To stop teen son sleep calling

[Om83]

My teen son has had a girlfriend for 6 months, first serious girlfriend, he is properly loved up. He is allowed is phone over night as is an older teen. I have found out they are ‘sleep calling’ so they stay on a call all night while the other sleeps, the phone screen is off but call still connected. They fall asleep together and then it’s just on til the morning.

I don’t like it, I think he needs some time to himself without always being ‘connected’, he needs some time to process his thoughts and has exams this year. He said it doesn’t affect him as he sleeps soundly, they do not stay up late much past 11 and is not self conscious of it.

He said he is indifferent to it as it as makes no difference to him but she wants to and it makes her more comfortable so is happy to oblige, however he bought out the emotional blackmail that if i do take his phone away and it creates any distance between them then he will hate me for it as he doesn’t want to risk screwing anything up with her.

yes - you are being unreasonable as it’s young teenage love, leave them be

no - you are not being unreasonable to think it’s weird and needy (and a fire risk from overheating??!) and take his phone away at night?

I did this when I was a teen and no my phone never caught fire haha.

My DSD does this it's weird but then I think teens are off the scale weird these days. When I was a teen it was more about your BF sending you a gushing morning message that you would then show off to your mates on the bus to school.

Get him a phone stand. He can prop the phone up next to his bed then. Make him understand it’s for fire safety - but otherwise I’d leave him to it!

This has been a thing for years, not just with couples. My teen sister and her friends - male and female all were doing it in a group. Sometimes just hanging sometimes watching a movie together as they go to sleep etc.
I just gave up in the end and told her if they overhear anything they shouldnt thats her fault. farted as loudly as i could everytime i walked past her room...

DH and I did this as teens. I don't get the comments about it being needy and weird. Why do people care about teens wanting to feel close to each other?

I would let them get on with it, although I think it’s bloody ridiculous. But I’m having to accept my older teen doing bloody ridiculous things all the time. I try to remain neutral and hold back the urge to tell him I don’t agree with what he’s doing. Unless it’s hurting someone or sounds dodgy/unsafe I say nothing.

I long for the olden days of leaving your phone at home (ie landline) and becoming unavailable for the day. Imagine having to be available all night too. I think I’d go bananas.

@Om83 Ridiculous! She sounds like a young child needing to be tucked in. Your ds probably doesn't want to but is in love s9 would jump from a bridge. My DS16 needs to give up his phone at 10 pm ans DS13 at 9 pm. It's important to help teens to deconnect because it's hard for them to do it themselves (especially with gf involved).

I did a uni workshop with teens a while back and it centred on mobiles, social media, messaging apps etc and the fact that young people these days (and some older ones) are connected 24/7 and there’s the constant pressure to be ‘on’, always available, in constant contact, replying to messages straight away etc. So being on call all night too just adds to that and reinforces the message “you should always be available when I want you” at a time when perhaps teens should be able to switch off from everything and just take time for themselves. It’s not a healthy culture.

If it will cause problems between them for him to say no, it's needy and an unhealthy relationship.

It's a fire risk.

It definitely does affect sleep quality.

It's a waste of resources. Do teens not care about the environment any more? It's not.just the power used by the phones themselves (small), it's the power needed for the phone masts to transmit the signals.

That was main concern, never switching off along with them all having each other on that life 380 app or whatever its called. No escape from the drama

I'd be very worried that she's that needy, to be honest. He needs to have some privacy.

It’s a definite thing but I find it so strange

thanks everyone- I’d never heard of it before!! It just feels a bit intrusive but then my days of romance seem a long time ago now 🫣

He’s 16 so it feels like a very in between age where I’m not quite sure of how parental boundaries anymore, so good to know it is a fairly normal occurrence these days, and some of these comments have made me laugh- thank you! Will send DH to fart loudly whenever he walks past 😂

they are a sweet couple but quite rightly some of you picked up on him not wanting to say no to her, which is a small concern of mine but I guess that’s what teen relationships are for and to work all that out! I’ll keep an eye and as long as he doesn’t burn down the house then probably ok, thanks for the tip re the phone holder!

Personally I wouldn't allow it. At nighttime, home is home not something we broadcast to another household. Weird. And not only a bit controlling.

That’s interesting. We did discuss the always ‘being on’ thing. He’s not overly obsessed with his phone or ‘streaks’ which is why he’s been allowed to have it, but it seems love does strange things to you!! I will think about some ways to make sure he gets some phone free time though… he quite likes a bath to unwind and take the dog out for a walk periodically so maybe I’ll suggest these happen more often. or maybe just suggest he says goodnight and hangs up once in a while!!

my nephew was falling asleep with his gf on FaceTime, loads do it apparently but it’s not healthy especially if pushed by one side

That sounds very sensible. It's so important that he feels able to chat to you about it. I would reiterate though that he needs to come to his own decision regards neediness, privacy, space of his own and so on. But do encourage him to examine it himself: just because teenage girls being like that is normal it doesn't mean it should be, its not right. And it might be the thing end of the wedge as to controlling behaviour.

My nephew 16-17 does this with his gf. I have had a bf who did it but once he was asleep I would hang up.

I’d talk to him about the emotional blackmail. If she gets cross about this and dumps him, she wasn’t for him anyway. Is she controlling about other things? Or is your ds assuming she’d get cross and dump him?

Indeed. I had friends doing this back in the 90s on their landlines!

I think it is very weird but then I was young when there were no mobile phones so we were not all addicted to them.

So pathetic how some (many) people are with their phones

How the hell is he supposed to get any ‘alone time’? !

Weird and a fire risk. If she’s asleep she won’t even know if the call is still connected surely, and vice versa. And using data for nothing - I know it may be free but data still has a resource cost.

Youve not confirmed an age but if under 16 then i agree with you. Its tricky now they've been doing it, but I agree. We have a "no phones overnight" policy anyway, it's a fire risk, they get very hot when on charge and in/around bedding plus they could be doing anything on them too (photos,videos - better not to know). It all sounds very sweet and cute but I don't think it's super healthy for either of them - if they both want to its not too bad but ive seen it turn into coercive control (e.g. i need you to be in contact all day, even if youre asleep, i need proof youre not with anyone else etc etc and if it becomes a regular thing its very tricky to get out of). If he is over 16 I would just advise and ask him to keep it out of his bed so he doesn't set the entire place alight and keep an open discussion on healthy space in relationships - e.g. check he doesn't feel like he can't stop calling her, or is she insisting he checks in, does she accuse him of things if he doesn't call etc etc

I've never heard of this but it sounds utterly ridiculous and needy and also pointless, considering they're both actually asleep!!? However, possible fire risk aside, I don't suppose it actually does any harm.