To be a bit annoyed with my friend? Money related

[TacticalNameChanging]

I have a very good friend of many years.

Our lives have taken different paths. In short I’m married, comfortable (but not rich), 2 kids, nice home, both husband and I have good stable employment.

Friend also has 2 kids but had to leave her abusive ex 6 years ago. She stopped working when their first baby was born and never married him, she left penniless and now lives in a small flat subsidised by UC. She works very hard but NMW.

I’ve always tried to help. Leant her £500 to help buy furniture for her flat (she paid this back slowly), picked up the tab if we went out for a meal, tried to be generous on birthdays and Christmases. That sort of thing.

We have arranged with 2 mutual friends to go away in a few weeks, and I said I would cover her accommodation costs (not a huge amount, I said to consider it an early Xmas present). I then booked the activity and asked her to transfer me for her share, which somehow felt awkward and she didn’t respond to it for a few days.

However today I feel like the scales are falling from my eyes a bit. We were pottering around the shops and she bought a £90 coat. We don’t shop much together so just assumed she would be too skint for something like that. She’s also posted a lot of videos lately on nights out with other friends, doing things that don’t look cheap (boat party events, the races, that kind of thing).

AIBU to now stop being ‘financially helpful’ and just revert to ordinary friend where we all pay for ourselves? Am I being a mug.

So people on 60k can get universal credit?

Yes revert to ordinary friendship, some people are just like this. My brother aggressively asked me for a £5000 loan to help out his new business. I found out by accident he had just been given $500000 for his old business. I confronted him , he admitted it- oh I'd never use my own money building up a business, he saw nothing wrong in that- sounds as if your friend is of a similar mind.

Where can you get a decent winter coat for £90?

I had a friend who constantly cried poverty. I never leant her money, but she would do anything to avoid paying, and I let her.
Then she bought her first property mortgage free, using her savings (not a gift from oarents, not an inheritance.... savings).
We arent friends any longer, though once every couple years I'll end up out with a larger friend group and see her. She hasnt changed!

It’s not a ‘warm coat’, it’s more of a glam type jacket you would wear on a night out.

Thanks for all the comments I’m reading them all and taking them into account

I won’t be ‘generous’ again that’s for sure

Benefits are pretty generous, your friend never needed your help as much as you thought.

I’ve been guilty of doing this too. It made me feel good in myself to think that I was helping someone else. But there’s a fine line between playing Lady Bountiful and just being a good friend. I don’t think I always got it right either.

OP, I think you’ve been a lovely friend, but I agree - probably time to rein it in. No big drama, but just rest at peace that your intentions came from a good place x

And some people make huge assumptions about their friend’s finances and have to ‘help’ and then get annoyed when those assumptions are wrong.

I didn’t make assumptions she kept telling me she was skint

Beside the furniture loan has she ever actually asked you for help? Or have you just assumed she needed it? Did she say she couldnt afford to pay for her own hotel or did you jump in and tell her your paying as her Xmas present? As someone on a low income id find a friend like you patronising. It sounds like you enjoy helping her like like shes your personal charity case. The way you describe both of your lives its obvious you think youve done better in life and maybe on paper you have but has it ever occurs to you she is perfectly happy with her lot?

YABU because you have gone out of your way to offer this. I mean you must be very comfortable to offer such Xmas prezzie. Its not something I would do but I do think the buck stops with you OP.

Scale back OP.

What was in it for you? Apart from the loan for furniture which she paid back, she hasn't actually asked you for anything. It sounds like you decided that she needed help based on her circumstances, and admittedly yes she accepted, but buying generous birthday/Christmas presents and paying whenever you go out, could be seen as you having a White Knight or saviour complex. I don't think that £90 is too much to spend on a coat, and social events don't have to be expensive. She isn't asking you for anything to maybe stop trying to rescue her.

I have a friend like this. She’s constantly complaining that she has no money, she’s in her overdraft, only has 53p to her name for the rest of the month etc… then she books a holiday/uploads pics of her eating out in an expensive restaurant (this happens almost every weekend), going shopping, buying clothes, coffees & cake…
I’ve learned that what she says isn’t necessarily the truth, and she loves to play the victim. Although we’re still friends, I don’t feel sorry or lend her money anymore,
I’m sorry you’re experiencing this. It’s weird.

