AIBU to think staying at home with children is undervalued?

[Amby99]

I’m not ignorant of the fact that staying at home isn’t financially possible or desirable for everyone, and I don’t think children who go to nursery are disadvantaged whatsoever . There are brilliant nurseries, brilliant working mums, and plenty of happy, healthy children being raised that way (and fulfilled and happy mothers)
However, I do wonder whether society (or the government) has become so focused on measuring “productivity” through paid employment that we’ve started to undervalue the work involved in raising a child.
Badenoch saying that the government doesn’t want to “punish working parents” in relation to childcare costs … it made me wonder why being a SAHM is so rarely viewed as valuable or productive in its own right.
Preparing my baby’s first solids, BF him, reading, playing, taking him outside, talking to him, letting him explore and generally being available. It feels like important work, yet because it isn’t paid it often seems invisible.
There are of course many advantages to nursery, and that work can be important for a mother’s identity, finances, career and mental health.
But why does the conversation seem to focus so heavily on encouraging parents back into paid employment, while choosing to provide that childcare yourself is rarely encouraged or valued in the same way? I’m not talking about mothers that sit at home all day feeding their child McDonald’s and claiming every benefit under the sun. I get why they may be encouraged back into the workforce and their children would be better off at nursery. BUT I’m sick of having to feel guilty of my choice to stay home. Every parent I know who was a parent in the 90’s stayed at home and it wasn’t so frowned upon.

I just think it should be seen as a worthwhile and valuable choice rather than something that needs to be justified because you’re “not working”.

It's not remotely classist to find activities for three year olds not mentally stimulating enough and to need adult work for their brains.

Well, it's a good thing that's not what I was saying, isn't it? If you'll read my posts again without a red veil of rage across your vision, perhaps you might see what I was very clearly saying.

(Frankly, given what you've said about your daughter, it sounds like you're just as bitter as the mumsnetter you accused of being such. I'm sorry you're having a difficult time being at home (if you still are), and hope you can get back into the workplace soon.)

I haven't read this thread but this seems to be a recurrent topic on MN and people get in a right flap and end up talking at completely cross purposes.

I didn't read the OP as asking for 'value' for SAHPs. Nothing special or over and above anyone else. It seems to me she is just asking to not feel devalued. This is different, so no need for all the hoopla about - "Why should SAHMs need special value rah rah rah ..."

Similarly, a mum who works could be literally anybody doing anything - from 20 hour shifts, to a 9-5, to a few hours a day. Anything, anywhere. So there is no such thing as a typical 'working mum' anyway and nothing to justify or get rattled about.

Comparisons are nonsense because everyone has different numbers of children, different relationships, financial circumstances and totally different working styles and commitments. It's always a load of back and forth about nothing.

Maybe that depends on the society you’re in? I realise I am nit picking but the whole point of this thread, imo, is that we’re not all the same.

The working parents are getting paid to pay attention to their work.

Good job because that poster now has 8 hours to catch up on.

How do you know whether I'm working, or on annual leave today?

well you’re certainly doing neither work or childcare.

Obviously, and I've been lucky to have always been able to work very flexibly with a decent DH who pulls his weight etc. But I often noticed that he would always get praised for being so "hands on" with dd as if it was somehow admirable, whereas my being "hands on" was just expected. It never really bothered me, but we both noticed the double standards and found them ridiculous. From our own perspectives, we were both just being parents.

I think the judgement of WOHPs is worse online than in real life. And tbh, the same with regard to the judgement of SAHPs. I've seen countless shitty comments in either direction on MN over the years, with people saying stuff that they probably wouldn't dream of expressing in real life.

The comments about WOHPs never bothered me personally - I found them stupid rather than upsetting. But I know that some people do get upset by them, and that makes me cross.

Good parenting should be valued imo. WOH/SAH doesn't matter. We should all just respect the fact that people make different choices and one is not inherently better than the other.

But aren’t all the sahps saying their work is just as valuable, if not more so? Because their children and raising them is so important. Surely much more important than arguing on mumsnet while the children are off raising themselves.

If you, Dad and baby were stranded on a desert island it would obviously be the mother who could ensure baby’s survival. Men and women ARE different, different does not mean of different value. I am not identical to men, and don’t want to be, I am proud to be a woman and mother to my children. I hate the term parent as well, I am a MOTHER, men are not, deal with it.

I wasn't on Mumsnet when my children were little, because I didn't find the site until they were a bit older.

But with under-fives there are plenty of moments to pop online (or do other things) in between doing other things, even if you do put most of your focus into them. There are naps, feeds, playing on a slide/swing, jumping on the trampoline, visiting with grandparents, siblings playing together and only needing supervision, times when they might watch a TV show, or be happily occupied with playdough or other toys, or husbands taking over once they get home from work.

