Why do I feel like I’ve done something wrong?

[phonyx]

We see dhs parents around once a month last week I pointed out to dh that we are busy the next two weekends so we would either have to see them this weekend or leave it three weeks (which would be 6 weeks in total) Dh didn’t arrange anything . Cue this weekend it’s my birthday Saturday and I’ve made plans with kids, dh and my sister. Dh parents rang they want to come Saturday . I’ve said no we have plans, dh pushed back a bit saying they could come Saturday morning but they live an hour away so they can’t really nip in for twenty minutes. And I wanted a lay in/ lazy morning in my pjs so I’ve said no. They have plans on the Sunday (as do I but dh could have seen them) Next weekend we are away so we will see them the weekend after. Dh has accepted it but seemed miffed I won’t just accommodate it. Aibu to think he should have just made plans for last weekend?

Drop the rope. He knew it was coming and did nothing to prevent it. Because you always organise everything...

This isnt the first time, wont be the last.

Youve done nothing wrong, wvwn mentioned preemptive action that could be taken, that wasnt.

Let him sort his side out more; stop being his life coach

First comment nails it
I don’t organise anything to do with my Inlaws, that’s husband’s job. I have my own family to deal with.

Thank you I don’t organise dhs side either. I felt like by making him aware I was doing him a favour but now it’s like I’m not being accommodating enough. I know I need to let it go it’s me that’s holding the guilt when I’ve nothing to feel guilty about.

And this is the thing dh never sees his family without me so that’s the norm. Whereas I will visit my family without him. He sees my family 3/4 times a year. I’d be will to bet if i insisted he saw my family every time and changed his plans he wouldn’t be happy either.

Point that out to him, if you haven't already.

Mamma’s Boy behaviour. Ignore it and enjoy your birthday.

Why do you need to see them so often??
its now sounds like an obligation. Nip it in the bud.
Don’t budge on it and they will learn that the world doesn’t revolve around them.

You tried to help. Natural consequences and all that…

Dh parents rang they want to come Saturday . I’ve said no we have plans, dh pushed back a bit
Who did they ring?
A landline which either of you might pick up? His phone? Or your phone?
If they rang your phone, that is part of the problem. Just don't answer if you don't want to and they will get into the habit of ringing him.

I wanted a lay in/ lazy morning in my pjs so I’ve said no.
You should not stop DH inviting his parents into his home whenever he wants. It is his home too. He has the right to invite them round.
But that does not mean you have to get out of bed, or up off the sofa, when they arrive. You don't have to 'host' if he invites them, or even get dressed as long as you are decently covered. Just leave him to it.

Agreed. They could have still popped in while you had your lie in and shower. As long as you popped down to say hello! It would have been okay before you left. But it sounds like your husband would have expected you to have been up and ready to host?! I would have explained this to him, he is welcome to host them when you’re busy but not to expect anything.

They rang dh I was in the room. Dh looked at me I shook my head to say can’t see them. He said I think we are busy I’ll check with phony. Hee got off the phone and we had a conversation where I said no again.

Dh looked at me I shook my head to say can’t see them.
There is a pronoun missing there. Did you mean I can't see them or we can't see them. Big difference.

Next time this happens, and he looks at you, say "you are welcome to invite them round, but I will be [in bed / out / doing the garden / whatever your plans are]".
Then it is up to him whether he invites them or not.
If he says to them "We are busy", that shows he is not willing to see them unless you are doing the hosting. That is his choice.

It is not your responsibility to manage his relationship with them. You are only required to manage your own relationship with them.

I think your dh should have said he had other plans off his own initiative, simply because it’s your birthday op.

And he should have taken you up on your thoughtful offer and prompt to see his parents earlier op and he probably knows it!

People have different sorts of relationships with in-laws, but I for one would certainly not want my in-laws being entertained by my dh in one part of the house, while I was trying to enjoy a relaxing morning in my pjs in the other!

And I think the person whose birthday it is gets to decide how they want to spend it.

But now this has happened, I suggest that you tell your dh to meet your parents for brunch by himself, half way between theirs and yours, and then he joins you later on for your celebrations?

Edited to say that it’s always the wife or dil who gets the blame when there is a difficulty over arrangements. The same way that it’s always the woman who gets the blame when the house isn’t presentable, even when it’s the dh who messes it up! It’s one of those unwritten rules of nature somehow… blame the woman!

* meet his* parents, sorry

I'd start to re set the norm, by sitting the odd visit out so it's not a given you'll be present. Back off the arrangements all together, and then if he says, my parents want to come on Sunday, you can say, no worries, I'm going to be out in the afternoon but go for it, we don't all need to be present for parent visits do we.

Nudge it away from the status quo you've slipped into. Stop doing the work.

I could have written this post!

DH and in laws like to be spontaneous which is fine but I’m not having DC miss sports commitments or friends parties to facilitate this. If DS doesn’t turn up to football then the team is short a player and has to play 6 v 7. Someone has paid £££ for laserquest or bowling and pulling out at short notice is a really unkind thing to do.

I flag with DH any particularly busy weekends where we may struggle to see them and suggest options but ultimately it’s his parents to manage. I’m also much more direct with my parents and will say well you can come to watch DS’s football match and we can grab a quick bite after.

Did they want to come because it's your birthday, or were they oblivious to that? Did dh say it's wife's birthday so we have plans with the dc? Could the plans have included his parents if your sister is coming? Sounds like it wasn't handled well one way or another.

They live an hour away so not a pop n situation. They would stay a couple hours at least and it would be considered odd if I stayed upstairs for the duration

I agree re its always the women! I’d have been fine with him going to meet them but he only ever wants to see them as a family

They will have got me a gift but I don’t usually see them on my birthday. I think it just happened to be the convenient day for them as they said they were busy Sunday .