Support from husband

[Mehmeh22]

DC had some issues with kids being unkind and she didn't want to go back to school after summer break. I informed the school and there was a plan in place to ensure DC felt safe.

Last week, one of the kids I highlighted physically assaulted DC. It was handled badly by the school and I was very upset.

We had a meeting booked to discuss today and I asked DH to come with me for support. I can handle situations on my own but having him there helped me feel more confident and also as back up if the teachers tried to lie or something.

In the meeting, we were talking and I look at my husband and he is either staring out the window, laying his head on his hand and just staring into space. I was upset with that because it was obvious he didn't want to be there. I didnt say anything.

Near the end of the meeting, the teacher said she had another meeting but had a few minutes left. I reiterated how I wanted to handle things moving forward and they kept trying to defend themselves. So I felt they still didnt understand why I was upset, so explained again.

As we were leaving, DH said "my name, come on, they have another meeting and we are going round in circles here"

I was quite embarrassed by this comment. Like my concerns were not valid. I said nothing in front of them, but I did give him a look that I was not happy with the comment.

When we came out, I asked why he said that, and he said, "well you were. Now you're angry at me for voicing my opinion. I can't have an opinion. Ill just keep my mouth shut in future". He looked furious. I had not raised my voice at him and said I was hurt and embarrassed.

I tried to talk to him after and he said he was so angry at me that he wanted to smash everything. He wont do this....he just says this when he is angry. 6 hours later and he is in his room and not coming out.

Aibu?

What do I do??

Well your DH thought you were going round in circles, and the teacher also seemed to perhaps think the same, so it might be an idea re-thinking about what has actually been said in the meeting.

I very much dislike the fact you went into the meeting and took your DH with you on the basis the teacher might lie. That's so rude.

When a child has been assaulted, teacher's don't lie. They deal with facts and evidence. Facts need to be separated from "he said, she said".

Why do you feel it was handled badly? What did you want as an outcome that didn't happen?

Why don't you try putting a summary of the meeting in writing?

Leave him to sulk and don’t waste your evening trying to figure out his tantrum .
If he is useless in school meetings , then dont ask him along next time . Some people are just no good at standing up for themselves/ to authority - and ot sounds like he isn’t .

I’m with @TwinklyAmberSloth on this.
what did you want as an outcome and what did the school propose? What was the final agreement.

There is a lot of missing information, but it does read like DH knew how you would handle the meeting and is uncomfortable with what that. I do wonder why it was your meeting with the school and not “your and DH” meeting the school. Are you a control freak? Is he allowed an opinion? Had you discussed it with him previously. Had you discussed and planned for the meeting together?

it sounds like a pattern of behaviour between the two of you and one you need to work through quite urgently.

And as @TwinklyAmberSloth said, were you listening and discussing with the school or obliviously stamping your foot ?

Yes they do actually. I've worked in schools and have several teachers in the family, the stories I could tell you about blatant lies and lack of accountability.

They said it would be handled a certain way and wasn't. She was very wise to go in with suspicion.

I have been in situations before when I have gone to a school meeting alone and they have told others that I said something I didn't say. So I have reasons to bring someone with me. That's not rude.

I've now dealt with the matter with the school. My issue is with my husband and his reaction. Fair enough he thought I was going round in circles. But why not tell me this in private later?

I have the same impression as previous posters. Is your DH a husband of the year? No. But it sounds as though you were going round in circles. You didn't feel happy about the school's response but that does not matter they didn't understand why you were upset. I am sure they did and another explanation wouldn't have e changed the options they had for dealing with the situation. Not getting the outcome you expect does not always mean you get a different outcome if you keep reiterating how you feel. I'm fact, it is often better to leave feelings aside altogether.
The fact that you brought your husband "for support" suggests to me that there was never a plan for him to be an active participant in this meeting. I would be surprised if he knew what outcome you wanted to achieve or what the strategy was.

What to do? Just sit with it for now. Think about the events which led to this situation and whether he is entirely to blame here. Them have a discussion when dust has settled.

Because I am the one who normally deals with issues at the school so it falls to me as the default parent. He was off work, so able to come. He knew how upset I was and my daughter when the incident happened and agreed that they were wrong in the way they handled it.

The reason it went round in circles is because I was trying to wrap up and say, please dont do that again, but they kept giving me reasons why they did it, which then made me feel the need to put my point across.

By their own admission, it was a serious incident, and they decided to message me half a story. Then I hear my daughters side, and it was far worse. Plus she was upset all night. When the school completed their investigation, my daughter did nothing to instigate the attack.

But that information is almost not relevant, especially as it is outing. Its my husbands reaction I am asking about.

Your husbands reaction says you are not a team, and you need to work on your relationship if you want it to survive.

Your husbands reaction says he is resigned to you doing things your way, he isn’t even asked if he has an opinion let alone being granted permission by you to voice it.

He is in “his” not “your”🤔 room as he knows you want an argument, one that is one sided and with only one outcome: he has clearly been in this situation too many times before so has, sensibly, removed himself from it. He is checking out of your marriage. Use this as a wake up.

Fidgety31
Leave him to sulk and don’t waste your evening trying to figure out his tantrum .
If he is useless in school meetings , then dont ask him along next time . Some people are just no good at standing up for themselves/ to authority - and ot sounds like he isn’t .