I do think parents of younger children need to be mindful not to be too absorbed in devices, though.

I'm an employer. I don't manage my staff by watching the clock. I honestly couldn't care less if they dipped into MN now and then during the working day, as long as they deliver the work that I'm paying them to do to the standard that I expect. It is for them to manage their time and attention. I am more interested in output and results.

It is helpful. Women and mothers deserve to hear from women who love their children, husbands and being at home, instead of being drowned out by all the miserable, negative people on here moaning on about how they can’t wait to get back to work, have a break, go out with the girls all weekend, etc.

I love being at home with my children, other people bang on about loving their job, I love being at home, deal with it!!!

Funny, don’t we always hear how much tougher being a sahm is than working? At least you can sit down for a coffee while it’s hot and all that jazz….

Have a full time career doesn’t mean I love my children any less than if I’d been a SAHM. Both have been positives aspects to my life.

And i love my weekends away with friends and have been lucky enough to have family holidays with DH and DT’s around the world - great memories

...Do we? I always thought working and being a mum sounded harder, because you're having to try to juggle two jobs.

Personally, I found it a breeze overall, and absolutely loved every minute of it.

I love being at home too. Always loved spending time with my dc. Still do.

We all love our children so you can stop trying to imply that this is in any way unique or special. It's commonplace.

Some of us just enjoy our jobs as well, and don't feel that we have to choose.

Asking somebody ‘Are you planning on going back to work?’ Is more neutral than ‘when are you going back?’ So incredibly rude. Which supports the OP suggesting the role is undervalued. People unfortunately equate value with paid work rather than direct hands on care of younger and older members of society. Which, incidentally, saves the government a fortune. My family don’t require any childcare funded by tax payers, yet my DH is footing the bill for that for others who must have both parents out working rather than looking after their own kids!

You are a very positive poster about motherhood. Plenty on here aren’t though. I’m bored of the whinging!

Good for you. I don’t get why you are so interested in people who don’t give a stuff about jobs or who do things differently to you, you constantly comment on SAHP posts and seem a bit obsessed with them TBH 😂

Interested in many topics. Don’t know anyone who has become a SAHM so interesting to read. You are obviously interested or you wouldn’t have posted.

My DT’s are now in their 20’s living independently and progressing with careers and relationships. Good to look at them and the impact of the decisions we made throughout their lives

OK that’s fair enough if you don’t know any in real life. For the record, most of my friends in real life are working mums. My best friend is actually a full time, highly ambitious and highly successful at the top of her game career-wise. We are mutually supportive of each other’s differences and get on very well, and both enjoy talking about broader topics of conversation TBH 😊

What point are you trying to make? There are plenty of people on here who have posted more than me. I do not owe you a detailed breakdown of how I spend my time. You know nothing about me or my work or my childcare arrangements and what I "should" be doing.

Whatever argument you're trying to make I'm not sure but you'd be wise to wind your neck in and stop being so bloody obtuse.

I'm a SAHM of a 4 and 6 year old. My husband works shifts/ works away and earns enough to support the family we both decided it's best for us all. Most of my mum friends work and it's a hard juggle!
I also worked when kids were smaller but stopped before eldest started school.
I feel privileged I can take the kids to the playground, to swimming and to clubs after school. I can make home cooked meals for us all and I can prepare well for the weekends of solo parenting I often have. Also since youngest started in September I've been able to do a fitness class here and there too. Both kids are doing amazing at school/ socially ect and husband has a stressful job but when home he wants to spend time with the kids, do some school runs and cook which is a bonus!
I'd say the main negative is I now feel very nervous about entering the workforce again when the time comes!

I've absolutely loved being a mum at every stage, and despite all the interesting and exciting opportunities that I've had in my life, my dd has been the single biggest source of pride and joy. I was lucky in that parenting felt very natural and instinctive to me and I never found it a struggle. It makes me happy even just to think about my dd. So it's very easy for me to be positive.

I have friends who have felt much less positive about parenting over the years, including those who were SAHPs and those who were WOHPs. I don't think it's exclusive to one group or another. I don't really think any of them as whingeing either - they are just being honest about the fact that they have experienced parenting very differently from how I have, and sometimes people need to vent or let off steam or whatever.

I don't know why some people find it harder than others - luck, temperament, neurodivergence, support from family and friends, relationships, other stuff going on in their lives etc. I don't think finding parenting hard work sometimes makes them less good parents - from what I have seen, most parents love their children despite their challenges and bend over backwards not to show their dc when they're struggling.

In any case, I don't think positivity about motherhood correlates with the choice to SAH or WOH.