AIBU - BF and his priorities

[Choose11]

My relationship is in real difficulty at the minute.

My boyfriend lost his father 9 months ago and has moved in with his DM to care for her. I am not particularly welcome to visit her house.

I feel like I am at the literal bottom of the pile. I’m trying to be supportive and give him space but I’m not sure how much longer I can continue.

My BF is still working and he seems to enjoy being the person to solve every problem at work. His colleagues describe him as the ‘knight in shining armour’. He isn’t a manger or anything like that though. However, he is in a very secure position and they would struggle to replace him.

He is always complaining to me that work takes up too much of his time and I spend hours discussing how he might implement solutions to protect his time etc. However, despite asking me, nothing changes.

Ive been tipped over the edge today. Yesterday, I had another really bad day at my own job and he didn’t have any free time to speak to me. I managed to get hold of
him this morning and he didn’t ask me anything about what had happened. When I said can we chat it through, he didn’t seem interested. Then he told me that his boss has asked him to get involved in another project.

When I expressed surprise that he’d accepted the new project, he just dismissed this. Unfortunately in frustration I said to him that he was unable to maintain his relationships with me or his friends and that one day, he’d turn around and find that he had nothing left but his job.

He then asked me why I always got angry about his job. I replied that he was always complaining about not having time to enjoy his life but then continued to accept more and more work.

Anyway, he’s now not speaking to me. AIBU please?

He sounds selfish

I think answers to this will depend on how old you both are, how long you've been together, any kids, etc. Because the two options for me would be either split or make a robust plan to get back to living together. But the latter option takes a lot more work, so it depends whether it's worth it or not.

He doesn't see you as important, and hasn't made a space for you in his life. You need to end the relationship.

I‘m early 40s and he is early 50s. No children together.

I like him but it feels to me like I am only there to make his life easier. The minute I have any feelings or issues of my own, I am not useful.

I don’t feel supported, valued or cared for. I feel like he cares more about his job than me.

So draw conclusions about that and move on.

I just don’t think he is that into you, sorry.

I think you’re right. However, I feel bad that I told him that one day he’d only have his job left. It upset him. But I was just frustrated that he isn’t hearing what I am saying.

I think you are correct. Unfortunately.

I agree with this. And to be honest, in my last relationship, it was me not making space for the relationship. I didn't value it or him. Horrible thing to say I know.

People that want to be with you will make time for you. When I was first with my ex I moved heaven and earth to make space to spend time with him. By the end, I just filled all my time with work because it was an avoidant technique that I knew he couldn't argue with.

Yeah, you call time on this relationship because he doesn't want to make time for it.

Then I reckon... life's too short to live like this. I'm not normally a LTB-er, but I'd end it.

I don't think anyone is BU here. You want to be a higher priority than you are, he wants you to be a lower priority, you're not compatible. It's ok for you to want different things. I would end the relationship.

Well, there’s your answer, surely. He’s not adding anything to your life. Toodle pip, WorkObsessiveMan.

I said to him that he was unable to maintain his relationships with me or his friends and that one day, he’d turn around and find that he had nothing left but his job

I think.you called it right OP.but I doubt he will change.
Much better to end the relationship because you are only a bit player in his life.

If this is how you feel then clearly the relationship is not working for you, and you should end it!

What you told him was the truth. You don’t need to feel badly about saying it, sometimes people need to hear difficult but truthful things.
He is probably grieving at the moment after losing his dad less than a year ago. Usually after about 18 months people seem to come back to being more themselves.
If I were in your position I would scale back expectations and the relationship as a whole, focus on yourself and your own social life - invest in yourself. You don’t need to have a big defining break up to move away from the relationship a bit and give yourself space. See how you feel in a little while and assess if moving in a separate direction from him would make you happier.

I told my exH once in a frustrated argument that he was going to end up a lonely old man (he was 12 years my senior) I was made to feel like it was the worst comment in the world. I tried to help him but ultimately I left. Guess what... yes he is!

You should leave him to his job and his mum I think. He’s pretty much just a weight for you to carry.

Why aren’t you welcome in the house?

Truth sometimes hurts.
Let him find out.
Protect yourself... move on. Being alone is better than this.

He sounds a bit overwhelmed. He lost his dad this year so is probably grieving, he has had to move in with his mother to be her carer and he is trying to do a good job at work at the same time. You then want to offload your problems on him on top of all of that. I think I would struggle to muster up much enthusiasm for that in his position.

Can you ask him to go out with you and do something fun instead? It all sounds a bit doom and gloom.

That is a whole different story.

This is literally the second time I’ve asked for any support in the whole 9 months. Otherwise, it’s been me showing up for him, supporting him, listening to him.

I have asked him to do something this weekend and he’s too busy with his family and I’ve asked him to
meet for lunch one day this week and asked him to let me know what days work best for
him. He hasn’t with any availability so I am not sure what else I can do!

OP, you are free therapy.
An empty vessel that he uses.
Where is your self worth?
Wasting time with someone like this.
Work satisfies his ego.
You are someone to listen to him.

Wake up and find some self respect.
You really are wasting your time and deserve so much better than this.

Sorry OP, you sound like his emotional support animal. He expects you to be there to listen to him, support him, soothe him and empathise with him whenever he wants to moan or get something of his chest.

He absolutely does not do the same for you. This is not an equal partnership. Relationships should add something positive to your life, however he sounds like one of life's takers.