To stop teen son sleep calling

[Om83]

My teen son has had a girlfriend for 6 months, first serious girlfriend, he is properly loved up. He is allowed is phone over night as is an older teen. I have found out they are ‘sleep calling’ so they stay on a call all night while the other sleeps, the phone screen is off but call still connected. They fall asleep together and then it’s just on til the morning.

I don’t like it, I think he needs some time to himself without always being ‘connected’, he needs some time to process his thoughts and has exams this year. He said it doesn’t affect him as he sleeps soundly, they do not stay up late much past 11 and is not self conscious of it.

He said he is indifferent to it as it as makes no difference to him but she wants to and it makes her more comfortable so is happy to oblige, however he bought out the emotional blackmail that if i do take his phone away and it creates any distance between them then he will hate me for it as he doesn’t want to risk screwing anything up with her.

yes - you are being unreasonable as it’s young teenage love, leave them be

no - you are not being unreasonable to think it’s weird and needy (and a fire risk from overheating??!) and take his phone away at night?

DD often used to fall asleep on FaceTime when she was a teen. We never charged phones overnight though, there is zero need for anyone to do that.

Watch out - I know someone’s son who was in same situation and it turned into a controlling/abusive type relationship with lots of blackmail - from the girl! The boy was so stressed. It nearly wrecked his A levels…

Is he 13 or 19?

Would be a shame if somehow the hang up button got accidentally pressed whilst he was deeply asleep ...

It's weird. I'm sorry for the girl, but this kind of thing isn't justifiable because 'it makes me feel better'. It is too much of an onus to put on someone else and you're encouraging your son into facilitating unreasonable expectations in relationships and allowing her to make them. You can exert coercive or unreasonable control through 'vulnerability' as well as more obvious methods.

TBH if a guy asks this girlfriend to do this there would be much quicker implications of controlling behaviour - this is the same.

I know it's not a big deal for many but sometimes it can be. Here's a cautionary tale - I'm really not saying this is what's happening but just in case it chimes. So my nephew had a first girlfriend at 16. We all really liked her but step by step, she needed him more and more. Constant texts and soon DN stopped seeing his normal crowd of friends - the group included girls and the girlfriend didn't like them. To cut a long story short, the girlfriend was self harming and telling DN that only he could make it stop. He was too scared to rock the boat so did everything she asked him to. My sister only found out when DN burst into tears, overwhelmed and out of his depth. Fortunately my sis is a strong, lovely mum and she got the girl some help and managed to guide them both through it all. They split up but fortunately the girl was and still is fine. DN's doing well too. It was really awful at the time though and DN nearly screwed up his GCSE's because of it.

My son who is early teens will often have a friend on a call whilst they’re both gaming - I have told him he needs to be very clear to us when that’s happening as otherwise someone has a constant ear open to our house and everything that’s going on in the background which I am not keen on. You should have the expectation of basic privacy in your home, as should your son.

OP I wouldn’t worry about asserting some authority on this. My son is 16 but we make him hand over his phone to charge with us, it’s not so much policing phone use but instilling healthy habits. We pay for it so I have no qualms about it.

My step daughter started doing this with her girlfriend. It was halted with haste.

Primarily because needy and weird behaviour is highly undesirable in life, generally speaking.

I can't decide if it's lovely or annoying but either way I wouldn't be having it. The phone is out of the room at night so that he has proper sleep. If they paint you as the mean parent trying to split them apart they'd probably enjoy that anyway and secretly he'll be like 'oh yeah I do feel better' after one nights proper sleep I expect.

I had this issue with my teen daughter. She was 16, doing exactly the same thing. I would go in her room and it was plugged into the charger and in the bed, she was sound asleep! My biggest thing was the fire risk, I made a rule that the phone had to be charged in the hallway at night, but it caused a huge fight.
I actually posted on here about it and I was ate alive, called weird and controlling!
She is 20 now, thankfully didn’t burn the house down and is over the need to be connected.
My reasoning for the hallway charging was so that it wasn’t me taking her phone away as such, no other helpful advice unfortunately!

Yes it’s a thing but a bit weird tbh! I would leave him to it they have already started it. If he is still in school maybe I’d put rules in place during the week.

Very romantic to die with your head engulfed in flames........

Good grief, teens are mad. Who wants to have their every snore, rustle and fart broadcast over the airwaves? Who wants to listen to it?!

Just imagine how much extra network bandwidth would be available if people didn't do stuff like this.

Hopefully that compression thingy where it only sends when people are talking is in full effect.

Maybe you could volunteer him as a test subject to see whether 5G really does have an effect on your brain ?

Two older boys here, they've done it. It seems to just be something they do these days.

Turn off the wifi so his data for the month drains in one night 😆

This sounds very cute but I fall asleep listening to podcasts and my phone gets incredibly hot so definitely wouldn't advise him connecting all night. To show your support could you suggest to him that he stays on until she falls asleep and then hangs up (obviously telling her he will) - then it is still 'cute' but neither or them will start a house fire! And he can call her in the morning of course to say good morning.

I can't imagine ever wanting to do this though...all very teenage love but imagine if a guy suggested this to a girl in their twenties 😅 It would sound so controlling!

Am now going to subtly quiz my DS on whether he has been doing the same for the last 20m. Hoping he isn’t doing now they are both at uni as they both need their sleep even more!!

Had no idea it was a thing until now…

Take his phone away overnight. I wouldn't be letting my DC have a permanent connection to somebody overnight. It is intrusive and weird.

Parents seem to forget that it is their house their rules, and if parents all put a stop to this, it would obviously soon die out.

If this was somebody older posting that their DP was insisting on having a connection every night, they would be deemed controlling.

Thank you! I hadn't gotten a toast crumb down my trachea for a while but your post made me laugh while swallowing a bite.

LOL!cough-cough-coughLOL!cough-cough-coughLOL!

On one of those 90-Day-Fiance commercials, they showed a couple who basically keep their phones going 24-7. I know it was because they were in different countries but it just seemed weird. I also bet they didn't make it as a couple either.

Never heard of this but it’s bizarre!

I confess, I used to do this occasionally when in a temporarily long distance relationship while studying abroad (South Africa / Europe, similar time zone but roughly 10000 km apart). Back in ancient times, landlines and VoIP systems could be set to "time out" after a period of being idle but more recent consumer protection and privacy laws have done away with this and mobile phones and voice/video apps don't support it. One thing you could do is set an automated timer so the call disconnects in, say, one hour. Apps like FaceTime can do this, and android phones can also use apps like Call Limiter on F-Droid to time limit actual mobile phone calls. You might also be able to set a maximum call time limit through Parental Controls. Something like this could be a compromise to mitigate the safety risks and resource usage and may also reframe the situation somewhat psychologically - "talking 'til we fall asleep" feels a little bit different from "staying on the phone together all night".

I wouldn't worry about his being coerced or her being controlling unless there are other red flags; it seems more like he knows this comforts her and makes her happy and it's little bother for him (or so he thought before you raised your objections) so why not do it? He's likely not very experienced with serious relationships so he may not be worried that she'll break up with him if he says his mum won't let him stay on the phone all night, and more worried that they'll lose this thing that he sees as important closeness and a demonstration of his feelings for her and that would negatively impact the relationship.

Fire risk first. Thats the biggie for stopping it
Secondly why does she need him to be connected? Is it control & needyness? Or is she at risk so for safety needs a open line?

If its genuinely just cos its young love only on a Friday & Saturday night. Not a school night.

But fire risk is just freaking me out about it all! - show him videos if need to & explain why.