To expect a little more from my 6 yr old when I’m ill?

[Brightbluestone]

I’m a single mum with an almost 6 yr old and a 2 yr old. I’ve got the most horrendous flu-like cold and have been off work in bed for the last 2 days. We don’t have much family support nearby but I’ve managed to get my mum who lives an hour away to come and pick up the 2 yr old and have him for a couple of days (she couldn’t stay here cos of her animals at home). I’ve been managing to get 6 yr old dd to and from school and fixing her dinner and breakfast etc but the rest of the time I’ve been in bed. I’ve said I’m sorry I can’t be a better mummy for these few days and explained that I’m ill and it would be really helpful if she could help me out a bit by not arguing when I ask her to do something and being quieter than usual cos I’ve got an awful headache. That’s literally all I expect from her but it just seems like she does not give a shit! I’ve been letting her have way more screen time and snacks to try and make up for the fact I can’t give her as much attention but she’s completely ungrateful about that too. I know she’s only 6 and probably hasn’t developed empathy yet and can’t understand what being ill like this is really like or how it feels, but by her age I’d expect a little bit more understanding and effort to not make things harder for me. She’s refusing to do anything I ask, screaming when I’ve told her how much it hurts my head..and actually screaming louder when I tell her it hurts my head. Not coming upstairs for bed when I ask, forcing me to go downstairs and get her even though she knows how difficult it is for me to get out of bed. Even my 2 yr old came and gave me a hug and one of his teddies to cuddle the other day when I was in bed. The emotional side of me is feeling hurt, angry and resentful but the logical side is saying I’m expecting way too much from her and she’s still little and needs me and maybe feels angry that I haven’t been able to do much with her. She has been lying next to me in bed watching tv though, but I guess it’s frustrating and maybe even a bit worrying to have a sick parent (mind you she doesn’t seem in the slightest bit worried!) so AIBU or should I be expecting a bit more from her at 6?

I actually think you need a bit more empathy for her. It'll be strange at the least, and probably scary, that you're suddenly behaving so differently and her sibling has been whisked off.

I'd read/watched lots of things about hospitals/health etc from about 4, so liked the idea of being a nurse. Has she seen anything like this, because if so, it would help her to think about supporting people-at that age, a lot is based on what they see? I used to have dolls in hospital beds, so I did things little me thought were nurse like, such as taking food and drink to my dad after he'd had minor surgery.
Cute? Not really, poor man was trying to sleep and I kept bothering him saying he needed to eat and drink.

It’s really hard, OP. My little guy is 6 as well, and luckily my mum had him when I couldn’t get out of bed. He’s high energy & was thrilled when she picked him up. I know he would definitely have carried on like your daughter if he was here with me the whole time… It was screens, snacks, not much else! A few hugs.

Thank you for these replies, it’s given me a bit of perspective on it. Sometimes she seems so grown up that I forget she’s still so little and I’m her everything. She was very cuddly last night, wanted to sleep in bed with me (which I said no to as I don’t want her catching this) and she said “I hope you feel better tomorrow” which was very sweet. (I don’t feel better, I feel worse 🤣)

I've been exactly where you are, OP, but without family support. It's grim and it's lonely.

I'm afraid I'd expect no more from a six year old. She's simply far too young to understand. She's possibly feeling frightened and bewildered. Mums fix everything and right now you can't so it'll feel a bit like the world is standing on its head.

Two suggestions. One - get friends to rally round. There's no shame in asking for help. Playdates, tea with friends etc. They'll all keep her entertained.
Two - can your mum stay at yours instead? She'll be a reassuring figure and company (as will the two year old) for your daughter.

Get well soon 💐

OP where is the father? Whether he is absent or dead you have a missing father problem and that’s unfortunate for all of you, but your child is behaving just like how I’d expect for a 5 year old.

And especially given your update this sounds like it is a classic case of the eldest daughter already being parentified.

So I’m actually glad she’s pushing back against it and choosing to act very much like the small child she is.

Not everyone has friends local or ones they can ask to help.

And Op has already said her mum can’t stay because of her pets. She also might be better not staying anyway if it’s contagious, so it’s just as well she took herself and the younger kid away.

I really think society needs to start asking why we let so many men off the hook and instead we expect female friends and relatives to pick up the slack.

I mean OPs father of kids might be dead for all I know, or she might have used a sperm donor etc, but generally speaking this happens in so many cases. The man just leaves and mothers are expected to lean on their parents, female friends, sisters and their eldest children etc.

Parenting is a 2 parent job! A relationship breaking down shouldn’t mean you abandon your kids. One of the children is only 2 as well.

You're right of course.
When this happened to me my ex refused to do anything and when you're really ill you don't have the strength to fight.
I try not to think about that situation as it was so upsetting for me and horrible for the children at the time. Even now, 25 years later, I'm still angry (I've managed to let the million other nastinesses go).
So yes, fathers/exes can be unbelievably selfish. But we knew that already, right?

