shitty exes to do a bit more when they were initially just complaining their mum/sister/friends (other than me) didn’t step up .

Did these men turn into great dads? No! But they at least did more in most situations. If you have a shitty ex and you’ve asked him and you can’t do anymore - fine. Sorry your ex sounds next to useless and uncaring of his children . That’s very unfortunate and no, I won’t blame you for that sad situation.

I don’t know you or your situation and as I said for all I know you might have some kind of alternative arrangement with the father that involves him providing additional monies.

So I was just suggesting what you - or women in your situation in general can do - if the man doesn’t step up based on what I’ve helped other single parents to do.

She's too young to have any expectations placed on her. It's also very scary to a young child when their main caregiver is unwell.

It's really, really hard being a single parent when you're not well, but you just have to muddle through.

I think some people have very low expectations of an almost 6 year old! Not screaming and doing as she's told is something she manages at school (hopefully) and certainly not parentification. But do bear in mind that she may be anxious and i hope you are reassuring her that it is just a cold?

Children behave less well when stressed, tired, insecure and anxious.

That doesn't make them bad or naughty- just little and scared.

Having your usually capable, stable, ever present single parent take to their bed and look unwell is deeply destabilising for a young child.

I think you should have sent her with your mum too for a couple of days, school notwithstanding. It’s not a good environment for her to be in at the moment; as pp said it’s deeply destabilising. It’s also very difficult for you.

Seeing you ill is probably making her feel extremely insecure and scared (the more you tell her you’re in pain, and your head hurts etc it’s worrying her as at 6 she’s not going to fully grasp everything)
so yes, at 6, you’re expecting way way too much from her.

She’s not even 6 yet.