Or maybe they were going around in circles or he thought the teacher was dealing with it. Everything doesn’t have to be a battle

yanbu and it would annoy me too. You want to feel that your partner is on your side and you felt shown up and embarrassed. I understand. Not sure why people are giving you a hard time here.

I was in a situation about 8years ago when two teachers were giving us the run around about a sexual assault issue on an 8yo boy (my stepson) and they completely dismissed it. They denied everything - including all previous reports of this until I was able to read what they already had written down on their side of the table. I can read upside down and after 30mins of lies and BS and i ran rings around them and they were astounded. I was also astounded that they weren’t clever enough not to have covered it or to have brought clear sheets for their notes. They couldn’t deny anything afterwards although they’d denied everything previously. Do not believe anything you are told

Wow so many assumptions there.

He is in 'the' bedroom because he thinks I want an argument but I didn't show aggression. I just didn't understand why he reacted in that way. I told him im hurt and confused yet I'm classed as controlling?

Of course he is allowed his opinion. Anyone is but if you want to be heard, you have to check your delivery. Am I not allowed an opinion back? Or we all just say a load of hurtful things and expect to brush it off?

Your husband is a complete and utter waster.
He went to the meeting under duress and made that clear to everyone there.
He then had to further put you down.

He didn't contribute, add to your points or bother his arse making it clear he backed you up.

A loser for a husband and father.

I have been in such a meeting with my husband and if he behaved like that I would filet him afterwards.

I'm so sorry. He's one of life's losers.
He doesn't care enough to do any more than the bare minimum.

In your place I couldn't look at him.
I hope things get better for your daughter.

You are not a team and he is not on your side or his childs.
Thats very clear.

A good father would be all over this.

He should have been present and attentive regardless of his feeling that you were going round in circles. He shouldn’t have said that in front of the people you were meeting with. He should have shown a united front for your daughter’s sake. I’d be pretty pissed off with him too.

As for saying he wants to smash things, he needs to learn how to cope when he’s angry without saying such things.

Some assumptions as lots of missing information. However having been and witnessed very similar situations I am speaking from a place of knowledge, recognition and understanding.

You mention aggression quite often, that I don’t understand as very few uncomfortable or heated discussions, or arguments are aggressive.

Absolutely no need to throw hurtful comments about, that’s not beneficial to either side and if that’s the reality of what’s happening then you really do have a bigger issue here. A conversation about the situation with DC and the school has no place for those.

Yes, you should both be discussing your own opinions equally, the bit I feel you are missing is that involves more listening than it does speaking. As one of my most trusted friends says “you are born with two ears and one mouth for a reason”.

Your husband didn’t see any point in being back in the cycle, and circle, of “argument”. Surely you can understand that too. And the fact he said this at the end of the meeting and in front of the school rather than after was him being embarrassed by YOU. He is clearly used to this pattern of behaviour where you push a point round and round and it doesn’t go anywhere and you can’t move out of it until you feel you have “won”.

Please think it through over the next few days and attempt to see your behaviour from the outside.

Urm....I think you've read something different to what I wrote.

There was no aggression or name calling. He felt uncomfortable because he hates any form of confrontation....this is to his detriment. There was literally no need for him to be so defensive. Fair enough if he felt it went in circles to him, but that doesn't mean he can be dismissive of me in front of others. He would have been far more effective if he took me to one said after the meeting and expressed his opinion.

Another phrase springs to mind...if you can't say anything kind, don't say anything at all.

No I read what you said several time.

“He would have been far more effective if he took me to one said after the meeting and expressed his opinion.”

That relies on you allowing him to, and from what you have articulated you wouldn’t have let him do that.

”that doesn't mean he can be dismissive of me in front of others”

Agree, however if this is as it appears and is repetitive behaviour, it sounds like he is at breaking point with it ( and given what you describe of him in the meeting then he is), it’s no surprise he “lost it”. When people get to this point that’s what happens, it becomes public, they aren’t prepared to hide anymore, or they can’t hold back any longer.

I agree about being kind. I also believe in being black and white and to the point, particularly when people are blinkered and only looking for responses that support their perspective. I like balance and transparency

You say that you were going round in circles. He says that you were going round in circles. The meeting has to end sometime. I don't see your problem.

It sounds like his view was you were being too much in this meeting. The body language, his ending comment. To be honest it sounds like he was embarrassed about how you conducted yourself. I wonder rather than just go on the defensive you could consider whether there might be some truth in that and if so why. Did you talk about how to approach the situation before you went in?

look I get it, my dd is having some issues at school too, some which have been handled very badly. I get angry too. But dh and discuss it and often he will read emails to them etc before I send them and tell me to tone it down if needed. Sometimes I disagree, but I take it on board. Everyone has different ways of dealing with things, and your way is neither the only nor the automatically correct one.

Op, I agree with you. He sounds like a total waste of space, and everyone is missing what you wrote at the end, that he’s so angry he wants to smash everything. That is not normal behaviour. He sounds totally checked out of family life. Do you actually want to be with him?

Im very happy to be blunt and to the point.

He can't do that usually but tends to let his emotions build up and then react like this.

I just wouldn't allow the staff to talk absolute rubbish to excuse their behaviour. The teachers were also going in circles.

Whether the conversation was boring, repetitive, going nowhere is almost irrelevant tbh. I was asking about his reaction.

I feel like im going in circles now! Thank you to those who read my post properly and gave me food for thought.