AIBU - BF and his priorities

[Choose11]

My relationship is in real difficulty at the minute.

My boyfriend lost his father 9 months ago and has moved in with his DM to care for her. I am not particularly welcome to visit her house.

I feel like I am at the literal bottom of the pile. I’m trying to be supportive and give him space but I’m not sure how much longer I can continue.

My BF is still working and he seems to enjoy being the person to solve every problem at work. His colleagues describe him as the ‘knight in shining armour’. He isn’t a manger or anything like that though. However, he is in a very secure position and they would struggle to replace him.

He is always complaining to me that work takes up too much of his time and I spend hours discussing how he might implement solutions to protect his time etc. However, despite asking me, nothing changes.

Ive been tipped over the edge today. Yesterday, I had another really bad day at my own job and he didn’t have any free time to speak to me. I managed to get hold of
him this morning and he didn’t ask me anything about what had happened. When I said can we chat it through, he didn’t seem interested. Then he told me that his boss has asked him to get involved in another project.

When I expressed surprise that he’d accepted the new project, he just dismissed this. Unfortunately in frustration I said to him that he was unable to maintain his relationships with me or his friends and that one day, he’d turn around and find that he had nothing left but his job.

He then asked me why I always got angry about his job. I replied that he was always complaining about not having time to enjoy his life but then continued to accept more and more work.

Anyway, he’s now not speaking to me. AIBU please?

he's showing you what's important to him and how he wants to spend his time.

Ah, OK. When you said yesterday I had another really bad day it sounded like that was a frequent thing.

I think, because you have asked him to do something this weekend and he isn't enthusiastic about it but he does get enthused by work, you are unfortunately not a priority and it's not because of the special circumstances he is in now. You can do better and find someone who wants to be with you and spend time with you. This isn't a partnership.

@Choose11 I dont think I have any advice, but this post really resonated with me, the part about only being there to make his life easier.

You're not alone, for what its worth ❤️

Sounds a bit like my ex - he was never there for me, I was last in line. He acted like it was about me not appreciating his strong work ethic and nagging him when he couldn't help having long hours. I thought he was being used, and wanted him to spend more time with me - and thought I'd failed to communicate that. But now I'm with someone who is considerate enough to work things out on his own, who takes any issues I have seriously and apologises where necessary. No more second-guessing and wondering if I am the one being unreasonable. It's simple.

Unfortunately I agree with you, you are only there to make his life easier. In your position I would match his energy. Just don't call him or contact him and wait for him to come arrange something with you. Go out with friends or find new hobbies.
I'd also make way less appointments for him to come to my house if you can't go to his either. I'd arrange to meet out instead. 'Bob, I'm not comfortable always meeting at my place and never yours, this is very one-sided'. When he explains his place is off limits for whatever reason 'That's not my problem, up to you to find a solution if it is a problem for you'. Presumably he will start to see an issue when he gets no opportunities for sex.
Lastly I'd pick up his phone calls less if they are just an opportunity for him to talk about himself. Text him back you are doing 'x' and can't talk - what did he want to discuss?
If your dates are an opportunity for him to offload about work I'd be a lot less supportive. Don't follow up his conversation with sympathy and advice, just listen without comment then change the subject. If he asks you for input just say you have nothing to add that you have not already said on the subject many times.
Either he will change or the relationship will die a natural death. I suspect he also he may get angry at you for being 'unsupportive' and 'never willing to find time for him' and he will end it when it is no longer all about him.

I have to agree with the consensus, it's hard to accept after the time and effort you've put into the relationship but it looks like your best option is to try and detach from him and then move on with your life.
Personally I think I would just ghost him, leave him twisting in the wind.

Could also be worth exploring whether he is spending that time doing what he says he is doing.

I like him but it feels to me like I am only there to make his life easier. The minute I have any feelings or issues of my own, I am not useful.

You have answered your own question. You don't need random strangers to cloudy your conclusion.

That doesn’t sound like he’s actually in the relationship. How often do you see him? Talk to him? Does he take you out? When do you spend time together and what do you do?

You are still young. You don’t know it, but you are. Don’t waste this time.

A reasonable question, all the same.
But either way, this is a moribund ‘relationship’ as far as adding any joy to your life goes, and your clinging on seems pointless really.
(I wouldn't be surprised if ten years from now you were his mother’s carer, followed by being his. Amscray!)

Doesn't sound like a partnership

Oh gosh no, I am sorry if I came across as dismissive. It is a perfectly valid question.

it is a fairly long saga involving his family not wanting people to their house. His DM has never been more than tepid towards me and his sibling actively appears to
dislike me simply for existing.

It is genuinely nothing I’ve ever done.

Honestly just LTB. He is not bothered, you are just handy to have around when he wants you.

Oh, gosh no OP! I am doing a crap job with everything this morning.
I didnt mean that remark in a scolding way at all, but as a sort of backup to the query itself, as I was curious myself.

You poor soul, things sound pretty miserable. I hope you can turn your gaze and focus on identifying things and people who bring back some light and cheer to your life.
You sound like a lovely person, and you certainly merit better treatment than this.

What’s the point of the relationship then? It’s pretty clear from his actions that you aren’t as important to him as he is to you, why settle for that? The longer you stay with him, the longer you miss out on the opportunity to meet someone who really values you.

I had this one. Spent a lot of time talking about his job and course he was on, from problems he had learning a skill to office gossip and hierarchy. Even day would consist of constant updates, texts on his way to work, phonecalls on his breaks and a debrief once he got home. When I had one big problem at work (eventually taken to tribunal) he didn't seem to care and definitely didn't have time for it. Made me feel worthless and used.

I disagree that he's not that into you, plenty of blokes can be madly in love with you, but are only interested in the help offered to them and don't want to reciprocate it.

Your message was absolutely fine! I should have expanded rather than shut it down like I did, especially given that I mentioned it!

Thank you for your kind message though. 🙂

Many people in their 50's have caring responsibilities for aging parents - that is just a fact of life. But they do this in conjunction with maintaining a relationship not at the expense of it.

You also say his mother and sister are apathetic towards you.. I think this says a lot. If he was gushing about you to them, declaring his love and singing your praises I think this would shine through in how his family feel about you. I suggest he displays a certain level of apathy towards you when with them so they mirror his feelings.

I bet he was just the same before his father died. You are only in your 40s, he is demonstrating clearly where you are in the pecking order of his life. And that seems pretty low down. I would put yourself at the top and move on.

How long have you been going out? It must be more than nine months since that's the duration you mentioned him moving back in with his mum (from having lived together with you?). You say you've asked him to have lunch one day this week and he doesn't seem to have availability - is that because he's giving you the silent treatment after you were honest with him or does that predate this?

It just sounds like you're in early dating and his life is not in any way geared towards you or the relationship (and that he's just not that into you as someone who else said) but I could be missing important details. The decision to move somewhere where you can't visit is extremely significant.

What does he actually add to your life, in real terms?

Not, what would he like you to believe he adds to your life.

This is a perfect answer imo

If he wants to come around you say no, it’s starting to feel like you’re just here when you want to vent and as a booty call, you have no actual interest in me and are never able to actually go do something, so I don’t want you to come around.

I wouldn’t be bothered with someone you just “ like” giving you so much grief. Cut him loose

Why? Isn’t it the truth?

People like you amaze me. You've read a short paragraph and with no other information to hand - not even an enquiry as to if this is new behaviour - you come out with something as final as "You need to end the relationship."