Yeah, Iv been there. But it's not your friends problem, it's mostly yours.
My friend was always skint, no money to go out, I paid all the time, I was her go to for a moan etc. Abusive partner.
It's a saviour style complex, being compassionate, buying big gifts, basically supporting another adult emotionally and financially.
Doesn't make you a bad person but whats going on within you that being partly responsible for a grown adult is better than a balanced reciprocal friendship?
The scales that are falling from your eyes you have put up yourself, your pals being a chancer, yes, but unless she's stealing or manipulating you out of the money, it's you offering and paying.
Have a look at what's going on that your struggling with, in your own life, which is making you seek this type of friendship set up.
If your friendship stops when you stop paying let it go. Or it might strengthen if your both seen as equals. Doesn't cost anything to go for a walk or meet up in public spaces, encourage promotion or job seeking.
I still have good friends, I will pay for my turn of lunches, buy presents, be generous and thoughtful, but maybe not feel responsible to ensure friend has a holiday or nights out solely from my pocket continously.

Whats the issue? Shes not as skint as you originay thought?

You have chosen to do these things and it doesn't sound like she's asked. Not her fault if you're now regretting it and want her to be more skint than she actually is.

And you've told us you aren't rich, but I'd bet my last fiver you are to me. Just because she isn't skint in your eyes, doesn't mean she doesn't feel it. Subjective.

I made a friend at a baby class: we were both on mat leave but I had a more generous package than she did and she was on stat maternity pay. She was always saying how tight things were so I would do little things like pay for her coffee, make lunch round at mine, buy small things like teething gel for her baby while we were out and about. I even used to pay for expensive parking when I visited her as I didn’t like to use up her visitors permits (the done thing where I live would always be to offer to pay for your guests parking). She used to tell me about bargains she’d found at various shops and we’d share thrifty tips.

long story short she let slip after a while that their NET household income was £600k. per annum. Husband was a venture capitalist. She was stingy. I was a mug.

I do sometimes think the ones who know you will swoop in and help are the ones who respect you least when you give them more each time. I made this mistake and didn't learn - lent a friend money (thousands) that was never repaid and went back for more (cleaning her home, helping her pets, getting her food etc) for years. She finally told me what she thought of me one night by text and refused to apologise, so that was the end of her gravy train!

Sometimes we just want to make excuses for people and sadly these types often know those who will keep giving despite everything. Really I can see I was just enabling her and other mutual friends were sticking with her despite her behaviour because I kept vouching for her. It wasn't fair on any of us and I will not be doing that again.

I hate it when things like this happen. My DIL pleads poverty all the time! ‘Oh I will bring you a present after pay day.’ ‘Oh we’re cutting back.’ And then everyone I see her she tells me about the 3 meals they’ve eaten in restaurants since I last saw her or she buys something completely frivolous and unnecessary while we’re together. Meanwhile,
I’m paying for her dinner and drinks and cooking meals from scratch week in week out to save money. I think some people are just not bothered if you know they’re taking the piss to be honest. It shows they have zero respect for you really IMO. It’s hard to accept when it’s someone you love / care deeply for.

@TacticalNameChanging perhaps she'd saved all year or been given the money for the coat as a gift.

@Teffe wow, she's the queen of cheeky fkry

Time to tighten the purse strings. We teach people how to treat us. Looks like she's got you down as a soft touch.

Maybe her other nights out are being funded by other friends, she might not be using her own money there either

I used to have a friend like this years ago

She was skint,couldn't afford bills or dog food so she went out and bought a kitten

If someone else didn't buy things for either animal or her house,they would go without

She seemed to think I'm loaded as I live with dp

I would buy her coffees and the odd treat

She rang me one day in tears,saying that she'd had a debt collection letter and couldn't afford the £600,would i pay it for her?(I couldn't afford to even if I wanted to-she would never have paid it back)

Long story short,she was on more money than dp and I-she just spent it on crap like sweets,junk and cheap clothes rather than bills and food

Finally the dog died and the kitten ran away (she refused to have him snipped,so he went roaming and must have got lost)

She's still moaning that she can't afford to pay her bills (her mother is paying them) and is still spending on tat from temu

You’ve been very generous and too trusting. Never lend anyone money.