To be a bit annoyed with my friend? Money related

[TacticalNameChanging]

I have a very good friend of many years.

Our lives have taken different paths. In short I’m married, comfortable (but not rich), 2 kids, nice home, both husband and I have good stable employment.

Friend also has 2 kids but had to leave her abusive ex 6 years ago. She stopped working when their first baby was born and never married him, she left penniless and now lives in a small flat subsidised by UC. She works very hard but NMW.

I’ve always tried to help. Leant her £500 to help buy furniture for her flat (she paid this back slowly), picked up the tab if we went out for a meal, tried to be generous on birthdays and Christmases. That sort of thing.

We have arranged with 2 mutual friends to go away in a few weeks, and I said I would cover her accommodation costs (not a huge amount, I said to consider it an early Xmas present). I then booked the activity and asked her to transfer me for her share, which somehow felt awkward and she didn’t respond to it for a few days.

However today I feel like the scales are falling from my eyes a bit. We were pottering around the shops and she bought a £90 coat. We don’t shop much together so just assumed she would be too skint for something like that. She’s also posted a lot of videos lately on nights out with other friends, doing things that don’t look cheap (boat party events, the races, that kind of thing).

AIBU to now stop being ‘financially helpful’ and just revert to ordinary friend where we all pay for ourselves? Am I being a mug.

Yes, you are being a mug.
shame on her

I've told this before..my mate was always announcing she had £2.79 left that week or similar..
I paid for coffees, lunches, even her car park at times. I was on maternity..
Until the day she rocked up in a green Mercedes sports car with private reg.

I backed away. Been 11 years since I text her back.

Cheeky fuckery has no boundaries..

Wow!!!!!!

Think that trumps @TacticalNameChanging . But yes yadnbu. Cfs are everywhere. They're disgusting.

Some people are leeches .
There was a story I think I read here about an individual pleading poverty and accepting all sorts of dinners drinks etc only for it to come out that they didn’t want to touch their savings .

Don't lend friends money.

If she's skint or struggling her family should be the one's helping her in this regard.

It's shouldn't be left to her friends or specifically one friend (YOU) to continually support her financially.

Don't feel guilt for making smart life choices, working hard and having a comfortable bank balance.

If you have spare cash put it in your DC savings. Your money is for you and you family.

How would you feel if DH was lending his pal from the pub cash on a regular basis? I'd be severely pissed off my partner was funnelling off our hard earned pot of money to a pal because he felt sorry for him.

Wow you have been very generous and a good friend, what a shame she's taken advantage of that

Did you say anything when she bought the coat? I bet you were dumbfounded!

But has she ever asked you to do this? I assume she asked for the furniture loan, which she repaid, but you've been the one volunteering to pay for lunches etc all along...? If she's been posting on her SM videos of expensive nights out and bought a not inexpensive coat in front of you, she's not pretending to be poorer than she is. You'd just come up with some narrative of her being on her uppers, and seem to have only just realised she isn't.

Yeah, I'd take this as my cue to dial back the generosity. Just treat her as you would any other friend. Normal gift spending, no bonus freebies, and no offers of loans.

You're a very generous person. Im sorry your friend has taken the piss. Tell her to pay what she owes. You're no longer subsidising her.

How can these people hold their heads up?
It was very kind of you, @TacticalNameChanging & I hope you stay the same lovely person that you obviously are.

It sounds like you’ve just assumed she can’t afford it so have been offering, rather than she’s been pleading poverty and asking.

Regardless, she should have said no, and YANBU to stop now.

Yes, exactly. And sure, she could have said no to being bought lunch, obviously, but I don't see any evidence she's been pleading poverty to the OP. The evidence (buying the coat, posting going to the races etc on her SM) suggests the opposite.

If she can afford 90 quid for a coat she's not penniless. I would be bloody furious and cut off her easy income stream (AKA you!!)
A fine example of CFery if ever I saw one!!

Um why are you assuming she’s skint if she’s getting benefits and working full time, ?

I view this slightly differently. There is something in it for you to be acting lady bountiful - perhaps the feeling e.g. “I am generous at Christmas and birthdays” - why? Doesn’t this just put your friend in an awkward position of either trying to match you or being expected to be grateful. Wouldn’t it be more gracious to say “ Let’s not do gifts - perhaps you would like to go for a meal in the new year or something” and see if she seems keen look for a £15 set meal or something in the new year and see if she fancies it - paying for yourselves (ask if the price is alright so that is clear) and waiting until next pay after Xmas.

The holiday you said you “booked the activity” - did you ask her? Did she already say she wanted to take part/ pay for this activity? Would she have preferred to wait until pay day? Sometimes paying for people is a way to get what we want and not have to consult too much about what the other person wants so make sure you are not doing that.

You shouldn’t assume that your friend is skint on universal credit, and if she is or if she isn’t it really isn’t your business. I think a good friend would downgrade to a cheap hotel room and a bargain activity rather than splashing the cash and expecting someone to be grateful and live in sack cloth to show their poverty really.

Lot’s of people on universal credit top ups get an income someone has to earn 60k plus to have so you can’t assume anything, equally she might just be getting the coat on Clarna, and either way it’s none of your business.

If you offered to pay for these things then she if not taking you for a mug, she's just taking your offers at face value. YANBU to stop offering to pay for things, but YABU to judge her for not refusing your offers of help as she probably just thinks you are being kind and generous and that you wouldn't offer if you didn't want to.

Also, a £90 coat will last longer and keep her warmer than a cheaper one.

It was probably justified to help her 6 years ago when it all first kicked off, but clearly she's in a better place now (or she's putting it all on credit).

Assuming that she does have more disposable income, you'd hope one of her first actions would be to buy you dinner for once to thank you for the years of support.

Instead she's continuing to take from you with one hand and spend it on big nights out with the other. She's taken advantage of your kindness and it's really not a good look.

Up to you but I'd stop subsidising her and if she says 'oh I won't be able to afford to go' just make sympathetic noises.
Alternatively just drift away - this sadly may happen anyway of she loses her cash cow.

Some people don't have any family to help, though, so I'd not mind helping a friend if it's genuine, or my husband doing that. And I'd be just as annoyed at family taking money, then suddenly buying a £90 coat, as a friend. It's whether they're a CF like this one that would bother me.

I always say don't lend anyone money as you will immediately begin to watch their spending and get irked if they are buying unnecessary stuff. I loaned a friend 250 as she was in trouble but immediately l felt it changed the relationship. So l just said no need to pay me back..its on me so l could get over that watching her spend bit. I have a sister whom l dearly love but she spends in ways l wouldn't. She is often struggling for money and l am tempted to bail her out but l know she will then go to Amsterdam for the weekend a few weeks later and l will resent it. So overall l have learnt to keep your friends on an even keel and no resentment will build-up.

I think you should say that you've had an unexpected large cost and she will need to pay her own accommodation cost now.

I dunno, I think there's been a bit of saviour complex going on from your side. You wanted to show how benevolent you were to the 'poor relation' friend and it's backfired.

This comment says more about you than the OP. Some people are generous and they don’t like to see their friends go without.

It's better if you just treat her like any other friend. However, as said, it depends on the coat. A waterproof etc coat is a good investment and costs less than a £40 coat from Tesco etc, overall. If she drifts off and chooses to spend her money going out with other people, you know the friendship has ran its course.

Years ago despite being married I had a friend who never seemed to have any money but had a lot of debt. She also had 3 DCs. We went for day out with fairs and stalls and whilst I said I'd treat her DC to rides she stood there and let me. She then bought herself a new dress from one of the stalls.

Some people just take advantage.