Are you leaving a 6 year old downstairs for long periods on her own? I feel so sorry for you in your situation but you really can't leave her unsupervised other than brief periods. Will she come upstairs and sit with you reading a book or on an ipad? She will not understand fully what is going on and she might be scared, cut her some slack Op, it's only for a few days

No she’s mainly been in bed with me, playing with her teddies or we’ve been watching films together. She just tends to suddenly desperately need to go downstairs when bedtime’s getting near!

And my kids’ dad is in the picture. He’s not completely useless and I know he’d take them in this situation if he could, but he’s abroad for work and has been for months (so yeah, being a father isn’t his number 1 priority). He also didn’t abandon us, I left him. Usually I can cope fairly well with single parent-hood but I guess it just shows how important having a “village” is as soon as something goes wrong. She has good friends at the local school and I thought about asking one of their mums if she could come for a play date, but I’m not really close to any of them so firstly, that means I don’t really know the person who’s going to looking after her, and secondly, I feel it’s a bit cheeky to ask. I have other proper friends that she knows but I hate asking for help, I always have. It feels like I’ve got this cloud of owing them something hanging over my head afterwards. I know that probably sounds stupid but it just makes me feel very uncomfortable

Sorry op but even when your 6 yo is a teen you still won’t get what you’re hoping for- they’ll be good to you and somewhat sympathetic but still won’t truly get why you’re not running about for them!

Any neighbours???
get well soon op. Your mum should’ve taken them both! Is their Dad around?? Xxx

“Being parentified” give over..asking her to keep the noise down a bit and do what she’s told when I’ve got a headache is hardly parentification! Not as if I’m expecting her to do the laundry, mop my brow and bring me chicken soup now is it?!

OP, I feel you as I have just recovered from a horrific 2 day flu bug which completely wiped me out. I have a nearly 3 year old but had a lot of help with her and I still struggled. Also a single mum.

I think you wrote the original post in the depths of illness, fatigue and frustration and I totally feel you. Your replies show you realise this and I don’t think you deserve the pile on. Be kind to yourself, when you’re back to 100% have some cuddles and nice time with your 6 year old and all will be well. But your post hit home for me as 24 hours ago I was throwing up and bedridden while my 2 year old was watching probably her 30th hour of Paw Patrol.

Ugh, sounds like an absolute mare OP. Try listening to audiobooks with her. While you’re both in bed (to break up the movies). Something like the worst witch. Sharing a story without you actually having to do anything.

She's 5 years old. She's likely extremely bored. You may not like to ask for help but it sounds like you really need to for both of your sakes.

I agree - being a Mum means doing the best for your child. You may not always like that.

Is there a reason you can't be downstairs on the sofa with your duvet/ blankets rather than in bed during the day when she is home? I don't understand why she's mainly in bed with you, as you surely are trying to prevent her from catching it.

Hope you're better soon.

Oh gosh. I think because she’s your eldest and you have a 2 yo, you have fallen into the common trap of thinking your dd is/ should be much more mature than a 5 yo could ever be. Sadly, people tend to expect it more of girls too.

For some reason, there’s a trap where parents tend to think of their eldest as “big” and their youngest as “little” regardless of their actual ages, and calibrate their thinking accordingly, often wrongly.

YABU I’m afraid

5, even 6, is tiny. She won’t have the level of empathy you want.

She’ll be thinking about how scary it is that Mum is ill, how her needs, especially her need for stability and security, aren’t being met in the way they usually are.

It’s understandable you are allowing more screen time and snacks whilst you’re ill, but she’s not going to be grateful for this, she’ll be further disregulated by them.

A 5/6 is unlikely to just come up to bed when called to save a parent coming down - they just don’t think like that.

Massively unreasonable.
Youve got to put your big girl pants on, dose yourself up and push through as much as possible when she is with you, and leave sleep/resting when she is at school.

Bring some books/board games to your room or set yourself up on the sofa so she has access to her toys etc

Its not fair to expect her to just lie quietly with you on your bed! Watching TV more is definitely helpful in these situations but you need more in your "toolkit" because shes clearly dysregulated by the situation.

All behaviour is communication and she is clearly telling you, in the only way she can with the language/developmental sklls she has now, that she's struggling!

It's really tough being ill with kids unfortunately. I wish you a speedy recovery.

My kids behaved worse when I was sick because they were worried about me.
I think you need to be out of bed for a few hours with her. As someone else said dose yourself and push through!
Also don’t send a child who might have a flu on a play date.

I know she's only six...

She's only six. YABU.

Sympathy OP. Any chance she can go to after school club for a few days if you aren’t better to give you a shorter evening?

I'm sorry you're ill, but you're expecting far too much from a 5 year old.

If she's out at school from 9-3, then you are getting a good break anyway.

For what it's worth, I remember always getting anxious and unsure when my mum was ill. Even just something simple like a cold, or a random ache and pain, would really rattle me. I bet it impacted on my behaviour as well.

Just dose yourself up and try to get through it.