AIBU to think staying at home with children is undervalued?

[Amby99]

I’m not ignorant of the fact that staying at home isn’t financially possible or desirable for everyone, and I don’t think children who go to nursery are disadvantaged whatsoever . There are brilliant nurseries, brilliant working mums, and plenty of happy, healthy children being raised that way (and fulfilled and happy mothers)
However, I do wonder whether society (or the government) has become so focused on measuring “productivity” through paid employment that we’ve started to undervalue the work involved in raising a child.
Badenoch saying that the government doesn’t want to “punish working parents” in relation to childcare costs … it made me wonder why being a SAHM is so rarely viewed as valuable or productive in its own right.
Preparing my baby’s first solids, BF him, reading, playing, taking him outside, talking to him, letting him explore and generally being available. It feels like important work, yet because it isn’t paid it often seems invisible.
There are of course many advantages to nursery, and that work can be important for a mother’s identity, finances, career and mental health.
But why does the conversation seem to focus so heavily on encouraging parents back into paid employment, while choosing to provide that childcare yourself is rarely encouraged or valued in the same way? I’m not talking about mothers that sit at home all day feeding their child McDonald’s and claiming every benefit under the sun. I get why they may be encouraged back into the workforce and their children would be better off at nursery. BUT I’m sick of having to feel guilty of my choice to stay home. Every parent I know who was a parent in the 90’s stayed at home and it wasn’t so frowned upon.

I just think it should be seen as a worthwhile and valuable choice rather than something that needs to be justified because you’re “not working”.

Of course she does. The intended subtext is abundantly clear, but it is deliberately written in such a way that people can say "oh, she is just saying how she feels".

We all see through it and it's ridiculous.

Not at all! Why when there is a SAHP, is it assumed it will be the mother. Fathers are equally important and a joint parent. A father’s job outside the home in paid employment isn’t more important than the mother continuing with her career.

No one ever says dads aren’t raising their own kids when they work. Interestingly….

You’ve just proven me right.

No, because our society is sexist so it's not expected as it should be, babies generally do better with their mother in the first year, and men generally earn more (again, due to sexism) making it the less sensible choice.

Personally, while I don't think WOH parents don't raise their children anyway, I would judge a father for his parenting (or lack thereof) equally.

Edited for clarity.

My husband worked full time and I chose to job share. Thankfully no one ever said to him that agreeing with my choice made him any less of a father.

Oh and btw. I was going to send my child to a childminder for the 2.5 days I worked. My FATHER, who had just retired from the police said would it be ok if he looked after him instead. My mum was still working. A man. A dad. I said yes and then my MIL asked if her and my FIL could do the half day if it was ok with my DAD.

I said yes to that too.

People on here have really skewed views about men.

I know. Quite frankly the posters massive overreaction to one person's innocent attempt at conversation says more about their own sensitivity than how society views working parents. At most baby groups there would be discussion about when people were returning to work. Some people said they weren't and that was it, the conversation moved on to other things and people thought no more about what someone's individual plan was.

Well, that's the point, isn't it? Men are never told that they are less of a father because they work to provide for their children, and yet a woman who does the same will constantly find herself stereotyped as less of a mother.

I agree it's well known and as you say down to lazy parenting (additional needs aside of course) and absolutely nothing to do with the debate and the point I was making absolutely nothing to do with governments "brainwashing" us either.

Also - you think being a stay at home mum means spending all day at home alone with your child, with no opportunity to interact with other humans, or pursue intellectually stimulating and engaging interests or hobbies? Hm.

Obviously we go out 🙄 but when I take her to an activity, it's just me and her. When we go swimming it's just me and her. When I take her to dance classes I don't find general chit chat with other mums on the way in and out fulfilling. Meal times we're at home alone unless you're cooking for other people and their kids too, nap time in alone. When I'm cooking dinner for us all to eat when my husband gets home I'm alone with her. It's pretty odd to have lots of adult conversation when you're at home with a young child. When we visit relatives so I have an adult to talk to about world events or something while we all play with her it's great. When it's just the two of us I get bored by 4pm and can't wait for my husband to get home. My experience of other mums at the activities I take my daughter to is that they just want to talk about children which isn't what I want to spend my only adult communication on.

And as for angry, many posters are angry about your classism accusations. You've been called out by several posters on that. It's not remotely classist to find activities for three year olds not mentally stimulating enough and to need adult work for their brains.

That’s some job you’ve got there. You’ve been on here all day.

Ever heard of flexible working?

Come again? How the hell did you get misogyny from wondering why dad's aren't irreplaceable when posters are claiming that SAHMs are irreplaceable!?

There are few posters here who should be ashamed of themselves and the ones questioning equality aren't it.

Are you not wondering why all the sahps on here are on their phones rather than staring lovingly at their wonderful babies/ BFing/ taking them outside or whatever it was that they do that working parents don’t? Or is it just working parents you want to make sure are paying attention to their work.

Men are applauded for their ‘hard work’.

I think this boils down to a lot of women feeling a bit irked that their ‘sacrifice’ hasn’t actually resulted in tangibly better kids. It’s like breastfeeding - a negligible difference, but they come on here constantly to seek affirmation and hate anyone pointing out statistically the health benefits aren’t that different (yes I did breastfeed, for years. I just accept the science and the fact it doesn’t make me an inherently better mother)

Who's trying to stop people posting now? Wind it in with the shame.

Exactly! For people who are living their best lives SAHMs certainly have plenty of time for arguing on MN. Their kids clearly don't have the full attention they claim only a SAHM can give.

Ok. However, if I had earned more, he would have gone job share.

Actually our best friends did that. She had the great job, he also had a job he loved which paid less than hers.

He reduced his hours to look after their two, she went back full time.

43 years later we are all happy and we have never said she was less of a mother nor has her daughters.

Yes but not that flexible.

You might not have, but many on this thread have.

They may have but I haven’t. So post to the ones who have!

I'm so glad you responded so well. This post really irritated me, but I was so wound up I couldn't think how to respond well. Yours is spot on. My partner and I have done the same. I was head chef previously, now my son is 9 months I am returning to work part time ( not as a head chef ) when he goes to school I will endeavour to find work as a head chef again. Does it affect my career trajectory re' salary, yes a lot. Do I want to be my child's main caregiver, yes a lot!

Well, that's all very nice, but it doesn't change the fact that society typically judges mothers for working while lauding fathers for doing the same.

I have complete flexibility in how and when I do my work. We aren't all bound by a rigid 9-5.