AIBU - BF and his priorities

[Choose11]

My relationship is in real difficulty at the minute.

My boyfriend lost his father 9 months ago and has moved in with his DM to care for her. I am not particularly welcome to visit her house.

I feel like I am at the literal bottom of the pile. I’m trying to be supportive and give him space but I’m not sure how much longer I can continue.

My BF is still working and he seems to enjoy being the person to solve every problem at work. His colleagues describe him as the ‘knight in shining armour’. He isn’t a manger or anything like that though. However, he is in a very secure position and they would struggle to replace him.

He is always complaining to me that work takes up too much of his time and I spend hours discussing how he might implement solutions to protect his time etc. However, despite asking me, nothing changes.

Ive been tipped over the edge today. Yesterday, I had another really bad day at my own job and he didn’t have any free time to speak to me. I managed to get hold of
him this morning and he didn’t ask me anything about what had happened. When I said can we chat it through, he didn’t seem interested. Then he told me that his boss has asked him to get involved in another project.

When I expressed surprise that he’d accepted the new project, he just dismissed this. Unfortunately in frustration I said to him that he was unable to maintain his relationships with me or his friends and that one day, he’d turn around and find that he had nothing left but his job.

He then asked me why I always got angry about his job. I replied that he was always complaining about not having time to enjoy his life but then continued to accept more and more work.

Anyway, he’s now not speaking to me. AIBU please?

He's just not that into you. Face it, however difficult. Dump him and move on, you deserve better.

He’s probably hoping you get bored and leave him of your own accord, so he doesn’t have to say or do anything.
Are you sure there is no one else ?

While I get that He May have a lot on his plate, and grieving his Dad's loss but It seems like you two just are not compatible. he seems to find time for everything but you. You are not a priority. No matter what my hubby was going through, when we were dating.....he'd find a way to communicate and not be a D&ck to me. I say end it.....he's not your person... Your person is still out there.

You've answered your question. Read the writing on the wall and free yourself to find your Guy.

Did he tell you they call him a knight in shining armour?

I used to be a bit of a workaholic and I enjoyed it. If he’s young and doesn’t have kids I think a strong work ethic is to be admired to be honest, it’s the only way you work your way up and it pays dividends in later life when you don’t have to worry about money.
People I know who work hard like this usually had the arrangement that they would work very hard in the week but ensure weekends were free for the family.

However think hard about this. Maybe you’d fundamentally rather have someone less hardworking and have them be around more if you have kids so you can focus on your career?

No! I think that would have caused me irreversible ick.

His colleague told me on a night out.

Stop embarrassing yourself by chasing after a man who is not interested in having a relationship with you

You've got an awful lot of life ahead of you. You absolutely do not need to keep wasting your time on him. It's pearls before swine. Leave him to his mother.

Go your own way. Maybe you'll find someone with a semblance of emotional intelligence, or maybe you won't. But your BF, quite honestly, sounds like "worse than nothing".

There's so much to do and experience out there in the world. Open your windows and look out. Widen your horizons. Travel. Study (Open OU; LEA classes; anything you fancy). Join a couple of groups. Even, for God's sake, get a cat. This BF sounds like an energy sucking, selfish misery. Bin job.

Good luck, OP.

He is showing you how much he cares about your relationship in his actions- not much 😞

I think what you said is correct, he will end up with only his job and then when he retires what is left?

I know it isn’t easy to do but I would walk away from this relationship and find someone who is willing to prioritise you and your relationship.

Bin him

But it's the truth. He will only have his job.

I had a boss. She was one of the first people who had email at home in about 1998. I'd come to work and there were emails sent at 2.30 in the morning. It was pointless I couldn't see them till the next morning. Her husband left, she confided in me it's was due to her never being "there". She didn't change though. She came into work upset one morning because her daughter called the child minder mummy. She was made redundant a few months later.

Some people only get validation in life through work. He seems like one of those and nothing will change. I'd bet when retires he gets involved in a charity and behaves exactly the same.

If his mother doesn't like you would it make sense that she is in his ear, putting you down?

It sounds like something has changed with him and he is sending out hints.

To me, it sounds like time for you to move on and find someone who puts value in you. jmho

There's no mileage in this. People who are so career focused need to be with someone who is equally as career focused, your priorities and expectations are mismatched.

I would absolutely step back from this man and prioritise my own life, arranging my plans without consulting him or waiting to hear from him.

I would wait for him to contact me now. And unless it was clear he was desperate to show me that he wanted to be a committed partner I would use it as the opportunity to decline whatever 'date' he was offering and tell him politely that I'd decided to end the relationship.

You owe him nothing now. Not even an explanation. Never make someone a priority to you when it's clear that you are just an option to them.

I would say that his mum his doing everything for him - cooking, washing, etc. His job is feeding his ego. He's not bothered about having a girlfriend as all his needs are being met. Move on and find a man who wants a relationship

Sorry you feel so miserable OP.

How long have you been seeing this guy and did you live together before he moved into his mum's?

There are a few telling things. You said you 'managed to get hold of him' the day after your problems at work. You also said you 'like' him rather than love him and you can't even see him for lunch let alone the weekend. You call him boyfriend rather than partner. These are things someone might say after only a few weeks or early months rather than a long term relationship. How often do you actually see each other?

Was he like this before his father died or only since? Is his plan to remain with his mother or is this temporary?

Sorry for all the questions but I think they are relevant because you refer to it as a 'relationship' but it doesn't sound like one.

If he was lovely to you, and gave you time before, he could be grieving and throwing himself into work. In that case maybe have a serious talk and, depending on his response, and your feelings for him, give him a few more months.

If he's always been a selfish wanker, walk now. There's someone better for you out there and you deserve better.

It's not about his job. He's not that into you.

Another 1 here who only attracts the takers.

Mate, you know the answer here. End it and move on.

Thank you so much - I hope you’re doing on as well?